Alone with darkness.
These dark clouds won’t leave me be
I am standing all alone in my own battlefield
My only armour is my mind
The same mind that is the traitor
Show me how I can defeat myself
Without losing the best part of me
These dark clouds won’t leave me be
The darkness within is swallowing me
I know I can’t take too much more
It’s all starting to cause me to change
I know these changes are not appealing
These dark clouds won’t leave me be
I am drowning in my own mind
I can feel my happiness leaving me
I know I am alone
Alone with the presence of darkness.
My eyes are heavy, they feel dry, the sort of dry tired eyes feel at the end of a long day
My feet are throbbing, the balls of my feet feel as if they are bruised
I really want a shower, I want to feel the hot water running down my back
I want to ease my tired muscles with the heat of the water
I decide I just need to lie down for a minute first, the whole house is sleeping except me
I wake in the mornin, confused, I am still dressed, no pyjamas
It is then I remember, I lay down for just a minute.
I sit in silence under the tree
I have my back against the rough bark
I can feel the different textures of bark through my tee shirt
I have my eyes closed
But I know this tree
It’s so big I can’t fit my arms around it
It’s trunk is strong, it’s tall & wide
There aren’t many branches until you look further up
The top of the tree is full of big branches, all covered with green leaves
Once in awhile you will see a koala sitting up there
I can hear the wind building getting ready to blow
As it starts the slight smell of eucalyptus starts wafting
As it gets stronger I can hear the leaves rustling, I can imagine them dancing in the wind
As the wind gets stronger I hear the big branches start to creak
This is the moment I look up & open my eyes
To watch the majestic tree dance in the wind
I feel at peace, I breathe in the strong smell of eucalyptus
I take in all the different green of the leaves
This is where my mind is finally still & quiet
This is my quiet, this is my place to be completely still & quiet.
It wouldn’t happen to me.
I stood there, full of nerves, shaking & sweating
In my head I was telling myself to be calm, I had my wedding dress on, my hair done, even make up
Dad stood beside me, my rock in life, he wiped a tear, he told how proud he was that I was, well me
I shut my eyes to gather myself, then I heard the music, her music, to start the walk down the isle
I heard a familiar tune, no song in my head, this was not part of this, why, where
I suddenly jerked awake, my phone, ringing so loudl, I knew who it was
The ICU doctor gave me his name, I asked him to wait just 5 seconds, I took a deep breath, shook my head & tried to wake up
Doctor, how are you I asked in my half asleep stupor
You need to come now, that's what I remember the doctor saying, you need to come now, we don't know
I knew what they were saying, my wife, our daughters Mama was unlikely to make it through till morning
I drove down far too quick, being thankful my best friend was staying & she could watch our beautiful girl
So many things go through your head when this happens, I mean this doesn't happen to good people
As I lay my weary head back down in bed some 30 hours later, I was grateful, she made it, she pulled through
Right now I needed rest, & my daughter needed cuddles
Six months later I am driving to the rehab hospital, a daily 70 minute drive, I don't mind, I enjoy the rare time alone
The doctors keep telling us she may be able to talk again, may be able to walk, but I see it in there eyes, they don't believe it
I am doubtful, there is no movement returning, no speech
I am right, I wish I wasn't, 18 months later nothing has changed, my heart is broken, I am deep in trauma, how did this happen from a 30 minute surgery?
Our daughter has been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety being the biggest issue
I can see the moment, she is having a anxiety attack about me going out to a psychiatrist appointment
She can't come, but she wants to, needs to make sure I am ok
I make the decision to be stronger, be a pillar for our girl, be an example
Its this that is my great out of bad, I found strength I didn't know I had, resilIance that kept me going
I had no concept of how strong & resilienant we can be, how we manage.
Now our daughter is happy, laughing. Cheerful & no anxiety.
The feeling inside that is warm, it spreads throughout your body
It takes away insecurities & gives back confidence
The way it finds it way inside is quite unexpected at first
The letting down of all barriers is often not a thought
Yet there it is, you can feel it within
You can feel the love of another, giving thei love to you.
As she walked along the old footpath, it had an indent on the left & the right, just wide enough to fit her foot, she thought to herself how many people would it take to make such an impact?
Impact to scoffed to herself, people probably notice the impact on the footpath from so many people more then her, it’s as if they look right through her, just invisible.
The thing was Eloise thought to herself, she liked to be invisible, she didn’t like too many people to notice her, Eloise knew she was odd, the less who knew the better.
Eloise had been an odd child growing up, always in her own world made up in her head. She had been known to have walked into walls, she shook her head as she walked. Walk into walls? She realised she really must have been somewhere else then where she was.
Just as Eloise was thinking this, she automatically took the step down the gutter, she knew this walk home from the office, she could do it blind!
She stepped onto the road, took 2 more steps, when a car screeched & blasted its horn at her. ‘Sorry’ she says , giggling in her head, nothing has changed, I still prefer my own worlds.
At the age of 17, Eloises parents had finally had enough, & took her to another psych, the best they could find.
Eloise laughed, they were always the best they could find. This one however was different, he could sense something was not quite right, & pushed her for months to open up.
Eventually she did, she told him how she felt there were 5 people living inside of her, all with their own name & personality.
He nodded his head, made a few notes, & told her she had Multiple Personality Disorder. All of this Eloise didn’t take in, she just listened & nodded her head.
When she left, her parents were handed a script. She could hear the medication was meant to stop all the ‘nonsense’ within.
Know that Eloise is older, now 29, she does not understand why people call it nonsense, or just don’t understand.
She sees what they don’t, every single person she meets behaves a different way, subtle changes, they don’t seem to be aware.
Like the guy at the cafe today, he was wearing a very smart blue suit & teal tie, shoes were polished, hair was done well, clean shaven & she could smell his aftershave.
His order when it arrived wasn’t what he was expecting, he made that clear in a loud voice.
Eloise laughed in her head when he did this, I bet you do not behave at work or at the pub that way do you?
Different environments mean people act a different way.
Eloise stepped up the curb, on to another footpath. She turned left, &!there she relaxed, this was her home. Her sanctuary away from the world.