i hope you’re happier than you’ve been before.
i hope your smiles light up the room you’re in and that your laugh is infectious.
i hope you have the stars in your eyes and the sun in your head.
i hope you wake up every day with a smile on your face and go to sleep with a happy heart.
i hope you sleep easily and love everything you do.
i hope you have the best days you can imagine.
i hope you’re happy for the both of us, since I can’t even remember the last time I smiled.
it's funny how i can still hear your laugh. i can still feel the heat of your breath on the back of my neck when you give back hugs. i can practically hear your little giggle when i trip over nothing but air. it's funny how you still seem like you're here, even though you're only really here when i'm asleep.
"Nooooo~" you whine, playfully slapping my hand away from the screen of your laptop. "Not yet!" I make a face at you and you laugh, tapping my nose lightly. You laugh again when I sit away from you, crossing my arms. You wrap your arms around my waist, snuggling closer to me and nuzzling your nose into my neck.
"Don't be mad! I'm just not done yet," you said, slightly muffled. I sigh, tilting my head back onto your shoulder.
"Hey, I want to see it-" you interrupt me by squeezing me tightly around my waist and placing a soft kiss on the side of my neck.
"I know, I know, but I want it to be done when you hear it, okay? It's dumb, but I want you to be so impressed." I look up at him to see a pink blush spreading from his ears to his cheeks. I smiled up at you, turning in your arms and giving you a kiss on your forehead.
"Okay, fine. But only if you promise I'm the first one to hear it." You nodded happily and pressed your forehead against mine.
it's weird, going through my day without you by my side. you're a constant presence in my dreams, so not having you in my life feels unreal. i want to tell everyone about us, but i'm afraid of what they'll say. what we have is too real to just be a fantasy. right?
I'm sitting on the edge of the couch, watching you peacefully nap. I don't want to sit down, too afraid of waking you up and making you lose precious sleep. You work too hard, and even though I don't nag you about it, I still worry. It's not healthy to work so hard without letting your body rest.
I get up and carefully brush your bangs from your forehead. Dropping a small kiss on your nose, I turn to leave when you pull me down on top of you. You open your eyes slowly and give me a sleepy grin, holding me to you so I won't fall off of the small couch.
"Stay. Please?" He mumbles, already drifting off. I smile at him, then interlace our fingers together. Even when he's completely knocked out, he still finds the time to show his love for me. How the hell did I get so lucky?
i cried today. everything is getting to be too much without you here. it just gets so loud, you know? all of the different expectations, all of the different faces i put on. i don't even know who i am anymore. i can't even remember the last time i did something i wanted to do. i just wait for the nights i can spend with you. with you, i don't feel forced to be someone i'm not. in the hurricane of voices and expectations, you're my safe space.
I know exactly when you walk through our apartment's door because I can hear the excited sound that comes from you when you see the package on the table. I can hear your quick footsteps from the door to the table, where you pick it up. I laugh to myself when I imagine the look of awe and excitement on your face when you see what's inside.
Not much longer, I feel your arms snake around my waist once more. You love doing back hugs and placing your chin on the top of my head, bringing me close to you and inhaling my scent. We stood like that for a while, me trying to move as little as possible while I work on moving the dishes to the cabinet. He hums, brushing my hair across one shoulder and leaning on the other.
"Babyyyy~" he says, taking one of his hands and bringing it to mine, intertwining them. "Did you get the new hoodie I wanted? In black?" I smiled and nodded, bringing his hand to me in order to kiss the back of it.
"Maybe. Did you like it?" I ask, trying to place a glass on a shelf but not being able to reach it. Chan takes it from me and places it there before turning me around and putting his free hand on the counter behind me. You smile at me softly and tilt your head, love radiating from you. I swear I can see galaxies in your eyes.
"Do I like it?" You kiss my nose and smile at me, biting your lip. "I love it, babygirl. Thank you," you pull me in closer, closing your eyes and breathing deep. "You know," you say, opening your eyes. "You can steal it anytime." You wink at me and my heart dips. Your dimples are showing and I can't stop myself from throwing my head back and laughing.
it hurts. every part of my body aches. i tried so hard this morning to get up out of bed, but it was so difficult without you there. i wanted you to hold me like you do when you're cold in the mornings. i wanted your gentle pecks and the way you say "good morning" in your tired morning voice. i wanted you humming a song in the bathroom while we got ready for work. i crave you and your time.
I walk through the door to see you sitting at the table, your head in your hands. From where I'm standing, I can't tell if you're crying or just tired. Walking closer, I can tell you're upset from the way your back curves out and your shoulders are drawn in. I rub the heels of my palms gently across your shoulder blades. You sigh heavily and raise your head to look back at me. Your eyes don't have their usual shine and the corners of your mouth are turned down, the dimples I love nowhere in sight.
