Written November 19, 2024

I've noticed I will never be good enough

Don't look good with my hair up?

Oh, okay, I'll always wear it down.

No style?

Oh, okay, I'll wear the same thing every day.

Fat?

I'll starve myself.

Talk too much?

I'll stop talking.

I bother you?

Okay, I'll stop talking to you and everyone else.

Scars?

Okay, I'll wear long sleeves, hoodies, and pants even when it's 100 degrees.

Annoying?

Okay. I'll turn off my phone.

I never feel like myself.

I'm never good enough.

Why can't I just like myself and be fine with it?

-A.E.T.

November 19, 2024

Mother...Not being more like you

Father...Disappointing you

Stepmother...Not accepting you

Sister...Never getting to know you

Brother...Taking forever to relate to you

Brother...Having to be with you every day

Sister...Making your day worse

Best friend...Not trying harder

Best friend...Everything I've done to you

Best friend...Making up excuses

Ex-Boyfriend...Not wanting to lose you

Ex-Best Friend...Hurting you

Ex-Girlfriend...Trying so hard and being too much

Ex-Talking stage...Not being enough

Best Friend...Hurting myself

Teachers...Not being smart enough

Me...Being me

World...Being here

-A.E.T.

Written November 19, 2024

I can be fun

I can be goofy

I can be funny

I can keep the party going

I can flirt

I can hype someone up

I can love you

I can stick up for you

I call that side 'Caffeine'

I can also be boring

I can be scared

I can be quiet

I can laugh until I cry

I can stay inside all day

I can be awkward

I can tell someone all their flaws and compare them to mine

I can be scared to love you

I can hurt for you

I call that side 'Anxiety'

There's no in-between

That's just me.

-A.E.T.

Written August 13, 2024

Do you think we could ever be us?

Do you think we could be together?

I want to be happy

I want you to be happy

But this love can't happen

We aren't a good pair

I want to be with you

But we can't.

I don't know if I love you

But I know I like you.

You're always there for me

And I'll always be there for you

You and I?

Maybe someday

-A.E.T.

Written August 13, 2024

The cold silver stings

My heart won't stop racing

Do I want this?

Should I want this?

I don't

It's quiet

I'm cold

I keep trying to ask him for help, but he doesn't respond

I trust him

More than anyone

But he doesn't respond

I'm not okay

But that's fine

It's painful

But it's fine

Everything's fine

-A.E.T.

Snow In Atlanta

January 10, 2025

The news said get ready

The news is frequently wrong

I finished work at 6am

The snow began falling

A one hour drive

A one hour race

The snow brought its reinforcements

I brought 200 horsepower

White and watery

Adhering to all surfaces

The 10 year old in me

Wanted to stop

And continue the battle

Hand-to-hand

The 60 year in me

Just wanted to get home

The snow back inertia

Laying down a blanket of silence

Desperate to use the word, "Enveloping"

In all future correspondences

However, I had determination

And four brand new tires

I had experience in combating

Serious exposure to Winter's dominance

On battlefields named Buffalo, Manitoba, and Huron

I may have softened since my first

Exposure to χιών chiōn in Metsovo,

But I am not giving dihydrous monoxide

(A frozen rose by any other name)

An opportunity to delay

Me from my appointed rounds

With a fresh cup of coffee that awaits.

So bring on the layers

Let the South experience a Northern summer

I pull into my driveway

Victorious

But still respectful

Knowing, today is just a battle

In a long war, not yet over.

Do you know me?

Do you hear me?

Do you notice me?

Do you think about me?

Do you talk about me?

Do you hear about me?

Do you want me?

Do you hate me?

Do you like me?

Do you know that I wish you'd stick around longer?

Do you ever take my last name and replace it with yours?

Do you think about a future we're never going to have together?

Do you look at me when we pass each other?

Do you feel that stop in your heart when I look away and wrap my arms around myself?

Do you wish I was someone else?

Do you wish I was different?

Do you want me to change?

Do you need me?

Do you think we could try again?

Do you?

-A.E.T

The definition of ghosting is:

"the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication."

I wish if someone ghosted me through text, they could ghost me in real life.

I actually thought for the first time in a long time, I could maybe be happy.

We were doing good. I think.

Then you just stopped sending me messages.

I'm used to it, though.

I see you every single day.

I'm waiting for the day you'll look my way.

Because, God, the time I saw you smile when you saw me, I thought my heart had exploded.

But now, I try to avoid looking at you.

Because I don't want to know if you're looking at me.

Because that's when the hope comes back.

I'll still wait every single day for your text.

I'll ignore everyone else.

If I'm not pretty enough, I'll starve myself to get skinny.

I'll wear makeup to cover up the things you don't like.

I can hold my tongue and give you space so you think I'm cool.

I can wear whatever you want.

If you don't like me, I'll change.

I've done it before.

I'll shape shift for you.

Just stop ghosting me.

Welcome to my life recently, everyone :p

-A.E.T.

1/2/2025

Someone Else Is With Your Boyfriend

Do you ever picture us?

Lips on lips

Tongue on neck

Hands on hips

I think about it all the time when we’re on my couch

He’s whispering things to me

I wonder, does he say it all to you?

Because I’ve making him laugh and I’m making him scratch

Red lines down my back

When he’s at home alone with you, does he do those things to you?

Yeah, I miss him when he’s gone

I play his favorite song

And he doesn’t have just one

You think you know him

But you don’t know shit

And if I’m honest

I like it hottest

His mind on my lips

And you don’t know it

’Cause someone else is with your boyfriend

We sneak around at night

And his hand is on my thigh

He’s not even my guy

But I’d love to call him mine.

He’s got ideas he wants to try

If it hurts then I don’t mind

’Cause he’s taking up my time

And, God, he isn’t mine.

(Guess I have to make him mine)

You think you know him

But you don’t know shit

And if I’m honest

I like it hottest

His mind on my lips

And you don’t know it

’Cause someone else is with your boyfriend.

You think you’re all he wants

You think you’re all he gets

You think you’re his future

His present

And his past

But deep down

And someday you’ll learn…

You don’t know him

Yeah, you don’t know shit

He’s not honest

He gets the hottest

With his mind on my lips.

And now you know it…

’Cause someone else is with your boyfriend

Yeah…And that someone is your best friend

-A.E.T.