Judas (how I see him anyway)
I am not religious at all, never even read the Bible. But the story of Judas and Jesus just intrigues me so much.
Think about it:
You personally know someone who is more or less divine, maybe you consider them a friend, a leader or a confidant, just someone who is supposed to know it all. You follow them.
Then something changes one day. You don't know what exactly. Maybe you were blinded by greed for a moment, or something terrible possessed. All you know is that doubt has set in and you'll betray them.
Your friend tells you and bunch of other people they know that they'll be betrayed. What do you feel? Guilty, terrified, anxious?
You betray them, with an imitate gesture, a kiss of all things. Address them as someone above you, and it's gets them caught.
It's come to light that your friend is going to die as result of your betrayal. You might feel it all sink it, try to repent your greed and change what has happened, but you can't.
You take your own life.
It doesn't help that I'm a sucker for betrayal stories, and I just think Judas is very interesting.
Goldie
A golden retriever stuffed animal I named Goldie (how creative of me). I think he was a boy, it was so long ago I can't remember.
I loved Goldie, and I would have held onto him forever (even if it could have been unhealthy). He accidentally got put into a donation bag, and my mom either wouldn't let me open the bag or the bag was already gone (probably the latter, but my child brain was so mad at her at the time that I probably villainized her a bit).
I'm still bitter at how we parted. I miss Goldie.
what’s probably gonna happen
I am just a little girl
Who used to see the world in gold
Now I realize it's a lie
I see it because I'm borderline old
I am just a young lady
Who can't wait to move away
Pack my shit and live in a dorm
Leave what I know to decay
They'll call me little lady
When I give a liberal speech
I'm too tired and young (and old) to care about politics anyway
They sucked away any care I had just like happy leech
I don't wanna be an old woman
Because it mean's I'll have to live that long
I'm okay being a young asexual slut forever
I don't care if you think any of the words I've said are wrong
I'll be a young bitch until the reaper takes my lips
I thought I would die at 12 so my whole future is the present
Like an RPG protagonist, it's just a sad fucking story
Do whatever you want after rigor mortis kicks in, you have my consent
don’t question how she got there
She told me she was drowning
But we were in the kitchen, so she was obviously lying
I pointed this falsehood and she giggled and let herself out
This was her house, but maybe it became my house in her absence
I looked into the sink and realized
Oh crap, she was right, she's drowning
She drowning in my sink
it sounds more dramatic than it really is. i’m doing fine
He loved me back then and let me know
I didn't love him
He accepted that, and he moved on
I learned to care for him and I grew to know him
I'm not sure if he knows how much I care
I've accepted that, because I can't tell him that
I think I love him, maybe a best friend, it could be more
I can't tell him, because I already rejected him
I can't tell him, because we couldn't date
I can't tell him, because I think's he's moved on
I'll learn to accept that, and move on too
he treats me like I’m a cat (or I treat myself like one)
He told me he liked me
About a year ago
I rejected him then, for personal reasons
(my sexuality, not feeling ready to date, and the biggest one, my parents)
we're still friends
I kinda like him
If he asked me out again I'm not sure if I would say yes, but I would tell him how i feel
but it wouldn't be fair to him
(my sexuality, even if he says he's fine with it. one day he may not be)(I'm going to college over 2 hours away. he's staying here.)(my PARENTS)(do i like him romantically? Or is this my platonic feelings just consuming and confusing me)
I don't think he'll do it again, despite what (at least 2) of our mutual friends seem to think
Because he comes to me whenever he's interested in girls, or thinking about asking them out
It makes me feel weird, but I'm not sure how
("I'm going to ask out our mutual friend" she rejected him. he asked me not to tell anyone and I didn't)("why do I keep asking out lesbians and how do I avoid that?" i asked if he counted me as a lesbian, under a lgbtq umbrella term. he did not and i sent him an article about 'how to spot a lesbian') (just yesterday he texted me "a girl i asked out rejected me but we stayed friends. we have no more classes together but she asked if I want to hang out Saturday, what does that mean?" i told him she probably just misses hanging out with him as a friend because not everything has to be romantic.)
why do you always come to me with this stuff?
I know you're not trying to hurt me, but this feels like your leaving out pins and I'm willing sticking them into my hand
how am I like his cat? He holds out his hand so he can pet me, but doesn't know how I'll react.
He holds a string in front of me and i just bat that shit, even knowing that he's holding and moving the stick.
i give him treats, and hope he'll appreciate them, just by giving me his attention
I want love, but don't know how much i can get, and if I can return it to him like a human, or like a cat who wants to be seen,
don’t blame your savior (I don’t blame you)
You can me cut all you want but I will never bleed
Pull hair right out treat me like a filthy weed
But I'll smile and grin and let do whatever you want
Because I'm better anyway so I don't see a point
Am I controversial? Only as a much as the rest
It's not wrong to say when you know you're the best
I wouldn't spew shit, trust me when I say it's true
Blame me all you want but it's not my fault!
kinda like a vampire, right?
I don't like the sun, it hurts my eyes
I don't like how it can show me the time
It's dry and hot and too damn emotional
I'll stay in while it's sunny
The rain can hide me in it's mist
Everything is dark, no calendars can help
The damp apathetic and occasional joy
Make me come out when it rains
Dead kids
Another kid from school died, last night (the third this year alone).
I kinda knew him. I know his mom pretty well, and I used to talk to his younger brother a lot. They look very similar, so much in my foggy memory I can't recalled which I spoke with.
I'm okay. A bit shaken up that the son of such a sweet woman is dead, that someone my friend would casually mention is dead.
My friend John wasn't sad. He explained to me that his coping strategy is being petty and told me that he was upset because John planned to kill him on his wedding day. I doubt he noticed it, but he was in shock. I distracted John from this, and allowed him to be slightly more playfully mean to me than usual without me fighting him too much.
My other friend I didn't have the chance to talk to. He just seemed tired and sluggish. Looking at him made me feel ill.
I kinda knew the first kid who died this year too. My friend was a friend of his. The only time I really interacted with him was at a different mutual friends party. He was a bit rude to me, but I had no opinion on him. When he died, my friend cried for days.
I'm not personally effected by these deaths. But I'm so fucking sick of dead kids.