there's a quote: "to love someone is to confess: i'm prepared to be devasted by you" by billy-ray belcourt.

and i agree, a confession is kneeling your head, subjecting yourself to the one you love's whims, but i think "i'm willing to be devasted by you" might be more appropriate. we are rarely prepared for the crushing weight of loving another, and being loved, or kindly rejected, and worst of all: being only tolerated. i'm not sure there is a way to prepare for such devastaion that is loving another, that is confessing and waiting in the liminal silence for a semblance of an answer.

arguably, the one confessing knows this, and in knowing this, is "prepared". knowing you will be devasted and willing to take that on is perhaps part of the preparation of being devastated. it depends if you believe you, or the subjective potential lover in this quote, can prepare for devastation. if it can be prepared for.

cw: death, rant, mentions of depression and suicide

i didn't want to shower today

i was too tired and emotionally exhausted and also edging back into depression and my family didn't understand and it was so horrible to just say "i don't want to" and "it's too hard" and "but i didn't do anything i just want to sleep" and they were like "it will take 5 minutes" "it's not like u have to go get your own water you have a shower" and "just do it riley".

i have spent the entire day thinking about how i can't write and i can't learn japanese and am fucking up uni and i was cheated on and i'm so afraid of men and sex now and my family is just falling apart at the seems bc my younger sisters are also on a pipeline for depression and my parents tell me to help them, to talk to them bc "it'll be easier" from me, and it will me, so i have to do it, but then also my mother had an affair and if she didn't she would actually be there for my sisters and me and i wouldn't have to be my own mother and my sister's make-shift mother

and then i shower and i am alone with my thoughts again

and then i come out of the shower and everyone just looks at me like wow wasn't that easy

and no no it was not

i was crying and i wanted to die except it is not easy to die in a bathroom with like nothing in it and that would be horrible for my sister to know and see and even if i said it was an accident (bc i could not kms i would only succeed in sending myself to the hospital) she would find out or at least suspect

and so i just put on my shirt and write here

but i am worried one of them will be like "that wasn't so hard" after they finish showering and i am going to want to leave and go away. but i can't bc we are in the middle of no where and they don't know, they don't understand

no one talks about how lonely depression is

but maybe it's not depression. i can't tell. i feel like since i've been diagnosed i've never been healed, i don't know if i was ever "normal" like ofc you are sad sometimes, but i feel like i want to die so often this likely isn't normal. i don't know.

but i am a happy person, just right now i am sad. so i am writing about being sad so i can be happy later. but right now i am so sad.

maybe talking is not such a big deal. i always think it will be, and i build it up to this great thing in my head, but then i talk to him and he has bad spelling errors and not enough information for those many words and it's frankly, not that interesting. we often forget everything is in our heads.

i don’t think i’ve even been dating someone and happy. i’ve been in love and happy; but whenever i’m with someone i guess i’m just waiting for them to leave, or to see what they want me to do next, or how this one is going to break. and it’s not…nihilistic? it’s more anticipatory. i’m bracing. when i like someone but they don’t know, they don’t respond, our relationship isn’t on the line, it’s so easy to just yearn and yearn and yearn. but. i feel like i can’t be friends with my exes and therefore i’m always so worried i’m going to lose them and therefore forever. i lose them as a romantic partner and a friend all in one and then i’m back on this blue website and my heart kinda hurts and it feels like when you drink too much coffee in the afternoon on no food and it’s a half headache half hating. but when i break up with someone i’m never really over them because i still am endeared. so i. i just can’t. do anything. i’m never happy with someone and never without because i love making people feel loved and when i don’t love more i feel like guilty, like i’m dragging it down but then maybe it was just the sexual coercion that was giving me a bad feeling in my stomach. maybe i need a cigarette. i don’t need a cigarette. i need a moment where i exhale and thags my only job. my only job is to breathe. but yeah, i’m most happy and in love when i’m in love with someone and they don’t know, maybe they suspect, but they don’t know. maybe that’s selfish. cause i can just pour feelings onto them. but whenever i’m with someone i’m just bracing for him to dissapesr back into his house or them to admit he doesn’t like me, he just likes me listening to me, and THATS ALL THEY LIKE. THEY LIKE BEING LISTENED TO. and i don’t like not being listened to. therapy….this has dissolved into a rant, so be it.

do you ever really get over someone who you loved? there will always be a little part of your heart straining and tearing through everything, ripping down your walls and wanting to be with them. do you really ever listen to their voice and feel nothing? walk down the street and know you could grab their hand? you don't do it, but you entertained the thought, and doesn't that count for something? do you ever just. let go? move on? i think i will always be a little in love with all of those people.

