Dear younger me,
I know you'll never read this because you're now gone, a fading memory in the back of my mind. But I wish I could find a way to make you read this.
A lot has happened in our life. Sometimes, I think, we grew up too fast, but I don't regret it. Maybe we moved out too soon?
We regret a lot of things. Such as saying yes when we didn't understand, being afraid. I'm sorry all that happened to us. I'm sorry we're traumatized. I wish it'd never happened.
They say trauma makes you stronger... We didn't need to be stronger. We needed to be safe. We were just a child. Small. Innocent. Afraid. And now, we pay the price.
At 10 years old we began self harming, tearing the skin out the inside our mouth and picking scabs so much that it left scars. We starting starving ourself at 11, even though we were already skinny. 14, we were cutting and planning our death, daring God to prove he was real.
We've been through Hell and back. A place we should never have been.
I still remember the metallic taste of blood as it'd fill our mouth after we tore the skin off the inside of our cheeks. I don't think I'll ever forget.
We've got a boyfriend now. He's sweet. He knows our past as well as we do. He forgives us for being afraid and saying yes, at least I think he does. I wonder, if he'll notice the scars decorating my body, showing the seething hatred we hold for ourself.
If I could make you read this. I'd make sure you know not to starve yourself. I'd make sure you know to never harm yourself. I'd make sure that when daddy asked that question when we were 11, you would know to say no and to find a trustworthy adult to tell them about it. But I can't. No matter how much I wish I could, I can't. And I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry we live with this burden. I'm sorry our boyfriend knows and shares our burdens.
But... I'm learning, we're learning, to love ourself. Slowly. But we're learning.
To the past me, I love you. I love you. I love you. I know it's too late to say this for you to know, but maybe future us will know this and will love both of us and herself. And maybe she'll be able to show her kids this letter and teach them about everything so they never struggle with the same burdens.
Your older self in the present
Pen Vs. Sword
“The pen is mightier than the sword.”
No. The sword and the pen have their own uses. They have their own strengths as well. You cannot have a sword fight with a pen (unless it’s riptide from the Percy Jackson series) and you cannot write a novel with a sword.
While I am at it, brains does not beat brawn. True, someone who is clever could easily outsmart someone strong. But just because someone has a lot of brawns doesn’t mean they aren’t smart. Then what happens when you try to outsmart your brawny opponent and get tricked and flattened like a pancake? You’re doomed. Brains and brawns have their strengths. If you have brains, you could think quick and may do well academically. If you have brawns, you can defend yourself and others easily. In a fight, brains will not always beat brawns and brawns won’t always beat brains.
So why do we compare these and say one is stronger than the other when clearly, it depends on the situation?
Advice from the dead inside
Hello. I am not going to pretend to be an expert on this but I will do everything I can to help. 2 years ago I was in the same position...
Call the suicide hotline. I keep the number saved in my phone. If you are too anxious to call, text 741741 and you'll get help. If you don't have a phone, borrow one if you can or try to go on the suicide hotline website.
Confide in a friend/significant other/parent, someone you can trust. If your parents are supportive go to them, if not try another adult. If you can't find an adult, someone older than you or around the same age.
Do not self harm. You WILL hate yourself for it. I stopped self harming 2 years ago and I still hate myself for it. Don't do it, it's not worth it.
Find a healthy coping mechanism such as writing, drawing, painting, reading, working out, singing, baking, etc. Something productive that maked you feel good.
If you ever consider self harming, hold ice in your hand till it melts, doodle on your arms/legs with a marker. It relieves the urge to destroy yourself.
For 30 days straight, listen to nothing but classical music, nothing with lyrics. See how your mind changes. The music we listen to greatly impacts our minds. Need a place to start? Check out the lost book of fantasy by Peter Gundry and Fur Elise by Beethoven.
You are never a burden when you ask for help, never! And if anyone says you are, they are wrong.
If you don't have someone to talk to about anything, message me. I'll talk to you. I'd rather talk someone out of suicide than let them kill themselves.
Just hold on. Stay strong. I know it may be hard and you want to let go, but... hold on. There's always a reason to live, and every reason to live is a good reason. And I don't care what anyone says, you matter. You're important. You're worth more than you know. And I will make a playlist of songs for you and anyone who needs them so that when you are in these times, you can listen to them and feel better.
What's a soulmate?
Definition: a person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner.
If this is the true definition of soulmates, how are we sure how to tell they're our soulmate? Maybe the feeling of being deeply connected?
How do they become our soulmate?
My theory: The stars.
In our blood ther's a hemoglobin that's only found in dead stars. There's stardust in our veins. This makes our blood turn red once it hits oxygen, before it hits oxygen, it's blue. As we all know, we're made of cells. Cells are made of molecules. Molecules are made of atoms.
What if, when stars die... And our blood is made from their dust... The atoms of their dust become us... And your soulmate's someone who's made of the atoms of the same star. Those atoms would have a connection to each other, connecting us with our soulmates.
But wouldn't those atoms be in more than 2 people? Perhaps so. So what if, you could have more than 1 soulmate. Your best friend since kindergarten may be one, your husband/wife may be another, maybe even your younger brother. Afterall, soulmates aren't always romantically involved.
Or maybe there is another reason. If there is, I am willing to find out and willing to listen to other theories. Maybe there's even a multitude of reasons!