Your blood is on my hands. I lean over your lifeless body, pushing my face into your chest, your teeshirt drenched in your own blood. What have I done. The warm pool of blood around you, I pull myself away. Death is such a weird concept. One minute the spark is there; life in the eyes, blood flowing, the next its gone, over, empty, just the vessel left.
My hands are sticky as the blood begins to dry and my chest heaves. My last meal joining the blood on the tile. Foamy bile as I cough and sputter.
Your death was not something I planned or decided on. It was a split second decision that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life.
A serge of anger and I plunged the knife deep in your chest. Sharp the blade broke through easily as I felt the bone through the handle of the knife. Like butter, hardly any resistance. It was over, decided, done. Today was your day to die.
The blood began to seep out from under you, up around the knife and you coughed it up onto me as you struggled to breath. I just sat there on top of you. Watching you struggle in your last moments. Watching the life leave your eyes.
How could I have done this?
I bring myself to my feet, but slip in your blood, falling hard to the ground. I pull myself up gripping the counter and pick up the telephone. Slipping down to the floor, I lean my back against the hard cupboards and dial 911.
"911 what is your emergency?" The operator on the other end of the phone says
I stutter, "There, there has been a murder..."
"Ma'am what is your address?"
"I did it, I killed him. I don't know why, but he is dead. I killed him with the knife. He is dead, dead, I did it. Why? I killed him. I don't even have a reason. I should be dead not him, I don't know why."
"What is your address?"
I mutter "52 Front St.", hanging up the phone I stare at your body. What did I do? My eyes blur as the tears well up. Why aren't you breathing? What did I do?
I can hear the sirens in the distance as I pick the knife up again. I shuffle over and drag my knees through the sticky blood. I shut your eyes and give you a kiss on your forehead.
I can hear the door being slammed on as I push the cold steel against my own chest and feel my blood trickle down joining yours on the floor. This is what I deserve I believe as I push the blade as deep as I can before my arms give out and I fall to the floor beside you. My blood mixing with yours as the world darkens, the figures of the people around me fading into the distance as I let the pain leave me.
The machines were beeping as the world was brought back into focus. Dingy hospital walls. That light blue green. This wasn't right. I should be dead. There is a pain in my chest. My arms are cuffed to the bed.
I was supposed to be dead. How can I hold onto this guilt this pain forever. The loss of you and knowing that its all because of me.
My vision blurrs as the tears well up and they trickle down my face. The sobs come, but they are met with a sharp tearing pain. So this is my punishment. To live forever with this pain and guilt.
I stop crying and stare at the wall.
I'll never forget your smile. The way you held me. All the good times and the bad, but the moment that will forever haunt me is the pain that crossed your face as I pushed the knife into your chest and hit the floor beneath you. Total betrayal. Hurt, confused all ontop of the pain of the blade.
I need to suffer.
This is what I deserve.
I walk into the room. The little beast in the carrier is hissing and snarling at me. Learing angrily at me. Spit flying, teeth bright. Its owner, oblivious to the danger, they smile and talk about their day. I suggest gas anesthesia so we can properly examine their bundle of furry and they dissaprove. We hold her down and muzzle her with the thick leather gloves I hope her teeth won't penetrate to my soft flesh. We hold her snug and I push the cold hard steel into her neck, drawing back on the syringe, the dark blood flows.
In this world, everything has been given limitations. Is this how the world has to be?
Is there a limitation on love?
That would depend on who you ask. Your mother may tell you a different story than your brother who has just met the "love of his life".
Your mother may not be able to stand the presence of your father who she had thought she loved a long time ago. While your brother can't get enough of the girl he met last week.
You set your own limitations on love. How much are you willing to sacrifice for that love.
What is love? Does it have a true definition? Devotion. Affection. Warmth. Attachement. Tenderness. Fondness. All these words can be used to describe the feeling.
What do you call the one you love?
Darling. Honey. The One. Husband. Wife. Girlfriend. Boyfriend. Lover.
Mother. Father. Brother. Sister.
To love someone is to say that you would do anything for that person. You would sacrifice in a multitude of different ways for that person. They are worth the sacrifice, the effort, the work.
The only limitations that exist on love are those that you have placed on the word yourself.
In true love there are no limits.
So if you can feel the strain of those limits, it is not true love. Its not real. Possibly it is infatuation or you simply enjoy the attention. True love is mutual.
Before you utter those words to the one you love, make sure you mean them. The word holds a lot of importance and you need to make sure that you mean it.
Many mothers and fathers would do anything for their children. This is true pure love.