please god, make me an artist in my next life too.

if i read 100 books a year - mind you, 52/year is one per week, so 100/year is just under 2 a week - i will only be able to read 1000 books in a decade. that seems like so little. i'm sure the classics take up at least 300/400, and now we're left with about 650, which still has to encompass screenplays and manga and poetry and all the unconventional and then the books. i can name ten books easily. and that's a tenth of what i can read this year? only??? there will never be enough time in this life, so please god, maybe me a reader and then a writer and then those two a million times over.

but i want to be a visual artist, an animator, a sculptor, a performance artist, a ballerina, a choreographer, a painter, a sketcher, a playwright, a screenwriter, a book editor, a poet, SO MANY THINGS. and arguable i could do all of that in this life, but i want to be able to dedicate a life to all of those things. i want to be able to throw myself into it and dedicate all i have to all of that. and a musician. i want to be a violinist. and a singer. someone who tours. and a drummer. and someone who takes care of the greenhouse. and someone who excels in high fantasy, and then romance, and then dystopia, and then a journalist, and an architect, a famous ao3 writer, so many things.

please please please god make me an artists in my next life, and the one after that, and the one after that, and on and on and on because there will never be enough time for the arts.

she is pretty, not because of her physical features, and not by the magazine standard, even though she fulfils those too, but because her nose crinkles when she laughs, and she wears down people with her over-enthusiastic questions, and she wears that one shirt over and over and over again and assures me it was washed last week. she's reading narnia again, because it is her second favourite childhood book and it's june, and she is more open-minded than is probably good for her. she stops more for stray cats than stray dogs, and she follows a sign-language learning blog even though she isn't fluent by any definition in her mother tongue. she puts too much salt on her fries and then always gives them to me. and then we both need water. she hates the wind but she loves the rain, and she takes her coffee with one tablespoon of sugar and then a little more.

i have never been taken on a date.

i have been in four relationships. and i have never been taken on a date because my partner wanted to take me on one. it's always been because i asked and they felt like they had too.

like i wish they wanted to. any everyone says it's stupid, that your partner can't read your mind, but if i've asked for them before, like maybe i would like more than one.

i remember feelings so stupid asking for him to take me on a date because like.

i always want to be friends with my partners before we date, but then there is this hard transition into intentionally romantic gestures that go beyond a kiss or hand holding or something like that.

i asked him to take me on dates in feburary and we have been dating since october. because we always ended up going back to him place. even when i asked for walks, he would just be like, we can talk at my place, but then he wanted to watch things or do physical stuff and i wish he wanted to spend time with me like in a nice way.

the first r/s was a summer fling. there was nothing wrong with it. we only hung out. they got me lavender. no official official dates makes sense.

the second was half-online. the first and only time we met up when we were dating did we go on a walk.

the third was i guess. he took me to the christmas market because we had talked about it before, as friends, and how it was wonderful and i had never been. but that was it. every other time we just walked or hung out or was chilling.

the fourth. i guess i shouldn't count it. cause we didn't do it right. it was a situationship. we couldn't get together for various reasons and it wasn't right. but i had to ask to even just go on walks instead of staying inside. i took us to get boba or go to the art museum or to get korean food. even though i had asked for it.

no one has ever just. wanted to take me and maybe this sounds stupid but no one has ever taken me on a date because they have wanted to take me on a date. no one has ever taken me cause they want to, it's because i ask or it's planed for a while. NO ONE HAS EVER PLANNED ONE FOR ME AND TAKEN ME CAUSE THEY WANT TO AND I'M AFRAID IF SOMEONE DOES I WILL BREAK DOWN AND CRY AND ACTUALLY DEDICATE MYSELF TO THEM ON THE SPOT.

this is such a rant.

i'm just fucked up. because i have to love more so i will never hurt my partners but then i am never happy because i put them on this pedestal and they can look down on me and then they don't care about me

idk it's not like i want someone to write songs about me or bring me flowers or take me on dates but i want someone to care about me enough that those actions cross their mind and they want to do it for me.

cause i always drag my partners places and i bring them flowers and THEY NEVER.

i display my love through stories and flowers and thinking of them and i wish they did the same because it would be like speaking to me through my love language

i don't necessarily want the physical things, i want them to think of me and care about me and want to do something nice for me and those sentiments traditionally manifest in those physical expressions.