i remember you telling me how broken you’d be if you ever lost me. you’d cry and tell me how you wouldn’t be able to live in a world without me. well, i hope you’re as wrecked as you said you would be. i hope you spend every waking moment of your life regretting ever letting me go. i hope guilt eats you up inside and you can’t even hear my name without dying a little inside. i hope every little thing you ever loved is ruined because they all remind you of me and how much you fucking hurt me. i hope you never forget that this was all your fault and you lose sleep over all the shit you put me through. i hope the memory of us taunts your every move and you never forgive yourself for what you did to me. i hope you never live your life the same ever again now that i’m gone.
stuck in every stage of grief but the last.
just some thoughts i had after losing a friend.
how did the same person who saved my life be the one to make me want to end it all?
you said you loved me. you said you would never hurt me. you lied to me.
i loved you. i loved you so much. i loved you too much.
i can’t tell if i miss you or the idea of you. all i know is that you’re not in my life anymore, and it hurts.
i know that this was for the best. i know that keeping you in my life wasn’t good for me. i know that i’ll be better off without you. i know all of those things. but i can’t help but wish that you were still here.
i don’t think you realize how much you’ve hurt me, and i don’t think you ever will, and that’s what hurts the most.
sometimes i wonder if you ever think about me. do you miss how we were? do you regret everything that you did? do you wish i was still in your life? do you even remember that i exist? no, no you don’t.
i hate how i let you control my life. i hate how i can’t talk to certain people because i know you’re friends with them. i hate how i’m scared to meet new people because i’m scared that they’ll treat me the way you treated me. i hate how i can’t go a single day without thinking about you. i hate how i’m the one who’s hurting because of shit that you did.
i love you and every version of you.
i wanted to die before you so that i would never have to live a second of my life without you. but now you’re no longer in my life, so do i still want to die before you, even though i’ve lived months of my life without you?
you always wanted the best for me, and i always believed that you were the best for me. now you want nothing to do with me. is it because you believed that you weren’t the best for me, or is it because you never really meant it when you said you wanted the best for me?
i’ve always wondered what it was like to be loved by you. then you loved me. but if it was love, why did it hurt so much?
i never thought there would be a time where you weren’t by my side. but i guess you got tired of being in the same spot for so long.
i hate you. i hate you so much. i never would’ve done the things you did to me. i never would’ve stopped caring about you. i never would’ve let you feel insignificant for even a second. i hate you. i hate you so much. i hate this. i hate that i don’t hate you at all.
i don’t know if i should let myself be hurt over you any longer or if i should finally move on. i don’t know if it will ever stop hurting, and i don’t know if i will ever fully move on.
i wish i could forgive myself for letting you go. but i know that if i hadn’t let you go, i would have still believed that your love for me was pure and true. in the future, i hope i will have forgiven myself for all the pain i made myself endure for someone who never truly loved me. but for now, in this moment, i wish i could forgive myself for letting you go.
i wanted to live for you. i loved you so much that i wanted to live for you. maybe that was my problem. i never truly lived for myself. now i don’t have you to live for anymore, and i don’t know how to live for myself.
i can’t truthfully say that i wish i never met you. although that pain you have caused me is unbearable, the time we had together was some of the best moments of my life. but now i can only look back at them and wonder what could’ve been. i wish things turned out different. i wish i could still go to you for comfort, or if i just wanted to talk to you. i wish i could look at you and be able to tell that you still care about me. i wish you didn’t change. i wish we didn’t change. i wish we were still friends. i can truthfully say all of those, but i can’t say that i wish i never met you.
i wish you knew.
i wish you knew how hard it is
to wake up every morning
and not think of you.
i wish you knew how hard it is
to think of you
and keep myself from crying.
i wish you knew how hard it is
to cry and cry and cry
knowing i won’t be able to ask you for comfort anymore.
i wish you knew how hard it is
to want your warm words to console me
only to be reminded that you no longer love me.
i wish you knew how hard it is
to want to love you
when you’ve hurt me this badly.
i wish you knew how hard it is
to have to heal from the pain you’ve caused me
and yet still worry about how you’re doing.
i wish you knew how hard it is
to stop myself from talking to you
because i miss you when i shouldn’t be.
i wish you knew how hard it is
to want you back in my life
when i lost myself from trying to keep you in my life.
i wish you knew how hard it is
to find peace with myself
when i lose sleep over you.
i wish you knew how hard it is
to have to go to bed
knowing that i’ll think of you when i wake up.
i don’t miss you, i miss the person i was before i let you treat me like shit.
I know I loved you once.
I know that once upon a time,
You meant everything to me,
And I was at peace.
I often think about you
And how we were.
‘Often’ meaning everyday
And against my own will.
