But I digress
One who elicits a desired chemical combination
Which is difficult given that pixels are not as able to deposit copious amounts of what produces those neurochemical con jobs that bring about the insanity, temporary for those that have a modicum of control, that know that holding on and keeping your eyes open to watch the madness is better than completely giving in
But I digress
All the rest fell, leaving a trail of tears to diminish that atrocity because my white female sub heart is more valued than any other kind of heart, what with who I think I am and the joy I bring by offering to serve you in ways I see fit, not dependent upon reality or virtuality while you do as you see and i do as i do and i cry girl tears that slowly crawl down my face and i long for a word
But I digress
I demand of myself the actions that I would demand of no others and i leave a trail of burning bridges, smoke rising slowly, sending signals of please and no but i won't ask for a thing of you or shameful verbalizations of what i like, because a heart guarded is the best kind of heart, that I let you touch, I let you take out and toy with but i always hold the key and lock it up after a volley of words and i never say one word and i never will
But I digress
You fell for sweet and you fell for kind and i get where you fall for that bs because that's fun to hurt and make the sweet baby girls cry and kittens just hiss and sputter and only let you get a pet in before they bite you with sharp dagger teeth and sharp dagger words before they flick their tail and walk off
But I digress
I let you take up space in my head for far too long but I'm not sure I'm ready to evict you. Just the thought of dragging out those boxes means giving up and going forward, leaving your dusty ass behind to do...well, whatever it is you do as I've hardened myself to that phrase
It's really moving forward
I gave in, good girl too soon, too often, and yet not enough. I let an unguarded me go against a fully guarded you, all done up in shining armor, really a tinfoil fool whose actions and words and gestures were grand, whose acts were badass, whose look is carefully prescribed, painstakingly distressed, handwritten calligraphy vulnerabilities, shared as proffered rare gift when the value was prescribed to be none, a blue book value of one.
It's really just accounting
I undervalued myself and overvalued you, as i am wont to do, whem i decide I am due for that invariable bad choice, that subconscious desire to make someone my next bad d decision and I do the numbers, a cost benefit analysis, and i see again that I can derive not much from you when it all came from me. You were transfigured and transposed, made into art and a mirage, beckoning promise, declaring yet another adoration but i didn't see, that transmutation.
It's really just lying to myself
Romantic notion intertwined with sordid reality is the nemesis, little crowds that peck at your brain, but crows are smarter and nicer, murder pack to watch your back, and bring you shiny baubles which are worth more than those imaginary foibles
Dreaming in technicolor fantasies of daddies and princess tulle, hold me, spoil me, only me, saccharine sweetness that in no way measures out to real he, as when he's balls deep he's not thinking of your sweet feelings, it's all animal and less evolved.
Don't fool yourself, little girls and little boys, daddy isn't kind, daddy is soft and trying to assert but through fallacy and misdirection, phallic prestidigitation, runs his score, wanna be big man thinking small
It could all be so much better, not having to pretend that this is what it is, a mere flash in the pan, but a harsh moment that holds up to the light without having to worry about ruining the mirage, the good man oasis
it's all just fantasy
Open your eyes
I, for one, welcome the robutt overlords
only we could control every experience
while remaining truly powerless
We walk around with shopping lists and recipes
I want this, a dash of that
Age weight hair height eyes voice demands
Me me me, controlled ennui
Thinking this is how we do things
How we ask for loss while only gain
Their needs nothing next to our want
We hate the men
We hate the women
While we place our a la carte
Orders upon demand
To be ordered upon demand
Beat me free me,
my Adonis of my mind
We're only a brave new world away
From Narcissus staring at a screen
Black mirror bleak mind
You're the pixels of my dreams
She sighs into Skype
Let her do that clean up work
Worry about your whereabouts
Why her charms aren't working
Why digital pussy dont keep you put
Don't you know how many bytes
She's consumed, of you,
How many gigs she's browsed
Looking for trails of your nuts
Squirrelly girl insecure
Her hell is my fun
Emotional maso on tap
Choose me now
Don't get close
Let me hang
The buzz goes fast
But I remind myself
Drag it out
The fool keeps
one in her heart
The one who knows
Keeps a few
The Empty of Something and the Everything of Nothing
The absence of something that was threatened to be withheld but interest was lost or couldn't maintain the need for nothing once given something. Stupid girl, who would beg for nothing from someone who is nothing yet she wants him to be something. Not even her something.
