Generosity Is My Addiction.
it almost serves as a validation for me that i am a decent person. i give and give of myself until i feel empty, until there’s nothing left. you could ask for the very marrow at the core of my bones, and i’d give it to you; knowing it would be excruciatingly painful. and for what?
giving, in my brain, equates to love. giving of time, undivided attention, energy... sacrificing your wants and needs to make sure the person you love is taken care of. you were never capable of this; your selfishness choked out every good thing in you. i didn’t realize this until it was too late; i had given you my heart and when i understood that you could never give me what i deserved, i didn’t even ask for it back.
i thought giving you everything would cure you. i blindly believed that i could be enough for you to change, or at least to try; if not for my sake, for yours.
you are far too comfortable in your misery that you don’t even try to hide it anymore, but i couldn’t keep living in that lie. perhaps we both don’t know how to be happy, but at the very least i can say i tried to prevail over the nagging thought that i didn’t deserve happiness.
i wish i had been enough for you. i wish you believed i was worth your time. i wish you could have loved me the way you claimed to. i see now that what you felt for me wasn’t love. i merely served as a validation that someone could meld their heart with yours; even if it was unrequited. i was the proof you needed to rid your fear of being unlovable.
you recklessly tainted and scarred my heart. you took everything from me without remorse.
You ever miss some small detail about a place that you never thought you'd think about? There's a kind of bird where my grandparents house is and it sings a particular song and I miss hearing it. It reminds me of summer.
I miss hearing the sound of the rain beating on the roof of that house because it sounds different. I love the rain there.. The sound of the wind rushing through the leaves of their trees in their garden is different. The sun feels different there. The night sky is better there. I miss all of it but at the same time have no desire to ever go back to that house... But still want to share that place with you and I don't know why.
Maybe because it's such a large part of me. It's almost like if I take you there, you'll understand me better. Which is ridiculous, because it's just a place. But it means so much to me, and I want to tell you everything about it...
I want you to notice how my heart is breaking.
How naïve I was to believe I was strong enough to carry your pain, to bear your scars on my body; and somehow, still manage to heal your tortured soul.
I wanted my love to be enough to cast the darkness away from your mind.
I wanted to be your main focus.
I wanted to be caught when I fell for you.
I wanted to be enough.
Time and Distance.
I realize now that you don't need me as much as I need you.
You want to love me, but you don't know how... So you only love me when it's convenient for you.
Absence did not make my heart grow fonder.
My heart grew colder... detached... and numb to you.
Perhaps I am to blame for putting so much time and distance between us.
I am not to blame for the silence.
If only you understood, my dear, that your silence is the most violent weapon of all.
Perhaps a part of me wishes you could be scared of losing me, the girl you claim to love.
That maybe, just maybe, you could realize what you have right in front of you... And realize you're letting it slip through your fingers.
I never needed anyone... But I need you. I want you. I love you. And it terrifies me more than anything to have opened up so much to someone.
I've completely surrendered my tattered and fragile heart to you.
If only you would surrender your time.
I feel my heart moving on, while the rest of me is reluctant to follow.
These strings intertwining us together are becoming weaker, snapping with each minute I miss you less.. My fingers desperately trying to tie them back together... My mind desperately trying to find a reason to.
Messy Scribling #5
Just because you love someone, it doesn't make them a better person.
What scares me the most about us, isn't him... It's myself.
My ability to become detached so easily has been both a blessing and a curse.
I could get over him, right now, if I wanted to. I could separate myself from everything that bounds me to him in one swift figurative slash of these cords that intertwine my heart with his.
If I wanted to... So why don't I?
Why don't I end his frustration with our situation when I know he deserves better? When I know, deep down, that the victory we both crave will come at great personal cost?
I provide you with the most predictable and naïve of answers... But also, the truth:
Because I love him.
I love him with everything that I have... To the point where my heart physically aches in pain, unaccustomed to hurting out of pure joy at the thought of him.
He has completely overtaken my mind. Once more, I have handed over the keys to my heart; But this time, I know I have chosen my captor well.
Messy Scribbling #3
Sometimes I crave to be something different. I don't want people to view me as just another friend, or just another girl; I want people to be perplexed by me, to be something otherworldly, complex, and strange. I fear becoming "normal" to someone who used to view me as exciting, fascinating, or even mysterious.
Everyone has different sides to their personality and I fear that I only show one side. I don't want to just be "this" or just be "that". I want to be an intense mixture of everything that can sometimes be overwhelming and maybe even a little terrifying, but so exhilarating and refreshing at the same time. I want to leave a deep impression on people's hearts and minds. I want people to notice the light in my eyes... And to notice when it's not there, too.
I don't know, maybe I'm terrified that one day, the mystery of "who I am" will be gone; that what was once new, surprising, and intriguing will become commonplace... expected... familiar.
I don't like the idea of knowing someone so well to the point where your interactions become a routine. I crave spontaneity, mystery, surprises... And maybe the constant wondering of the unknown will drive me crazy... but it keeps my mind busy.
The allure of the secret person people are inside calls to me so strongly and the thought of never truly knowing someone fascinates me. People have entire worlds inside each and every one of them, and I yearn to discover the deepest parts of them. I want to know every dark crevice, feel every raw emotion, see vivid and dull colors through their eyes... I wish to experience the beauty of people's minds, to roam the universe they keep locked inside, and to feel the inspiring power they have within themselves.
I ache to have those indescribable connections with others where you feel like you're a part of something bigger.
And yet, despite all of this, I'm terrified to show who I really am.
Wander with me through
Rolling clouds of moisture and mist
Covering the forest floor
Draw in the raw air,
Let it overtake your lungs and
Fill you with new life
Help me find myself
While we star gaze,
Connecting the dots of
Billions of dying yet brilliant stars
Recall your lovely daydreams,
Then let them pull you under
The way the sea swallows you whole
Impart to me the beauty of your mind,
Allow me to roam the universe
You've kept locked inside of you.
We're aching for adventure.
Unbeknownst to us,
Our journey has only just begun.
While this world seems helpless,
I urge you to continue steadfast
For you've only scratched the surface
Of the indomitable power
You hold within yourself.