Some relationships are true love as well, although it is more rare to find than we would like to think.
There are no limits on love if its real, true and pure. If it is not, you will always find an excuse, some reason why you can't support the one you say you "love" there will be infinite limitations on this love.
Be careful before you declare your love.
Mean it or don't say it at all.
P.S. To the one I love, if you are reading this. I am sure that I love you, my darling.
You Are Mine
Your dark eyes caught mine as I walked down the street. Your hood pulled up over your ears, the strong wind swiped at it exposing your soft hair to the wind as it was swept back. I stopped, leaning against the wall to watch you. My prey. I would soon have you all to myself.
You entered the bar and I followed not short behind. As I entered the room I lowered my own hood. Pulling my own hair free from the jacket. I unraveled it and let it fall to my waist, as it gleamed gold in the dim light.
You had taken a seat at the bar, your thick muscled arms resting against the surface as the bartender brought you your drink. I perched myself on the bar stool two to the left of you and ordered a whiskey on the rocks. I watched as the woman behind the bar poured the thick fluid over the ice. She set it down before me and I watched the condensation form on the cool glass. The water droplets forming I ran my finger along the glass as the water pooled and trickled down.
I tilted my head to the right and caught you watching me, but I held your gaze as you started to look away. Your lips parted as you smiled and your cheeks flushed with the embarrassment of getting caught starring. To your surprise I too smiled because this was exactly what I wanted. I was going to have you tonight.
I slid off my stool and took the few short steps to the one closest to you. Taking a seat I turned my head and gave you a sly smile. You broke the silence with your husky voice as your dark eyes gleamed back at me in the dim light. I held your attention as I ran my fingers down your arm, I felt the goose bumps that rose on your skin under my touch. I laid some money down on the counter and interlaced your fingers with mine, pulling you with me. You followed me out the door and along the dark pathway into the car waiting under the streetlamp.
After a short drive we pulled up to the apartment building. I passed the driver the money and pushed open the door. As you followed me through the revolving doors and to the elevator I pushed the silver button and the heavy metal door slid open. As the elevator rose the pull of gravity grounded me to the slick floor. As we reached the fifth floor the doors slid open and you followed me out the doors and around the bend to the apartment. I slid the key into the keyhole and turned it as I pushed the door open smoothly.
You slid in behind me, and latched the door. I reached for the lock and you heard it click as my hand traced your face. My fingers following the curve of your jaw, I pulled you into me as I entangled your hair in my fingers. I pulled back, skimming your lower lip with my teeth as I lured you into the bedroom. As the back of your legs hit the edge of the bed I gave you a push and you fell back onto the bed as I got on top of you. I pushed hard down on you, stroking. You pulled me down to you as you watched the mischief in my eyes.
I ran my tongue along the ridges of your ear, grazing your earlobe with my teeth. I felt you tremble beneath me and your pants get tight under me. I reached down and ran my hands along your inner thighs, and then with one slick motion pulled my shirt up over my head and reached for yours, doing the same. As I ran my fingers along your body I traced your pant line. I reached for the button and undid the zipper, I slid them from your body as I stood up and let my own fall to the ground. I slipped my bra strap off and undid the latch as you watched me. I saw you lick your lips as you saw me expose my pale flesh to you, I dropped my panties and proceeded to pull yours off. I crawled back on top of you as I felt it move beneath me and I pushed into it as I rode you.
As I heard you groan and I pushed you deeper into me. Your breathing laboured. I watched your face contort as I had my way with you.
I leaned forward and whispered in your ear.
"You are mine"
A New Dream
I've been holding on to this fear and the denial of it for too long. It is about time that I let it go and that I no longer hold it so close to my heart. It may be impossible, but if it is I will not let it hold me back from a different future. I shall let it fuel me, if this goal is the one I will not meet in my life I will choose another. I will not be consumed by the darkness that the fear of failure brings down on me. As they say when one door closes another opens. I am not there yet, but if it comes down to it I think I have learned how I will let it go. I know it will not be easy for me, but I know it is possible. To let it go and move on to a future different from what I pictured before. Something different for me to find fulfillment from. A new dream.
The beeping from the equipment rang in his ears as he looked at her frail body in the hospital bed. The bed that had become hers with how much time she had had to spend in it over the last few months.
He thought back to that night in the pouring rain when she had come pounding at his door. As he pulled it open she didn't hesitate as she wrapped her arms around him, cold, wet and shaking she held on to him for dear life. "I'm never letting you go again" she whispered in his ear.
