It was all my fault. Everything. The whole reason Micheal is in a coma right now. The whole reason why I am watching him die before my eyes. I keep screaming for him, but he never responds. Its all my fault. All of it.
I didn’t talk to Micheal for a few days. I was just upset. I would say all the routine things, but he knew I was upset with him. He knew I was just being a robot. This day was even worse. I decided to not say an entire word. Micheal wouldn’t stop talking to me like everything was okay. He kept telling me how his day was. He kept telling me I was beautiful. He kept acting like everything was fine and dandy, when it wasn’t. I was dying inside.
On one side I loved him even more for the effort he was giving me currently. When I was ignoring him with all the power in my being. He was giving me all the effort he had to offer. On the other side it was upsetting me, for exactly no reason at all.
He leaned over while we were driving down the road and whispered I love you in my ear. I felt warm and loved truthfully, but I ignored the fact and said nothing. He looked at me and said whats wrong darlin’. I looked away.
For the first time I could see he was out of words. He was out of things to do or say. My ignoring him was getting through. He was hurt.
Micheal still kept a smile and told me how beautiful I was and then kissed me on my cheek. I wanted so badly to turn in and kiss him back. But I did not. The reality was I slightly leaned away.
I was scared. For the first time I was secure and that created such a fear in my veins that I couldn’t even accept it. Why would Micheal stay. No one else did. Why was he loyal. No one else ever was. Why did he see me as beautiful, when no one else did. Micheal was more than perfect.
I needed time to be alone. It was too much. Things were getting too serious. So I just pushed him away. I wanted to let him in. Yet I was stuck from pushing him away as hard as I did.
Micheal asked me what was wrong and I cried. I told him that it was nothing. I said it so quietly that he could hardly hear and he continued to ask me what I had said. So I would say it again, of course ever so quietly. Micheal just continued to ask what I had said. I guess he was eager to hear what I was saying since it was the only words I said today. However, I was upset and this only upset me even more. I knew that me and Micheal were too good to be true and he would just leave. It was here that I decided to end it.
“I’m done Micheal. It isn’t working. Its over.” Those were my exact words.
He stared at me. His eyes told the entire story. He was heartbroken. My heart shattered. The only thoughts I had was, what have I done. Why did I just do this.
When Micheal looked at me with those eyes I knew that he truly loved me. I knew that all this time I had been pushing him away was wrong. It was a mistake, but it was too late to fix anything now. So I sat there in silence. Embarrassed and broken.
Micheal still looked me in the eye in such a heartbroken manor. I was on the verge of tears just knowing how broken he was. I’ve never seen this before. A man with such pained eyes. To know it was all my fault.
Before I could do or say anything it happened.
Micheal had kept his eyes off the road so long he went through the red light and out into the intersection. There was a car coming from the left side directly towards him. It happened so fast. My words couldn’t travel fast enough
The car went directly into the driver side and we were both knocked unconscious.
It was all my fault.
Now here I am on my knees asking the god I never knew to bring him back. My face wet with pain and tears. I feel helpless. Like watching someone fall into their own demise: Helpless. Except that is actually what was happening. I sit here watching the love of my life fall into his eternal slumber. Truthfully I don’t know if I can handle the world without him. Right now there are so many things I wish I could tell him. How would I know if he could hear me is the only real question. Then again here I am on my knees praying to the god I never trusted nor believed in before. I guess if there is ever a time to trust he is there—its right now.
So I spoke as loud as my voice would let me before actually screaming. “Micheal I’m here. I promise. Hold on a little longer. It isn’t over.” It felt warm when I said this. Not the warmth I can easily explain with words but an assuring warmth that Micheal had heard my voice. When I looked up there was nothing different in the room. Micheal lay there surrounded my nurses and doctors who fought to keep him alive. “Micheal, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” tears fell like a rainstorm sliding down across my cheeks,”I love you with all my heart.”
I knew that wasn’t enough so I got off of my knees and ran towards him. I burst through the wall of doctors and grabbed hold of Micheal’s hand. I stared him in the eye and talked to him. Calmly and peacefully. I let go off everything painful I was holding on to for his own sake.
For a split moment I seen his eyes crack open and I was speechless. I just gripped his hand even tighter. The world was lifted off my shoulders in this moment. When all I felt was the fear of Micheal’s death—he was finally waking up.
I guess the thing about hope is that no matter how much of it you’ve built up. Whether it be in a spit second situation or over a long period of time. It is always destroyed even faster. After the split second Micheal had opened his eyes they rolled back. The doctors dragged me away from his body. But I never let my eyes break from his. I swear he was still there staring back. How much of that being true I don’t think I will ever know.
Micheal just flat lined.
My world spun in circles and I fell to the floor. I physically could not handle what had happened just now. Watching Micheal die before my eyes. I know I had a small concussion from the accident but the stress from that happening took over my body.
I woke up in a white room. It was just me. There was no one else. There were no walls. No ceiling and what looked to be no floors. I was just there. For what reason I am unsure of. “had I died to.” was the only thought in my mind. I knew it couldn’t be true because if I had died Micheal would be here next to me holding my hand again. I’m just dreaming.
The room changed instantly. It became a field that was all to familiar. It was the football field from my high School. I haven’t stepped foot on this field in so long it was almost hard to recognize. There he was running across the track outside of the field. This was the day I met Micheal.
Micheal was a sprinter on the track team it was one his many passions. When he ran you could see it in his eyes. The sight was wonderful. A man with passion in his eyes. IF there is anything at all wroth describing about Micheal. Its that. The passion. No matter what aspect of his life it was, he always filled himself with passion.
It felt perfect all over again just like the first time. I searched all over for the words to say. Something to ask him. Just so I could get his name. Just so I could get him to notice me. He looked my direction and smiled. I thought It was just a coincidence. Why would he actually look at me and smile.
I always thought like that when I was younger, Hell I still do. It was so nostalgic and beautiful the sight. The memory of meeting Micheal all over again. God what I would do to get a second chance with Micheal so I could do it all over again. Just one more chance is all a girl could ask for.