I have a major life update
So as some of you who've followed my journey since I first found Prose know I used to date a guy who was also on Prose. (I had introduced him). We were around 14. A lot of my friends here were very supportive. I graduated highschool a year early and moved for college and I mostly just disappeared. The thing is, I had a lot of stuff happen. I've come on here a few times and given updates but yeah. I dropped out of college after my first semester because my ex pressured me to drop out. I moved in with him and it's like my life fell apart. It took me forever to realize it but a lot of the things he did were controlling and abusive. He was constantly tearing me down. I almost gave up writing because of him, because he told me that I was never going to go anywhere and no one would want to read what I write. April of 2022 we broke up. At the time it felt like the worse thing ever because I was so attached to that boy. But therapy and making new friends has made me realize that I wasn't attached to him because I loved him or he loved me... I was attached to him because I grew up thinking I was nothing and at first he made me feel special and that was addicting. I should have left him the moment he blamed me for all the things my father did to me when I was a child. I should have left him the moment he told me I couldn't hang out with my best friend because she took some of my attention away from him. I should've left him the moment he told me nobody in my family loved me and they wouldn't notice if I killed myself.
Around July of 2022 I started to look for someone new and I started dating another guy. Do you ever get the feeling that if you stick around a person they will hurt you, physically. That is how I felt about this dude. I also had the same nightmare every single night since I had met him. I was very wary of him. Every time he was me, he wanted to have sex. He was constantly giving me gifts and showering me in affection. (granted I very well could've been paranoid but I was convinced he was love bombing and I still am convinced he was) He made plans to take me to Jackson Square in NOLA because he wanted to show me the tarot readers and crystal shops there. I crashed at his place because he didn't want to bring me home. He raped me. Multiple times. I broke up with him as soon as I got home and was away from him. I wrote him a letter in google docs and emailed it to him. He called me 67 times wanting to work it out. We dated for a week. I blocked him. But I learned real fast that there's a lot of people that care about me when my brother found out.
For months after that second relationship I vowed to myself that I was going to heal. I focused on myself, deleted all dating apps. My routine was eat, sleep, work, and heal for months. I eventually started dating another dude in the army around my birthday. Things were going great but then he broke up with me because of deployment. His words were "If you do not move on, I will make you hate me. Forget about me, find a great guy who went to college and is not in the military, marry him and live your dream." I can't really resent him for breaking up with me... I know he just wanted what was best for me and maybe he knew he wasn't going to be that for me.
After that I dated a guy and he broke my record for the shortest relationship I've been in,. We dated for 3 days and he left me for his ex.
After that I gave myself a little more time before trying to enter a new relationship. But I am in one currently. His name is Jason. I feel like I could talk to him about anything and everything under the sun. He respects me and he encourages me to do the things I love. He comforts me when I am sad and makes me laugh. When he doesn't know how to cheer me up he'll sometimes look up corny jokes and read them off to me just to help me. I feel safe with him. I feel heard and seen. He makes me feel special but not in that overwhelming way, like I know I'm special to him but not just when I'm happy. I don't have to hide any part of myself for fear that he'll be repulsed because he loves every part of me, wether it's my angry side or my hyper side. I've never questioned it when he's said he loves me. I've never felt wary of him when he gives me affection. He shows me he cares about me. Everything inside of me just tells me he is the one. His name is Jason but my heart has named him Home. We are getting married in August this year. Nothing fancy, just a courthouse wedding.
What you will never understand is, I wanted to live, not because I was with you, but because seeing you smile gave me hope that things would get better. I wanted to live because hearing your voice reminded me of all the beautiful things in this world. I wanted to live because I'd found the rarest thing in the world: love and I couldn't let that go... Not without a fight... I didn't keep living because you asked me to or because I was with you, I kept living because your existence reminded me of things worth living for.
I want to die now because I fought for love and you seem to have given up so easily on it and the pain that comes with knowing that I wasn't worth fighting for, shatters my soul every waking moment. But I hope that whoever replaces me has some semblance of love for you...
I'd been held captive for years by my step mother, doing nothing more than cleaning, cooking, and being a source of food for my step sisters and her. My skin was a frightening pale color and my eyes had become dull. I couldn't stand it anymore. I hadn't been in the sun since I was thirteen. These parasitic creatures were taking everything I had. They were nothing more than a disease and I would find a way to be the cure. At least, that's what I'd been telling myself for years, right before starting my morning chores before the sun had even rose. One day, I would make good on my vow.
Know your worth
I have been told this so much, I see it on social media a lot too.
I hate this saying. I KNOW my worth but I don't believe it. There's a difference between knowing something and believing something. And I know people are gonna be like "Well if you don't "believe your worth" than you don't truly know it.
The thing is, is I know I'm human and I deserve respect. I know I deserve someone who loves me unconditionally. I know I deserve someone who is gonna worry about whether I've eaten 2-3 times a day. I know I deserve to feel wanted and loved.