I rub your forehead, concerned when you don't say anything at all. You just close your eyes and lean into my touch, sighing again, just more softly. I sit down next to you and wrap my arms around your waist, side hugging you. I sense, more than see, you relax and lean against me. Before much longer, I can feel you start shaking and your breath getting irregular. I look up at you to see tears silently streaming down your face. You're pinching your lips together, trying not to make noise. When you see me looking at you, you bury your face in your hands once more.
I try my best to let you know that I'm here, that you don't have to hide anything from me. I gently rub your back, I scratch the back of your scalp with my nails, I sit next to you, breathing softly so you know you can lean on me if you feel the need to.
You slowly stop sobbing, becoming calmer and not shaking as much.
"Hey," I say quietly. I begin to think I didn't even say it out loud, with the lack of response I get. After a few moments, though, you turn and immediately wrap your arms around me, pulling me as close as you can get. Burying your face in my neck and shuddering, you hold me as we sit in silence. Your face is wet from crying and my shirt is starting to get uncomfortable, but I would go through anything for you.
"I don't know if I can keep pretending I'm okay," he whispers against my skin. "I don't know if I can keep lying."
i spend my waking hours like i'm sleeping, and i treasure my sleep like my life. but that's nothing new. i forget that no one else knows you. i talked about you with some friends yesterday. one pulled me aside and asked if i was in therapy. i think it's funny that they think i need protecting from you. as if you were the problem. you're the only normal thing in my life right now. who needs therapy when i have you?
You haven't been home in a few days. You've been off lately, not sleeping enough and hardly taking enough breaks to eat. I want to ask you what's wrong and why you've been pushing yourself so hard, but I know how hard you work. Loving someone isn't easy, and you overwork yourself, which makes it even harder, but I don't want to stop you from doing what you love to do.
I decide to visit your studio. The worst that can happen is you not telling me what's going on. Before I left, I saw a black hoodie on the dresser next to your side of the bed. Picking it up, I recognize it as the one I bought you before. Why was it here, and not in our closet? I bring it with me, in case you had meant to have it with you and forgot.
I get to your studio and am immediately faced with a locked door and no key. Sighing, I knock gently on the door, hoping you'll hear me. After a moment, I hear a click and the door swings open, revealing you. You look worse than you have in a long time; your dirty hair is partially covered by a black beanie and you've got horrible bags under your eyes. It's obvious you haven't slept, washed your face, or showered in ages. Who knew when you had last eaten either?
I immediately wrap my arms around you, breathing you in. I feel you hesitate before tugging me closer. You gently place your chin on my head, almost as if you're afraid you'll break me. Closing the door behind us, you bring me to the couch and lay down next to me, your head in my lap.
I thread my fingers through your hair and gently scratch your scalp, smiling softly as you close your eyes and sigh contently.
"Babygirl," you say, opening your eyes to look at me. "Can I ask you something?" I nod, waiting for you to continue. "Do you ever feel like sometimes, everything around you doesn't make sense? Like, there's all these expectations you feel like you'll never reach?" I nod again, holding my breath. You look up at me, raising a hand to softly brush my face. "You're my safe space in the midst of all that."
I smile at you, tears glistening in both of our eyes.
"You're my safety."
i met this guy at a cafe today. he reminds me of you. his dimples are really similar to yours and when he smiles, his entire face lights up. he says his name is christopher. i don't know why, but i want to get to know him better. since you're not real, i shouldn't feel guilty for feeling this way. right?
"Babyyyy~" you whine from the floor, looking up at me. "Don't ignore me~" I just bit my lip to hide my smile and keep my face turned away from you. You scrunch your face and get up on your knees to get eye level with me. Grabbing my chin, we make eye contact and you give me a smile, kissing my nose.
"Dork," I whisper. You stick out your tongue before bringing your laptop to you.
"I'm your dork," you say proudly, before pressing play on the track. A piano instrumental fills the room. Your soothing vocals follow.
"I wanna link my heart with yours, so I'll never be lonely. The demons will go if I'm with you."
"Don't leave me here, stay with me awhile."
"So let me link my heart with yours, so we'll never be lonely."
I look over at you. You're grinning proudly, bashfully rubbing the back of your neck. "Did you like it?" You ask nervously. "I stayed up really late to finish it."
I laugh. Of course you did. What else could I expect? I lean down and smile before kissing you.
"Hey, dork." "Hmm?"
"I love you."
i want you back. i want you to come to me. i'm missing every part of you. it's a distinct grief, not knowing when i'll see your dimples appear again. it's a horrid feeling, not knowing how to fix what is broken. i'm just here, wishing i could help you through your struggle. i'm just here, wishing you were in my life, not just in my head.