If I could, I would
Erase you from my memory.
Not the good parts,
Just the parts where you hurt me.
Our memories haunt me,
But I don’t push them away.
I bask in the memories of us
And wish that I could go back.
I miss the way you called me every night.
I miss how you felt like home.
I miss being able to sit in silence with you.
I miss you.
I cared for you every single second
Of every single day.
I cared about you so much.
I cared about you too much.
I felt you slipping away,
I felt me losing you,
And I desperately tried to
Hold onto you.
I fought for you,
I fought for us.
But I was fighting a losing battle
Because you weren’t fighting.
I was the only one who cared.
I was the only one who was hurting.
I was the only one who was
Trying to keep us alive.
You didn’t care.
You weren’t hurting.
You were fine.
You knew I wasn’t ok,
And you blamed yourself
For my pain,
But I never did.
You continued to blame yourself,
Degrading yourself every chance you got.
But I never thought those things.
I never thought those things.
I told you what was wrong,
I told you I was hurting,
And you told me that
It was my fault.
Your words told me that you cared,
But your actions proved them wrong.
How can you claim to care about me,
Then leave me at my weakest points?
You said you cared,
You said you’d be there.
You never did.
You never were.
I knew I was losing you,
I knew that it was too late.
And yet I continued to fight for you,
And I lost myself in the process.
I gave you my all
And got nothing in return.
That’s when I realized,
I was hurting because of you.
You were right,
It was always your fault.
You were wrong.
It was never my fault.
So I let you go.
I didn’t want to,
But it wasn’t worth
All this agony.
It hurt for a long time.
It still does,
And it will continue to hurt.
You no longer hold a place in my heart.
You no longer bring me joy.
You no longer feel like home.
But I still care for you.
I hate you for what you did to me.
But I won’t stay hung up on it.
I’ll live my life without you,
And I’ll find peace again.
gender is stupid <3
i don’t want to be a different gender, but i also don’t want to continue being my current gender (more like the gender i was assigned, i’m still closeted). i want to be just...me, i guess. i don’t want to be a girl or a boy. just me. i want to be treated fairly regardless of my gender. i want to be able to live my life the way i want to regardless of my gender. i want to be given the same opportunities as everybody else regardless of my gender. but most of all, i want to be able love myself regardless of my gender.
i’m AFAB (assigned female at birth), and most people, or i guess, all people assume that i’m a girl, and i don’t blame then. i present feminine because masculine looks and outfits just don’t fit me. i’d love to present masculine, but it just doesn’t look good on me, so i just stick with presenting feminine. and because of that, it makes sense that i get called “lady”, “ma’am”, “miss”, and have people use she/her pronouns on me. but that doesn’t mean i’m ok with it. i’m non-binary and use they/them pronouns, so hearing things like that being used on me makes me dysphoric and overall, just awful.
i used to think that i wanted to be a boy then. if i didn’t want to be a girl, then a boy must be it. but after a lot of thinking and crying, i realized that i didn’t want to be a boy. i didn’t want to be either. i don’t want a gender. i wanted to be me, just a person. i guess that’s why the term non-binary just felt right. because it was me, it was who i am. me. i’m me, regardless of what my gender is or what i choose to identify as, and i want the world to be ok with that.
of course, the world won’t be. not the whole world, just some. people will tell me that my pronouns aren’t “gramatically correct” and that being non-binary isn’t a real thing. but there will also be people supporting me no matter what, validating me and making sure that i never feel ashamed of who i am, and i’m glad that there’s people in my life like that. i hope everybody gets the chance to meet people like that. those people care about and love me for who i am, regardless of my gender, and i hope to get to that point some day.
like the title says, gender is stupid. it’s a social construct that does more harm than good. i'm not sure if it even does any good. who cares if men want to wear dresses or paint their nails? doesn’t make them any less of a man. if women want to wear suits and look masculine and not dainty at all, let them be, they’re still women. at the end of the day, you have to ask yourself:
“are they hurting me, others, or theirselves?”
if the answer is no, then move on. it’s their life, let them live it. if the answer is yes, it’s probably not because of what they’re wearing. if it is, you’re either dramatic, or their beautiful and stunning looks are killing you /half-joking (this a dialogue tag for those who don’t know, usually looks like -> /hj).
that was a rant and a little off topic, but still needs to be said. stop dictating other people’s lives.
so i guess what i’m trying to say is, gender just doesn’t do it for me. i don’t want to be the gender i was assigned as, and i also don’t want to be a differnt gender. why should i have to be put into this little box and have it define me for the rest of my life? that's not who i am or who i want to be. i’m me, a person. not a girl or a boy, me. i’m me, and that’s good enough for me.
i can’t take back the tears i’ve cried, but i can at least cry happy about you now that you’re no longer in my life.
