Just Another Thursday
You said the words I never thought would hurt me so badly.
My best friend,
the one who has known everything about me since I was 12,
told me that I got left behind when she went off to college,
not just physically, but mentally.
She told me she left me behind.
That her heart belonged there,
and that communication became a chore.
I had a panic attack for the first time in a while after she said that.
I spent my night crying, physically in pain,
because I was losing my best friend for good it felt like.
One day it will all turn out to have been just another Thursday,
but for now, it's all I can think about.
You are the key
This time last year,
we were falling in love.
I never thought I'd find someone like you,
someone who makes me feel like I'm enough.
And I know we're not together anymore,
but I promised you I'd always love you.
That hasn't changed;
only now I'm stuck here with the memories of all the things we used to do.
I've seen all the things you've posted lately,
about how lonely you are,
and I've written and erased dozens of messages,
knowing that I'd only leave you with yet another scar.
I can't pretend I don't love you,
that I've lost all feelings like I thought I had two months ago.
I was confused, I was depressed,
and I didn't want you to have to carry all my woes.
I'm sorry I didn't communicate how I was feeling.
I know now that the reason we don't talk anymore is me.
And I'm sorry that you feel alone, like no one loves you,
because the truth is, my heart is a locked box, and only you have the key.
not my intention
I saw your post today.
It said that you realized that no girl ever had actual feelings for you;
that they all just used you until they found someone better.
It broke my heart.
I hope you don't think that about me.
I have loved you so intensely,
even now, when we're not together.
I can't fathom the idea of living without you,
so I watch your profile,
and like all of your posts,
but I still only get to see you in my dreams.
I love you,
and I want you to know that I always will.
I just can't keep being the one who breaks you because I'm unstable.
I hope we can work out one day,
when I've healed all my wounds,
and found ways to move past all my wrongdoings.
I truly do want to be with you,
so I'm sorry if I made you feel unloved,
or used.
It was never my intention, my love.
I have these dreams sometimes
where I wake up sweating and panicking.
I feel like I'm falling,
and I wake up terrified of the things I just saw.
In the dreams,
he's coming towards me.
I can smell the cigarettes all over again,
see the twisted smile on his face as he drained away my livelihood.
I try to run,
but he grabs me,
and pulls me from behind.
I feel his big hands on my neck, on my chest,
but then he fades away
and I wake up.
And then the next night,
the dream starts normally,
I'm walking down the street with a friend,
and suddenly I spot him.
I run in the opposite direction,
try to escape the impending doom,
but he catches up,
and no one stops him.
The dreams don't get any worse than that,
they just put me on edge,
always expecting to see him somewhere,
never finding any peace.
seasons of my heart
Winter
My heart is cold,
the outer layer dead,
blackened.
The roots survive,
hunkered down waiting for the sun
Spring
The flowers bloom,
beautiful colors fill the air.
I have found the one
who opens my petals
and lets in the sunshine
Summer
Everything is warm,
sometimes too much so.
But I keep on with the charade,
knowing what happens next.
Fall
My leaves start falling,
every lie you tell me is starting to fail.
My heart gets ready to close again,
preparing for another long winter
stuck lonely,
trying to preserve the roots for the next spring.
just another friday night without you
tonight is a rough night
i've read through every text we ever sent
while listening to a song that tears my insides apart
and cried my eyes out
sobbing in my bed
wishing i could go back to those days
when all i had to do was open my phone and you were there
now i avoid it
and you're still on my mind
i know you're the one
whose absence will never stop hurting
making my chest feel like it'll explode
no contact
He just left, he never cared about me
She thinks she's the reason he left
She doesn't think there could be another reason?
He didn't love me like he did her
She thinks she wasn't good enough
She thinks he found someone better
I can't live without him in my life
She credits him with her life
She feels insignificant without him
I love him, I'll never love again
She made him the center of her entire universe
She thinks she can't continue life and find someone else
Session over
I know what I need
She is highly dependent on others emotionally, but doesn't like being a burden
She wants things she can't have
She just has to keep no contact
I have a feeling that won't work out
grief
grief
the internal reaction to loss
i lost you
and i can barely breathe
does that mean i'm grieving you?
i'm grieving someone who is still alive
and now is well
not sure you ever grieved me,
guess i couldn't have been a loss to you
just a weight lifted off your shoulders
i grieve you in every moment
that's why my heart always hurts
it's missing
and grieving
you.
a letter to my mom (now that i’ve grown up)
I'm sorry, mom.
For all of the stupid things I do
that annoy you on a daily basis.
Biting my nails,
hugging you every five seconds,
talking your ear off;
I'm sorry.
And for the days when I feel like
no one loves me,
the days I doubt your heart;
I'm so sorry.
And I don't treat you badly on purpose,
I love you,
more than I show it.
I just have days when it feels like
the whole world is against me-
it's not your fault though.
If I'm having a bad day,
please don't assume it's your fault.
And if I don't make it as far in life
as you have,
it doesn't reflect on you-
I don't blame you for any of it.
Just know that I love you,
mom,
for everything you've sacrificed for me over the years,
and all the troubles you've gotten me out of.
I am eternally grateful.
Thank you.