I’m not me anymore
I'm not me anymore. If I'm being honest I haven't been me for awhile, hell I'm not even sure who me is anymore, but it's getting worse everyday. The thing is no one notices which is both a great relief and a knife in my heart. No one notices that I am slowly slipping away, that I lose another piece of myself everyday, no one notices that I don't even recognize myself anymore. I put on a show to make it seem like I'm fine, go to work, school, family dinners and events just to make it seem, to give the illusion that I am okay. But I'm not and it hurts that no one notices. Maybe it's my fault for putting on this strong face in front of them but I don't know how to not do that and I will not let them watch me struggle. I will not let them watch my sink and crumble. I just wish someone would see past the show I put on.
I look at these scars on my body and wonder why did I do this to myself. I mean I know why I did but now I have to explain them to everyone but I can't bring myself to tell you what they are actually from. So I make up stories of great adventures that ended in injury. All the while knowing exactly what happened but your face lights up hearing of my "adventures" and I cannot bear to tell you that my scars are from me. That at one point in my life I was so low I cut my skin open to feel something. That I sat and watched as the blood trickled and the sight, the feeling, brought me peace, brought me comfort. Because all the blood and the pain meant that I was still living even though it did not feel like it.
I miss that
Night time has always been my favorite time. As a child I would climb out my bedroom window and lay on the roof in the dark among the stars. I would just listen to how quiet, how peaceful it was. The world was always too loud and so was my head but at night it all got quiet and I would listen to the crickets and the frogs and just watch the stars until the sun came up. I was content, I was happy then. I miss that.
I’m so angry. I’m not sure exactly where the anger is coming from. Is it from my childhood? Is it from school? The anxiety? The depression? I don’t know. All I know is I wake up angry and go to sleep angry and it’s exhausting. I hate being angry I don’t want to be this person. Carrying my anger around like a bag of bricks weighing me down. Holding me back, holding me down. How do I move past this? Is there a way to move past this or will I be this angry person for the rest of my life?
I don’t know who I am
I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m stuck. Part of me so desperately wants to get better, to heal. But I’ve gotten so used to the depression, the sadness that it’s become comfortable. I know it like the back of my hand. I know what to expect and I’m scared to get better because I have no idea what to expect.
I know that I will never be good enough for you. I never have been even when I was a child and all you had to do was love me and show me the way nothing I ever did seemed to please you. But sometimes I wonder what I did or what was so wrong with me that you couldn't love me, why you hated me so much. I wonder was it the ADHD, the depression, the anxiety? What was it that was so wrong with me that you my own mother couldn't stand me. All I ever wanted was for you to love me. Was to have the relationship with you that other girls have with their moms. To be able to come and talk to you when things got hard or I was going through something. But I couldn't talk to you about anything because everytime I opened my mouth you made me feel like I was a burden. Like there was something wrong with me. Like I was unwanted and in the way. Like everything that ever happened was my fault. But it was never like that with the boys. They were perfect in your eyes. Everytime they made a mistake that's exactly what it was, a mistake. When I did you always said it was on purpose that it wasn't a mistake I was just going out of my way to make your life harder. I did everything I could to try to make you happy and it was never enough. I was never enough.
Took something from me
You took something from me. Not anything that hasn't been taken before but for some reason, it was worse this time. Maybe because I promised myself I would never let it happen again and then when it did I froze just like the first time or maybe because I really thought you cared about more than just my body. But you took something from me. You took my ability to trust that people will hear me and listen when I say no. I'm not comfortable in my own skin and I feel disgusting every time I think about what you did. I tense up when people try to hug me. You took my ability to allow people to touch me, my ability to be physically intimate with another person. And now, now there is someone that I really like that I so badly want to be intimate with but I can't because all I can think about is what you did to me. What you took from me is not something that hasn't been taken before but it hurt worse when you took it because I thought you cared about me... I guess I was wrong.
I'm not the girl you marry. I'm the girl who will show you what unconditional love is. The girl who will always have your back no matter what. I'm the girl who will take your baggage and put it on my back so you don't have to carry it alone. I'm the girl who will love you like you are the most amazing person in the world. The girl who will heal your past and show you just how truly amazing you are. But I'm not the girl you marry. I'm the girl with too much baggage and damage. I'm the girl who has to work really hard to find anything good about herself. The girl who wakes up most days wishing she hadn't. The girl that you'll try really hard to love until you figure out I'm just not worth it. I don't blame you because if I had the choice between me and someone else I sure as hell wouldn't choose me.
I’m not okay
I'm not okay. I know I told you I was I said I was fine and I really wanted to mean it. But it's not true I'm not okay and I'm not sure if I ever will be. I want to be I'm trying so hard to be okay to be fine... but I'm not and I don't know how to fix it. All I want is to be okay even if it's just for a second. I just need a little peace a little break from this hell hole that is my head. I'm slipping and I don't know how to stop it. I don't feel bad anymore about lying about my sobriety because if they cared they'd notice right... I don't feel bad when I say I'm busy when I'm just laying in bed or when I let your call ring out and then shoot you a "sorry can't hang today" text. But I can't tell you any of this because it is not your burden to bear and I do not want to become a burden that you must bear. So I will bear it until I can't anymore. Until there is nothing left of me and I finally give in I will carry this so no one else has to.
Parts of me
I try so hard to hide parts of me from everyone. The part that cries every night when it is time to sleep. The part that longs for the numbness, the peace, the temporary escape the drugs used to bring. The part that wishes so badly to just be done. I am tired beyond belief my mind drags along with my body and my soul that are depleted. Every day I wake up and hide these parts of myself because I fear they will not understand and if they do they will not care or they will use these things against me. This is why I lock the most vulnerable pieces of me away from prying eyes. Away from people who will say that I am weak, worthless, or that I had everything going for me and I threw it away. My entire life I have pushed through hoping that when I make it out of the storm things will be better... but the storm hasn't gone away it has just gotten bigger the winds stronger the rain harder. It knocks me off of my feet every day but I always get back up even when I would rather stay on the ground and give up. But these parts of me that I hide are so heavy and I am not sure how much longer I can carry them on my own. I wish for just one person... one person I can trust with these parts of myself. One person to help me carry them. One person to see me for the whole of who I am and still want me, still believe in me... still, love me.