Coffee for Two
Typical. She sits there, arms crossed, brow furrowed, looking away, not speaking. Meanwhile, she's the one who called the meeting.
"Look if you're not going to speak, I will be moving on."
"You know what you did!"
"This is going nowhere. No one can read minds. I'm going to ask you for the last time to speak. If not, I'll be moving on. And no, tears are not going to manipulate me into feeling sorry for you. I'm waiting. Nothing to say?"
"I had a dream."
Really, she's mad at me over a dream. How are her insecurities my fault? I should walk away.
"You were with another woman!"
"Don't you hear yourself? You're mad at me over something that you dreamed. Something not real. When have I ever given you reason to doubt me? This is about you. You've been together with so many that have done you wrong that you expect it now. How is that fair to me? If you're not even going to try with this relationship, then why are we even together?"
Angels and Devils
The angels are too pure
enough to blind you.
Devils are too dark
enough to kill you.
They both live out of reach.
Angels in the clouds
enough to bless you.
Devils in fires,
enough to burn you.
Angels sing so sweetly,
enough to defen you.
Devils screaming below,
enough to break you.
Angels are innocent,
enough to redeem you.
Devils are clever,
enough to defile you.
Angels and devils are closer than you think.
Across the confines of my mind
I saw you.
Across the scar infested memories
I saw you.
Across the ocean of tears
you saw me.
We walked with each other
and shared all our secrets.
We promised the silliest of things
like protecting each other.
You told me you'd be by my side until I died
and I promised it too.
Across the wicked mind of mine
I conjured you.
Across the depression and anxiety
I loved you.
Across my illusions
I lost you.
I tried to find you, across my mind.
And when I looked again, you were gone.
Don’t Get Attached
Don’t get attached.
I tell myself that every time,
But my negligence of that rule always comes back to bite me
No matter how hard I try.
So far in life,
I have noticed that I am:
Too (not) caught up with social trends
It never used to be a problem
But seventh grade hit me like a ton of bricks
And suddenly I’m realizing
That problems I used to be able to ignore
Are now mountains I have to climb
To keep friends that I used to trust.
In the beginning,
I am always able to relax
Think about how nice it is to have new friends
To enjoy what is never meant to last.
But things always catch up with me
“Escaping” from who I used to be
Trying to reinvent a new, “popular” somewhat-likeable me
Doesn’t work as well as I always hope.
I cling to what I think I have
Yet when it comes down to it
The people I rely on
will slip through my fingers like grains of sand.
Ultimatums are my enemy
Because when you tell my “friends” to choose
I know they would never choose me.
I go to such lengths
To keep friends
Lengths I shouldn’t be going to
But I can’t help myself.
I get attached
I realize that losing the fragile friendship I can barely maintain
Isn’t something I can bear to do
So I clutch at strings,
Desperately trying to pull them back to me
When everything just starts to slip further away.
I don’t know what I did
Or didn’t do
But nothing is enough.
In the end,
They see me as a fallback option
Their “plan b” when things go awry.
When their top choices are gone,
I am acceptable, in their eyes
Worth the extra effort.
I am the one putting in 110% to get noticed
While they toss in a measly 20%.
I have learned that I need to get better at following my golden rule
To get better at accepting that people will move on from me
As fast as they appeared
And that in the end,
They consider me a “friend”
When it’s convenient
I am just the background scenery
Tacked on to the edge of their life
Almost like an afterthought.
Squeezing into the sides of photos
Getting cropped out
because I’m not one of the people in it that matters
Constantly craning my neck to see what’s on their phone
Because I’m not the person they want to show anything to.
I will just disappear altogether
They will completely stop noticing
That I’m hovering behind them
Looking for a way in
When it sometimes feels like I need a way out.
When it comes down to it
I am not important to them
I do not matter to them
I am a simple object of convenience
And much as I want to run away
They seem like the only option I have
So the sooner I accept it and move on
The sooner I can enjoy the fleeting moments of friendship
They deign to give me
When it seems like a good idea.