But, I don't believe I'm deserving of that. I don't believe I'm worth the time it takes out of someone's day to give me respect or to be loved or have someone worry about if I'm okay.
You can know your worth but knowing your worth does nothing when you don't believe it.
The Girl Who Danced in Her Ashes
She was the girl that loved with an intensity so bright, it'd blind her. She'd never see the pain she felt. But when she finally cried out for help, no one was there to care. She accepted her fate and rather than boiling in self loathing for being naïve, she danced. She danced barefoot among her ashes, not caring that she would one day be burned to nothing.
She learned, there was no Prince Charming to save her from herself and that was okay, she'd do just fine. It was just her and her all consuming fire of emotions.
The promise of forever rings in my ears,
It's the only thing my heart will hear.
Yet with every shattering breath,
I know I need to let you go.
All everyone says is you've moved on,
You've found a new girl.
You have no idea how much it burns,
But I've learned how replaceable I am.
I wanna say you'll never find someone better than me,
But I know that's not true.
There's girls smarter than me and not as insecure.
Girls better than me as a whole...
All I ever was, was replaceable.
And that's all I'll ever be.
Now I have to pick myself up,
piece by piece.
I spend my waking hours, hating myself.
How could I be so naive and believe anyone could love me?
How could I have believed that we'd last forever...
How could I have let you in without second thoughts.
You have the power to destroy me,
I gave you that sword, like an idiot.
Now you've driven it through me,
And without so much as a blink, you left me to die.
So a quick update about my writing and book(s). I am in a really vulnerable and emotional place right now and honestly, I can't bring myself to really write anything other than every now and again so as much as I'd like to write at least once a week, I can't. I am still hoping to find beta readers but my writing is slow af right now.
That being said, I'm trying my best.
Chasing the Feeling of Unwanted
Cut all ties to him, maybe I'll heal.
Heart strings slowly tear,
As my tears become a waterfall.
Soul shattering sobs sing my sorrow.
I don't think I'll survive my world collapsing.
Now I have to find a new dream.
Giving up a love I fought for.
The demons are winning,
Hope has abandoned me.
Even Love decided I wasn't enough for her touch.
Fate never thought to warn me.
Envy embraces me when I realize how easy this is for him.
Everyday I break all over again, and he just ignores my existence.
Living has become unbearable...
I have no choice though,
No matter how unwanted I am.
Giving up was never an option for me.
Of course, I'd do anything he'd ask...
Fear paralyzes me, knowing how deep my devotion dives.
Unable to cope, chasing a feeling,
No one can change my mind.
When he told me why he avoids me, I knew the truth.
Any hope I had was snuffed out,
Now I'm forcing myself to move on out of spite.
Teaching myself to be okay,
Even though I know I'll never be okay again.
Deep down inside, I'll always chase him and the feeling of unwanted.
My favorite word is Love. It's a beautiful word.
When I was younger, like seven, I would watch movies and read fairy tales and fantasize over my Happily Ever After. When I got older, I watched my sister in her relationships and quickly learned that Disney had lied and that no matter how good love was, I'd never get to have a story like Cinderella or Belle Or Ariel. I quickly grew sour towards the notion of love. Pinterest fed this by showing me quotes too. I remember one and to sum it up it basically said that God and the devil both created potions called "Love" one was beautiful and the other was abhorrent. Then I met a boy. I was 14 and in 8th grade. He made me feel seen and heard. Suddenly, the world was alive with so many colors I'd never seen before. The bird who woke me every morning, her song was gorgeous all of the sudden. The smell of flowers was stronger, more elegant. The world was beautiful and life was worth living. I met a boy and his name could have practically been Love for saying his name is the equivalent to hearing the most beautiful sounds in the world. His name could have been Love for seeing his face was better than witnessing the every color unknown to man. His name could have been Love for touching him for the first time set me on fire Even now, his touch still does something to me, his name still makes me smile, and the sight of him makes me want to cry with joy. It's no fairytale but even when I'm on the verge of tears, all I have to do is look at him and I'm fighting a smile. Love is my favorite word, unless I could choose his name.
Funny background story first:
My family plays a game called Wahoo. In this game, you get 4 marbles and 1 dice. If you roll a 1 or 6 you can leave your "prison" as I call it. Then you have to make it all the way around the board to your home. You have to get all 4 marbles in your home to win. The catch is, if someone lands in the same hole as your marble, you have to take that marble back to their cell until you roll another 1 or 6. If you get someone or roll a 6, you get another turn. If you win, you yell "WAHOO!" We get very competitive. One day, I was playing with 2 of my brothers and my grandmother. One of my brothers, the oldest of the 3 boys, gets one of my marbles out and starts talking smack about how he's going to destroy me and blah blah blah. And this is what I said, and also the motivational part:
"You cannot destroy me; I'm a phoenix and I will rise from my ashes."
My grandmother LOVED it! Now whenever I feel some crushing weight of defeat I tell myself that this may consume me but I will rise every time I fall. I was 14.