Not anything like those other girls. She knows the effect of transferring and projecting desires and expectations onto another person. At least if she disperses them, the fallout is minimal, tiny little mushroom clouds that give off so little poison for one who thrives on the taste of it.
It's a cobbling together of nothing from someone who wants nothing and yet just a little something. Give just a little, something to feed off of, something to drive towards the nothing, which is yet the something.
The truth is I don’t want him watching me while I eat. I don’t want him to see my hunger. If you have a need and they find it out, they will use it against you. The best way is to stop from wanting anything.
~Margaret Atwood, "Alias Grace"
I hold myself still, in check
It's not that i never admit want or hunger, but only what i give you. What you haven't tried to wrest away from me, those apples given are not but little formalities, doled out graciously so that I should take them, to keep the doctor away, who might fix what ails or just stumble around and make it worse.
I see what he's after. He is a collector. He thinks all he has to do is give me an apple, and then he can collect me.
But I don't see what he's after. He makes no attempt to wrest from me more than i am willing to give, which he waits for me to do so that it is given freely as i force myself to admit to my own desire. Chess of sorts, trading apples and snippets, a lack of wine and whippets, chemicals to absolve and transfer blame for hunger but instead it's black and white.
A surprising lack of clarity perhaps, He plans his moves, an in the moment lack of planning as planning is artifice and lacks substance, based on ephermal thoughts and expectations. Trying to sit on a cloud and expecting to remain on solid ground while seeing cherubim and seraphim as the conspirators in the madness.
I move unconsciously horizontal, he moves diagonally, at once to shorten the distance and hasten escape. The spaces blur and the rules of engagement change but there's no more red queen on the horizon. The white queen that emblazoned in red has gone for tea, up the rabbit hole again, off for more apples. Feed me, drink me. "Make me feel like poison exists in my veins, my time is short and my moves are broadcast. "
Let her be rescued by the rabbit. Let her chase time. I've crossed across the tales and gone from delusion of imagined reality to the unreliable narrator of a supposed truth, one I will never really know. Is it what i classify it that makes it different, is it the perspective or the words chosen? Does it even matter, but to the one who reads it for now, i who keep only bits and pieces stored away, patchwork to use as i unreliably narrate my truth and i hide an apple in my skirt and yet one in my heart, as a stone
Nameless and Swimming
It's easier to be nameless, to not be a specific thing to anyone. It allows one to disappear within the very non defined nature of a not-thing. One doesn't have to follow prescribed rules of normal engagement, one doesnt need to bare the soul or open the heart because there is no obligation defined by role.
One can choose freely and clearly where one wants to be. Frightening sometimes to be without a safety net of naming. There is power in names and there are expectations. To walk away from naming is to let all the power in naming be null and void.
Awkward and difficult to navigate sometimes. Frequently or usually, some might argue, but it is really dealing with one's own insecurities and doubt, letting the woobie of expectation go. My safety blanket burns while i struggle to keep my head afloat some days.
I'm becoming a mighty strong swimmer though longer and longer I can hold my breath, walk away from the firm foundation of the shore and the sure. I like the struggle and i like examining my doubt, and finding that extra store of breath when i was certain that water was too deep.
Homewrecking: An Homage
i dont belong to anyone
The myth is they are sad lonely women, just waiting to prey on poor unsuspecting faithful men. Can't get their own, have to steal, homewrecking harlot. Trollop, hussy, bad girl.
Like these men are innocent. As long as there is a roamer with a hard on, we will exist. We dont want happily ever after. We don't want the kind of love yall have, that long term warts and all. No, thank you.
We want the best parts, the juicy parts. Parts you see but have to temper with the smelly shoes and shitty attitudes. You get those because obligation. We are choice.
Slam on the easy side piece. We don't give two shits. Not like we are gonna stop. Not like it means anything to whatever your man says to me.
These Girls Should Come With Warning Labels
Woe is me is ode to me
I beg, i plead, i cry invisible wolf
My tragedy is your new baggage
Manifested twice the size
These tears, they fall
Down my lovely face
Come let me drown you
In a sea of my own making
victim me, sad me, lonely me
How they are wise and fine
The apple of mine eye
Whispers and withers
I sing your odes
On my own belljar
Sea glass never cuts
but mine ass will
love me like i love
or woe is you
Houses and futures
i dream of collars and rings
yes, Sir forevers but
i've already enshrined you
In my golden tower
will never leave
odes for days
and no more play
The insecure or maybe
i am we are because
Mountain tops, we scream
banners high, hearts held tight
dont take flight
stay and love me
I protesteth too much