He hadn't seen her in months, she had broke it off after three years of bliss to follow her dream. She didn't want it to be hard on him with the distance if she left. She didn't want him to follow her and side track his dreams and aspirations for her, in case it wasn't going to last. Even though he knew all he really wanted was her. He hadn't heard a word from her since she left for Scotland. Now eight months later she was back at his door wishing she had never broke them apart. She now knew that he was all she wanted.
She had tried to have a fling. Met a nice strong man in Edinburgh who could have been the one, but she had already found her match in her home town. Over the winter break when she had returned to Canada to visit her family she had fought the urge to contact him, she couldn't break his heart again, or torture her own fragile one. So she had left it alone. Now she had thought about it for the last few months and she knew what she had to do. She needed him in her life, her best friend. She missed him with all her soul.
As she held on to him, and he held her back she knew that she had made the right decision. Pulling back and looking into his eyes, he smiled down at her "I knew you would be back, but still I'm not letting you do that to me again." He looked her dead in the eye and said "I love you" and she pulled him in for a kiss, finally in his embrace, he felt her relax as he grinned at her and said "Lets get you dried off my darling" and she nodded lightly and followed him inside.
Sitting in that hospital room five years later he was so glad that she had come back to him. He didn't know he could miss a person as much as he had for those torturous eight months that she was absent from his life. Now he hadn't heard her voice in three months as she lay still in the bed, the ventilator making her chest rise and fall. He held their child in his arms. His eyes the colour of his loves, he ran his fingers down his nose as he slept peacefully in his arms.
It was a rough birth, too many complications from the time the contractions had started, the pain on her face, as it tore through her. She had been so weak in the car on the way to the hospital, he had had to carry her through the doors, screaming for help. During the delivery she had hemorrhaged and they had to open her up to stop the bleeding. She should have recovered by now, but the trauma may have been too much for her. She just needed time the doctors said. He had spent the last three months in this hospital, by her side watching for any movement, monitoring. Today there was some, her eyes opened.
Panic wide across her face as she reached for the tube in her mouth, but she couldn't move them, her hands anchored to the bed, her eyes scared he rushed to her side and the panic drained because he was there. He stroked her dirty hair holding their son against him she looked at the swaddled baby and tears welled in her eyes running down her face. His heart tight in his chest, he thought, she woke up, I'm not alone again, she came back.
--------------------------------------------Fifty Years Later--------------------------------------------
"So much time has passed" she whispered. Sitting on the porch swing, their grandchild playing in the grass, making vrooming noises with her truck.
His hands traced her face, running his worn fingers down the sides of her wrinkled face and around her ears. As she opened her eyes she leaned her face into his left hand as her green eyes looked into his gold speckled hazel ones and he ran his fingers through her hair catching in the tangled bits. The setting sun bright behind him she ran her hands along his shoulders and arms his skin soft and thin beneath her touch. They pulled each other in closing the short distance between them. "I never let you go" she whispered. "I'm so glad you never did" He responded as she rested her head against his shoulder and he felt her embrace as her arms circled him.
There's nothing better than the sound of the ice cracking as you pour the warm whiskey over it. The water condensing on the cool glass.
Reaching for the glass, the condensation cool against my skin. I bring the glass up to my nose as I swirl the thick whiskey, watching the sugary syrup mix with the melting ice. I take a deep breath and the sweet cinnamon relaxes my neck. As I take a seat on the leather recliner, leaning back. The music low, the fire crackling. I take a sip and let the sweet cinnamon whiskey warm my throat, the slow burn as I close my eyes and let the tension go.
Letting the stress of the day leave me.
There's nothing better than a cold glass of whiskey after a long hard day.
She was beautiful but nobody saw her through the shroud of darkness that surrounded her on the outskirts of the woods. No one ever saw her true beauty as she hid it beneath her hood, always in the shadows afraid of the world that surrounded her and the pain that it might inflict on her if she were to expose her true self to the beings of this world.
She was lost in her own mind as she walked through the brush, crouching down and checking her trap hidden out of the way, nothing. She left it and followed the trail she had left back the way she had came. Her feet nimble, quiet, she hunched over and looked at the other trap she had set the evening prior and found a dead rabbit, releasing it she headed back home with her meal for the night.
She started to build her fire, quick and efficient. It was roaring not too long later as she skinned her meal, and set the meat to the fire.
Things were better alone she thought as she dug her teeth into the freshly cooked rabbit.
Just me and the woods, I don't need anyone. Its better this way. Alone. Just me, myself and I.