He abused me, he abused her. He abused us all with his words. You'd think that maybe, after he called me a burden with no real friends, after he said I ws seeking attention, after he told me to shut up and take it, she couldn't close her eyes. She couldn't. Right? You'd think she'd notice each time he cut me with his words that maybe something's wrong, but no. He's "not like that". She hears. But she doesn't ever look. She doesn't try to see. She says that I deserve it. She becomes more like him every day.

I would be

A wrathful god

If I could see the future.

Take away

The life and soul

Of those who refuse to change.

Those who hold

Their power dear.

Those who love to hate.

But those who make mistakes

And work to make it right

Are holy.

Those who make

The same "mistake"

And never try to change

Are damned.

I would be

A wrathful god

to keep all people

Safe.

I don't

Want a beard.

I want them to look

and see my true colors.

I want them to see me

As a man.

I want to buy groceries

and be greeted,

"hello, sir"

not

"good evening, ma'am".

I want

to be undeniably male.

If only I had

A discerning male feature.

Fuck.

I might need a beard.

1. the idea of a romance

2. the chance for closure

3. to support your friends who love you

4. to spite your enemies who hate you

5. to change the world

6. to change yourself

7. chocolate chip cookies

8. baby animals

9. to learn new things

10. to educate others

11. to prove them wrong

12. to learn from your mistakes

13. writing your first novel

14. watching the latest episode of your favorite show

15. discovering new shows

16. finding new interests

17. learning who you are

18. to become the best grandpa anyone has ever had

19. to gain more perspective

20. to save more lives

The playground at the park

I not what it once was

But I barely remember

Its past in all the buzz

I remember a tire swing

And I recall a yellow slide

I don't know whether

They tore it down

Before or after

My childhood died

I remember woodchipped ground

I remember playing alone

But I can't seem to remember

Any of my life at home

I remember I was bullied

But I don't remember how

I remember I forgot

So why does it matter now?

I remember being scared

Of stepping on the cracks

I'm still scared of in-betweens

Of all the memories I lack

The big tire swing

Where we used to fight for turns

Is gone without a trace

Like my memories that burned

it's a pastime

it's a hobby

it's a black cloud

in a dead body

it's hymn

it's a song of praise

it's black lungs

in a grey haze

it's a sameness

it's barely a high

it's feeling the way

i feel all the time

dumb, numb, and dizzy

barely alive

a ghost in a shell

a bee in a hive

Waking from a nightmare, I question tangibility.

Actions and their effects have tangible evidence

It happened

It happened

It happened

Words are intangible and their intent cannot be proven.

It happened

It happened

It happened

But not the way you said

Feelings are intangible. Fear guilt and shame swirling together, no matter how strong cannot be bottled and presented as truth.

It happened

It happened

It happened

But not the way you said

It's your own damn fault

"heavy machinery," i say

i don't know why i say it

but the phrase blurts from my lips

before it can run through my mind

or give me a heads up

for all the odd stares undoubtedly coming my way

words come and go

before i get the chance

to even think about thinking about them

and maybe that's why all i can say

is "heavy machinery"

because any intelligible phrases are lost

as i begin the long process

of thinking

about thinking

about thinking them

before i speak

but when i don't think

before thinking

about thinking

about thinking

about thinking

about saying something

i shout every little thing that comes to my mouth

and i'm told

"why don't you think

before you speak?"

because i get lost

and the only thing i recognize

is a flashing sign

that says "heavy machinery"