What do I scream when words fail
There are no words
There are no words that can express, the utter, absolute
I am breaking
There is no part of me that functions well
Everything is broken
I can't punch or push away at the walls
The hands, the arms, the legs
Are all mangled, bloody messes
What is the meaning of this
You exist to fight
But you only lose
Fight, fight, fight!
All you do is get knocked back down
With more scars, more pain
More broken bones
The life of a man alone
To be misunderstood
To be uncared for
To be abandoned
To be expected to fight, regardless
For no reason
For no reward
For no purpose
Just fight, 'till death
You said you missed hearing from me
You said it's been too long...
Why is it
That you think you deserve a son
If I don't deserve a father?
You were never there for me
And now you...want...what from me?
Who are you again?
Both of my parents
Want to cry on my shoulders.
You want me to carry you?
Who will carry me?
As I sit here...waiting
I don't know what's real anymore
Everything is unbearable
When you're alone
A whisper is a hurricane
What is pain?
If there is a G-d
Why does he create things
That desire, and need and want
With time limits and restraints.
I'm running out of time...
There must be a way, to skip to the end
Good Lord i'm tired.
What sort of penance is this?
What did I do
To deserve this?
I think I've decided to run to the end
To spite you.
How dare you make me
How dare you make me like this
And leave me.
I'll run to the end
So I can spit in your face.
I'm no coward
I'll do my time
Where's my G-d damn gun
I take a deep breath
Rubbing my aching eyes
A greasy rag on the table
Red, dark red....maroon
Blood and oil
I see the shape of my revolver underneath and snatch it out
Roughly holstering it on my hip.
I pull out the chair, and sit down
Groaning at the stiffness in my knee
The room is dark, but for a small window high on the back wall
A simple window
A single pane
Grimy and smeared
I pull my gun from it's holster
Running a hand along the slick, cold, metal
The bond between a man and his gun
Between a man, and his tools
It's what separates us from the animals
It's what separates us from them
It's what keeps us alive
That's what he used to say
Damn at least I think so
It's been so long...
I rest my face on my hand for a moment
Feeling the scruff
How did I get here?
How did it get so bad?
I rise to my feet, taking my coat from the wall.
The feeling of arms entering sleeves
Clothing is the only embrace you're gonna get
It's the only embrace you deserve.
I check the cylinder, give it a spin
Lock it in
One in the chamber
And so it begins
Take me back
Do you know what the end is?
Have you been there?
Have you been...
I pray for the end
Trudging through the snow
Through the ashes of this world
Often I have dreams
Dreams of men who fall
Laying in mangled bloody heaps on the ground
You can see their final painful gasps
The terror in their open eyes
I have dreams of things
Things that follow me
Stumbling after me
Strange, broken things
With long, wet, matted black hair
With inhuman faces
And footsteps of blood and water.
I dreamt last night
That I was the monster
I broke and battered
Ruined their bodies
With my own hands
I recoiled at the sight
Though I continued
As though it were my job
Is it, my devil?
My own, personal devil?
G-d why did you make me?
G-d why did you create me...
If only to suffer
What is my purpose here?
I can't do this anymore
Please tell me
Is the end near?
I just want to go home.
The winter is long
I sit beside the window.
The snow is a silent bed
Blanket for the trees
It is perfect and white
Not a hare has tramped through
I hear a crow give it's raspy call
*Craw* *Craw* *Craw* *Craw*
The sun is so bright
Softened, and scattered
The light comes not from one direction
Simply, everything is bright
Clear, crisp, sharp
Like the cold
My hands hurt
I miss my family
Let's be perfectly honest...
Do you really think you can give humans the power of free will
And not expect this to happen?
I mean, look...
You made me, right?
How...in the name of you
Could this not be your fault?
If I build a car, and the car breaks down after the first mile
Is it the car's fault?
I made the damn thing!
You made me, SPECIFICALLY with the fatal flaw of imperfection
PLUS free will.
