I’m not sure you can miss something to vital to your existence, when you never knew you needed it in the first place. Until it became ingrained in every fiber of your being to emote and share, evaluate and establish every thought and boundary.
I wrote when I was younger to get closer to another human, in the private space of journal lines through song lyrics I created from dictionary pages. This wasn’t me.
I wrote to understand this same human years later. Who bounced in and out of my life. In a manner that was abrasive and destructive. And I allowed it. Because I foolishly sought what I understood his love to be. This. Is no longer me.
I write my happy now. But I do so with caution. I do not want to incite the other foot to drop on a human who is a partner. They care to understand and they understand in order to care.
It‘s amazing what you will do for a sliver of affection when you do not fully embrace yourself and all you truly deserve.
I now match energy. I don’t have to beg for attention. And I’m not too much. I am me. I am enough. And that is valued. I had to recognize that value first however. I also had to learn what a boundary was. So that I could set them. And adhere to them. It’s weird when you have to google something that would have saved you so long ago.
It‘s a game changer to sit back and look at how much I did for people who didn’t deserve it, simply because I was so desparate for perceived love or consistent companionship. You will never find fate hidden amongst poor life choices that fail to reflect your ideals. And above all. Do not settle.
And then one day…
you suddenly notice your skin doesn’t have the same elasticity it once did. It no longer resembles satin and is more of a tightly knit together lace.
the few extra pounds coupled with the daily aches and pains are commonplace and you thrive in the throes of that normalcy.
crow’s feet now crown the eyes where angle wings once danced upon colors, bold and unyielding.
time and seasons have changed the body, for better or for worse.
those marks, born of progeny, forever serve as keen reminders of duty, dedication, and pride.
It‘s not for the weak but its beauty is beyond compare.
but that’s okay.
because.
To grow old is a privilege that not all are afforded.
And beauty is not limited
to the surface of the skin.