one more smile by yebba
i love her voice so much
i feel she understands me so much, but really, her songs just exude extreme pain
i HAVE been living out of this suitcase too long
i have been in this mindset for so so so long
her songs evoke change and pain and self love
just extreme pain
that is all i feel
i am so tired of experiencing extreme pain
i am so tired of being tired
i am searching for healing
i am doing the healing, but i want a catalyst
i want the process sped up
i want to enter the world unphased by actions of the past
its not fair i want to be loved they way i deserve to be loved
stay a while
shes begging, so so relatable
stay a while
je te laisserai des mot by patrick watson
je ne comprende pas
i think, my french isn't good at all
feels like hope, feels like loss
feels like a struggle between father and daughter
or maybe thats just how i see the world
it means i will leave you notes
is that not what this is
is that not what every day is
every day i wake up and cannot get out of bed
every single day i am riddled with an overwhelming sense of loneliness
every single day i am washed over with extreme jealousy and rage
every single day i am robbed, and i mean robbed, of the relationship i deserve
my first heartbreak was my father
my last heartbreak will be him
i do not feel resolution
i feel anger
memoir #2 by maria pseftoga
do i like the cycle?
do i like feeling bad?
do i like being the victim?
do i like the excuse, the but-this?
do i like the attention?
where is the attention?
do i understand the gravity of solemn sadness?
do i understand the issues at hand?
the pressure? the disappointment? the relationship?
will i ever understand the relationship?
is it worth having?
where is the attention?
malcolm x poem
the warmonger, the cain to martin’s abel
the mixture of the religion of peace and the hatred of other
remember brother and sister, by any means necessary
the radical man, the better martin
the audacity to speak his mind
the face of problack, the face of anti them
does he make you angry? does he offend your senses?
the martyr of the black cats, the black berets
the influence of leftist black youth, the creator of change
the same story over and over, the marches for the same reason
the murder of the suspicious black man
the dismantling of the black cats by the white men in suits
the wails of mother losing another, the anger of brother
the jailing of father, the pregnancy of sister
the rage of us, the black power
circle of life
the lion king musical is such an amazing experience i hope to one day witness.
the movie itself is dear to my heart, because it captures the regality of the people back home, and how we value and measure life completely different from the europeans, the asians, the south americans, the north americans.
this song, circle of life, has some swahili lyrics, and as glad as i am to get african representation, i cannot wait for me.
this is on the same string as being obsessed with tiana from princess and the frog, because she is black, but she isn't african.
regardless, i love the lion king.
i know that it's all i've been posting about ever since i got back online, but i never thought it would be this hard. loving someone with that special love, the one you see in movies, between a lovely old couple.
i'm still young and everyone says i have plenty of time, and i believe them. i just don't like being alone in that sense. i focus on school a lot, and so does he. we aren't dating (cause our immigrant parents would decapitate us if they found out), but we are closer than friends.
it's nice when it's nice, and it's lonely when he wants to be alone. as an extrovert, my social battery rarely runs out, and his always does. sometimes it's his depression, and sometimes, he just wants to be alone. i don't experience either of those things, so it's really frustrating when i have to busy myself with other things instead of talk to him.
everyone tells me that im so smart, so mature, so tall, so pretty, such a leader. that i give them hope for the next generation. that i should enjoy my golden years, where i'm free and stressed out, i make all of my firsts, first love, first job, first apartment.
no one tells me that im going to be alone, for the most part, while all my of age-mates are sucked into their black holes of despair. that i am one of the few teenagers i know that aren't suicidal. that i don't have a mental illness, and that makes me stand out.
of course i have my bad days, but they never last long, unlike my classmates, and friends, and friends of friends. no one tells me that ill have to stare at my mom have much worse than bad days, have to stare at my love have much worse than bad days, and be able to do nothing.
as an empath, i feel such deep emotional pain when i know there is nothing i can do to release the mental burdens of those i love. it's all in their head, and no matter how many jokes i tell, and how crazy i act, i cannot make it go away.
the first time i realized that i am a minority in that sense was grade 10. as the youngest, most expect me to be the most immature, and im not (i hope so). however, i am the happiest, by far.
my golden years are good for me, and bad for everyone else im taking the trip with.