you are still the only man in my life that I want

you still make me cry on some days

you are still the reason I love the idea of tattoos

you are still there in every cherry blosom

you are still the one i love and miss even with her next to you

you are still the one I want to show how to dance

you are still here

in my heart and I need you out like you hvae done with me.

I see thing's I do not want to see

I see your smile next to her's.

I see you kissingher check like you kissd mine

I see your photoboth photos just like the ones we had

She's new

she wasnt there before

she's a new face to touch

she's a new face to kiss

she's in the place I was

I hope she knows that you make weird noises because that is who you are

I hope she knows that you sometimes just like to cuddle on the couch

I hope she knows that when you get upset you don't talk about it

I hope she knows you don't think you will live for long

I hope she knows how to love you like I did

I hope you know how to love her

I hope you maybe can see yourself living past the age of 25 again.

I wonder if maybe you think about me on some days.

On days that I loved.

On rainy cloudy days.

Maybe in days

I hated sunny humid days.

Maybe you think about

how you broke me.

Maybe how you loved me.

Maybe how I smiled with you.

You probably don’t.

I’m probably all on my own

with those thoughts.

Ill always be a jellyfish trapped by a dragon.

I wish I could say these don't relate together,

I wish I could say you deal with them once and then they go away

I wish I could say Heartbreak just hurts a little like a shot

I wish I could say Anxiety is just you wanting to move around alot

I wish I could say Depression only happeneds on rainy days

For me they all relate

For me I deal with them on a daily bases

For me Heartbreak hurts everytime I remeber that I lost the love of my life

For me Anxeity happeneds when someone doesn't talk to me or thier tone

For me Depression hit me on sunny nice days and on days I had fun

I will let them all relate

I will come to understand how to deal with them

I will learn to live with Heartbreak from here on out

I will understand my Anxiety and not let it define my realtionships

I will understand it's okay for my Depression to be around just not ruin my day

I am more than just Heart broken , Anxious and Depressed.

Ells, love of my life,my dear ex

After almost a year since you broke my heart

To much of me is still stuck on you.

I can sometimes vivdly remeber our first kiss

Now that is bitter sweet to me

Going certain places hurts my chest and still makes me want to cry.

My mind is filled to the brim some days of being held,

Encaplusled by your arms in your twin size bed

Amazing how much a year and thousands of dollars put into therapy it took to breath

Life back into me, you know I honestly left me for dead.

I wanted to give up without your romantic love I had lost my home with big windows

Visably broken my friends helped me back up, Mint tea helped me back up

Even my old old friend helped me come back to life after you

Slowly I have come to the conclusion that you will forever be the love of my life

Life moves on and I still cant be with anyone.

Oh have I tried I have kissed 3 men since you left me none of

Which had me feeling warm inside, your kissed gave me happiness theirs were like

Licks of saddness they weren't you, but my therapist says I must move on I will

You will see me alone in a physical big window aparment living as best as I can without

The Love of my life

Oh honey I saw you after 2 years.

I saw you walking into red light brown hair fluffed up and your shirt tight to your arms and in all the right places.

When I walked in you were trying on glasses.

I waited, and waited ans waited,

To feel, to get that warmth all over my body when you looked at me and hugged me.

Nothing, I felt nothing when you took off the shade nor when you hugged me.

Your smell changed, You got taller. babe you didn't effect me like I thought you would.

I didn't want you to kiss me, I didnt yearn for your touch I just was happy to see you,

Who was my first "love" if you can call it that, my first kiss under the willow tree 2 blocks from our middle school.

None the less it gave me hope that some day I will be able to talk to HIM and not feel like I am dying inside.

It gave me hope that I would be able to some day hang out with HIM like I did with you.

For once in 6 months I felt hope and I felt how I found this new you attractive.

I found this new you intoxicating.

Just as I had 2 years ago and I dont know what to do with myself but hold on tight to edge.

I can't fall and won't for as long as I live.

Both you and HIM have made me afraid to fall ever again.

WBS

Ells, My broken forever boy, My Howl, Magical Yakuza Being.

"Are you breaking up with me?" I asked shaking feeling how with each nod you gave

My heart broke into every little piece that was yours.

Your reason wasn't because you ran out of love for me.

It wasn't becuase you cheated on me.

It was because you feel like you can't give me forever.

But you are my forever.

you said I would find someone who would love me like I love them someone who could give a forever.

You said I would find someone to have a big white walled appartment with big windows with and have many dogs.

But you don't know that

Your two eyes are the big windows in the apartment.

Your arms are those white walls.

I know this could be a goodbye forever. I can hope not. I can pray that it's not.

You said maybe some day we could try again. If you felt like you could give me forever.

Oh babe, you have given me forever.

I will never not love you.

I will love you forever.

I will miss you forever.

I don't want to let what we built be lost in the wind.

What we had will be inbetween us and will be only ours. forever.

I love you with my soul and heart. That will never change I can promise you that.

None the less I feel like I am dying.

My body shakes from shock. I wake up in sweat and often at night.

I have never wanted to scream and run from my own body till now.

I have lost half of my heart and soul. My body doesn't know what to do.

Thats why I am dying. and I am dying without you.

I wish I knew what goes on in your head.

I want to know if you still are intrested in being friends.

I want to know if you even wish to see us when you are here.

Are we a annoying again now?

I Just wish you would speak to me.

I don't ask because if I do nothing good can come from it.

I can feel it.

I miss you. I just wish to spend time with you like we did a year ago. singing in the car.

I just want to go Hiking with you and all the friends, But I feel you so far that I can't even reach you anymore.

Maybe A Goodbye Is Near. One That will Hurt. Alot.

"I am sorry." "I know it was wrong." "I only wanted to forget him"

you say

as you unvail a secrect that you kept deep in you for a year.

You say

As my fucking world crashes down to the ground.

like a building I thought was steady and strong out of no where was not strong it just lied to me and fell.

I don't say anything. I can't.

I had thought all along

"she maybe just has a cruch I understand that."

"I mean he is hard not to fall for my two weeks boy is hard not to fall for and harder to forget."

"I can understand a crush"

But here you are next to me in the college cafeteria.

Tellling me.

" we hooked up." "it was a year ago"

any reason after that is bullshit. I asked so many times.

"do you like him?"

In diffrent ways. You could have said anything but you didn't.

Now

I am flooded with question.

did it happen when we went hiking?

when we went out for burgers?

did you two secretly drop us all off then hook up after?

why? Why? my bestfriend why?

You saw me for months hurt over him

You saw me cry and not eat over him

And

You went and fucked him. My ex, My other best guy friend.

You. My best friend, My potato.

You don't have a vaild excuse.

so on friday after i wanted to talk set everything down on the table.

I felt bad.

But I wanted to see you cry.

I felt happy and sad.

Happy to see you cry.

Sad it made me happy to see you cry.

I would never do this to you.

but you did it to me.

We will see how this goes.

For now you are nothing more than an aquaintence

And

Him picking Her over you was not your karma.

This exact thing will happen to you.

your friend will fuck your ex you loved and it won't be me.

I swear it.

My dear ex- fucker- friend

Now Judith listen well.

I am an adult

I know shocking right that at a college level prgram you may work with adults.

Now honey I know my path in life and don't get me wrong

I know you mean well

but how about go tell

someone else your plans for their future

I tell

You. I do not want to do this and that and you make a fit for that

now please Judith dear you are old enough not to pout and tear

just cause and adult knows where life is going and

maybe you did not at the ripe age of 19 but hey thats not on me.

I just know where I got to be at 25.

So please Judith dear don't fuck with me. I know where im going

and I don't really need anything from thee.