Honestly I'd say that's criminal negligence
It's almost as if you planned this to happen
You're almost as bad as those mothers who keep their children sick to get attention.
Is that what I am to you?
Did you make us just so you can play the victim card to all your friends like..
"Oh poor me...look, the humans have committed another genocide!"
Man...honestly just pay me now
We can settle this between us
How much cash do you have on you?
I'm not sure actually.
Really, I have an interesting perspective on this.
Most of my family are Democrats, Feminists, the whole nine yards.
I was raised the same way.
Went to a liberal college, made liberal friends.
But when I got out of the bubble of fantasy that is the American University
I had a bit of an awakening.
There's an old saying, that goes something like...
A Republican is a Democrat who got mugged by reality.
So I got woke, from the dream of leftism.
It wasn't so much that I preferred Republicans
It was that I suddenly saw....everywhere
How the Democrat mindset was ruining
As a result, I now see the majority of my family as lost and brainwashed
Who live in a fantasy
Yet they seem to see me in the same way.
Which, for obvious reasons can make it hard to relate to one another.
They would be the ones to not invite me to Thanksgiving
Though they still do
Really it is I, who declines
I'm the one who doesn't "invite" them
Instead I visit my extended family,
Who aren't constantly virtue-signaling, or calling things racist and sexist.
People who understand the pain of life, and don't shy away from it.
They are unpretentious, honest...
And they live here and now.
Not in some apocalyptic future
Or some shameful past.
I'm thankful for that.
When the Innocent go to bed with the Guilty
The soul and the mind are fighting
Can the soul forgive the governing mind?
The soul requires justice and retaliation
But the mind can see the future
The mind can see beyond momentary catharsis
It's as if the soul acts like a bouncing ball
It takes in energy
And it must be released
Where the soul is tickled
It must laugh
Where it is yelled at
It may cry
Or yell back
Where the soul is injured
It seeks vengeance
But a good mind will chime in
Tut-tut little one
If you strike
His soul will be inclined to strike you back
And you do not know his mind
His mind may not be quite as sharp
Or keen on control, as I
The people of Israel are the soul
They require justice
They deserve justice
And they know it
But the governing mind of Israel
It’s military, it’s politicians
Cannot act as the soul would want
Surely if they did
Gaza would be driven into the sea
Who’s decision was it?
To allow the people of Gaza
To be governed by terrorists?
Terrorists who desire the death of the Jewish people
When the innocent go to bed with the guilty
Who shall be punished?
The answer of the Christians
Is to turn the other cheek
To end the cycle of suffering
But when that is not enough
When your neighbor will only be satisfied with your death
Because of who you are
If the mind acts as it should
And the violence ends
And there is peace…for now
The soul will remember that justice is owed
And it has been deprived of said justice
Will the soul forgive the mind?
At the level of the individual
At the level, of a nation, of a people
Perhaps, given time…
Time is something we don’t have
Life is so short already.
Is it though?
If only we could agree on what life is.
You can’t exactly
Dole out justice and punishment
On animals and souls
If you can’t tell one from the other
That’s a good question
I guess we’ll just have to carry on…
Where is the Line?
Between tolerance and standards
Between tolerance and decency
Between tolerance and the rules
That mark the rails
Upon which the train of civilization travails
I know all the talking points
I know all the rebukes
I used to fall on the left side
Of the political aisle
I remember what it was like
And now I watch
As they continue to descend into chaos
It’s almost like I…
Jumped off the train
Just as I noticed
The bridge was out
We’ve reached a point in our collective dysfunction
A sort of
Critical mass of madness
Where I can point out something happening
In the real world
That 20 years ago, would have been a film
Or a book
Describing some dystopian nightmare
And the response is always
“It’s the right thing to do.”
Just like the characters in those books
The actors in those films
Who believe with religious zeal
That this is the just and only way
To save the world
I hope the author of this story
Has thought of a better ending