I used to have this friend that I honestly should’ve stopped being friends with a while ago. I’m gonna leave her unnamed since as much as I hate her, I don’t want to use her real name, so I’ll use C since that’s her first initial. C was...something, to say the least. I wanna give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she knows better now, but does she really? I don’t know, I haven’t talked to her in ages and I don’t want to. The pain she caused me is immeasurable, and it still haunts me to this day.
Honestly, she wasn’t that good of a friend, and a lot of times, the stuff she said to me hurt, but I had such a positive image of her and low one of myself that I brushed it off, saying that my feelings didn’t matter. She’d call me fat, ugly, and all kinds of things, and it still affects my self-image to this day. Whenever I talked about wanting to try out for basketball since I loved playing it, C would always tell me how “bad” I was and how I wouldn’t make the team. I never tried out because of that. Turns out she didn’t make the team when she tried out, so who’s really the “bad” one here?
I used to have a crush on this guy- back when I was still straight -and she’d always put me down for liking him, saying he was ugly and not all that. I would agree with her because I was so worried she was going to judge me. That wasn’t that bad, but one day, when I was out sick, she told him I liked him. She played it off as a joke, saying that it wasn’t a big deal. It might not have been to her, but it was to me. I was sitting in the car while my parents were working, close to tears. I trusted her, I really did. Guess I shouldn’t have.
Guess I didn’t learn from my mistakes because when I had my first girl crush, I told her. It was one of her best friends. The girl I liked was a good friend of mine as well, but I wasn’t as close to her as C was. I was on Facetime with her when I told her. I told her who I liked, and she laughed in my face. She laughed in my face. C then proceeded to tell me that she wouldn’t tell her, and again, I trusted her. God, I’m an idiot.
You probably think that she told her, and you’d be right, but something else happened before that, and it hurt me more than C telling the girl I liked her. A week passed after I told C I liked her, and she texted me, telling me to either stop liking her because she was uncomfortable with it, or lose her as a friend. She’s an awful person, but I still had a good image of her. I didn’t want to lose her. So I lied. I told her I would stop liking her so that we could stay friends. I cried myself to sleep that night.
As I said before, C told her. She told her the day I told her. And I didn’t find out til a month later from a friend. I was riding the bus home when he texted me. I was in shambles. I had to hold my tears in because I wasn’t home yet. The second I was, I ran to my room and cried. I felt like shit. That was the moment I finally realized how much I dreaded being her friend. That was the moment I realized that C wasn’t a good friend. That was the moment I realized that that image of her in my mind wasn’t real.
I tried to distance myself from her. I’m not a confrontational person, and I was afraid of her spilling all my secrets, so I never really did anything besides avoid her and not answer her texts. Didn’t work because she still talked to me, texted me, and called me. I hated every second of pretending that we were still friends. Honestly, I’m surprised that I didn’t realize what a shitty friend she was earlier. Not only did C do all of the things I mentioned above, she also talked shit about my friends, never cared about what I had to say, would talk shit about me behind my back and even let her friends talk shit about me right in front of me, told people my secrets and played it off as a “funny” joke- also right in front of me -, made me do things I was uncomfortable with (nothing sexual, just “favors” that were really just her begging me to do something for her even when I had repeatedly told her no because they made me uncomfortable), and she tried stealing from me too. But I guess none of that mattered because she was still a good person in my eyes.
C’s about a 5 minute drive from my house, and most of the places I go pass by her house. Every time I do, I always look away. It hurts. Sometimes my parents will bring it up, and I have to pretend that we’re still good friends. Like I said before, I wanna give her the benefit of the doubt and trust that she knows better now, but how am I supposed to trust her after all this? Honestly, if she came up to me today and apologized for everything she’s done to me, I don’t know if I could forgive her.
People always say that in order to move on, you have to forgive and forget. But what if I don’t want to? I don’t want to forgive her when she’s done nothing but give me immense trust issues and added onto my already poor self-esteem. I don’t want to forget in case I run into another “C” in my life. Hell, I can’t even move on, all the hurt she caused me still affects me dearly, and I don’t know how long it’ll take for me to move on. I want to someday, but when I do, I won’t be forgiving or forgetting her for all she’s done to me. I know that people learn and grow and it’s immature of me to hold a grudge, but I don’t care. She’s hurt me more than you could ever imagine. You don’t have to forgive and forget to move on. If you want to, be my guest. But I won’t be yours.
Fuck you for everything you’ve done to me. Don’t contact me or I’ll call my lawyer. Kidding, I don’t have a lawyer, but don’t talk to me or I might just beat a bitch up <3
Sincerely, someone you clearly never gave a fuck about.
if you kiss me, will it be just like i dreamed it? (it was even better than my dreams.)
altered title from - “betty” by Taylor Swift
“Hey!” a voice from beyond shouted. I know that voice! I turned to the direction of the voice, and my heart skipped a beat.
In a black off-the-shoulder top with slightly puffy sleeves that went to her elbow and a short, light pink skirt with a bow wrapped around your waist the same color as your skirt, she looked absolutely stunning, ethereal, even. A bracelet with many charms and a gold, layered necklace with stars went with her outfit perfectly as did her black converse and black chain purse. Cheeks colored red and hotter than the summer heat, I watched as she walked over with that lovely-as-ever smile of hers, waving enthusiastically at me. As flustered as I am, I managed to wave back with a feeble smile. Fuck, I’m so gay.
“Sorry,” she apologized, rubbing the back of her neck, “were you waiting long?”
“N-no, not at all!” I waved it off, my cheeks still warm.
“Your face is really red,” she commented, putting her hand on my forehead to check my temperature. “Are you feeling alright?”
Backing away immediately, I felt my cheeks get even hotter. “Y-yeah, I’m fine, it’s just…”
Staring at the ground, I rubbed my arm, peeking over at her and looking away almost immediately. “You...look...really...pretty…”
“O-oh…” Fuck, that’s not a good reaction, now is it? I took my eyes off the ground and onto her, afraid to see how she reacted.
Flustered and probably as red as me, she clutched the chain of her purse, staring at the ground. Huh, seems like it was a good reaction.
“Thanks,” she whispered out, meeting my gaze, causing her to look away and blush even more. “You look really pretty, too.”
“Thanks,” I replied, feeling less nervous than before.
Silence took over, and seeing as neither of us knew what to say next, I decided to change the topic, pointing to the entrance of the amusement park. “Why don’t we head on in? Summer isn’t very long, ya know.”
She nodded, her cheeks a light pink tint. “Ok!”
With a peppy smile as well as a pep in her step, she went ahead of me, practically oozing excitement. Calling her pretty was a huge understatement, she’s the personification of perfection.
“Two wristbands, please!” she chirped, holding up a ‘two’ with her fingers. The employee handed us our wristbands after she handed our money to them.
“Enjoy the park,” he said with a lifeless tone after putting on our bands for us. Jeez, he must be fun at parties. Then again, he’s working in this summer heat and getting paid minimum wage, so I guess I can’t blame him for being so...dead, for lack of a better word.
“Alright, let’s get going!” she cheered, grabbing my hand and dragging me around the fair. Cheeks painted crimson, I tried to ignore the fact that her hand was in mine, but it was practically impossible. It wasn’t the first time this has happened before, but that didn’t stop me from internally panicking every time. Her touch will always be my favorite, and call me selfish, but I want to be the only one who will ever feel it.
“Oh, let’s ride that!” she pointed at a roller coaster that ran through the park. Seeing all those loops already made me nauseous.
“Um…” I wanna say no since I know that I’m most definitely gonna puke if I go on it, but…
Beaming like a little kid seeing an ice cream truck, sparkles adorned those beautifully breathtaking eyes of hers as her dumb, little smile- that I really shouldn’t be finding this cute -gave me butterflies. God, why are you so damn adorable?!
“Fine,” I sighed out, feeling defeated. I can’t ever say no to her, now can I?
“Yay!” she shouted with joy, grabbing hold of my wrist and dragging me towards the line.
I’m probably gonna hate myself after this, but if that meant getting to see her smile for a while longer, then I’d happily pay the price every time.
God damnit, I feel like death. The second I stepped out of the ride, my legs turned into jelly as I felt my lunch coming back up. I rushed to a trash can as best as my wobbly legs could take me and vomited my PB & J sandwich up. Fuck, I really do hate myself for this.
“Oh my god, are you ok?!” she frantically asked, her hand rubbing my back in an attempt to soothe me. It didn’t really help since I still felt like shit, but I appreciate the sentiment.
“Y-yeah, I’m f-fine, t-thanks for asking,” I somehow managed to get out, still recovering from the post-throw up.
“Maybe we should do something else,” she suggested, handing me a napkin to wipe off the bits of vomit on my face, “ya know, until you’ve recovered from this ride.”
“I have to ride more?!” I exclaimed, feeling nauseous once more.
“Oh, do you not want to?” Her mood dropped, her lips curving into a frown. Fuck.
“Uh, n-no, t-that’s not what I meant, we can totally go on more later!”
“Are you sure?”
“Of course!” I’m lying through my fucking teeth right now because I’m an idiot in love.
“Ok!” Her mood was instantly lifted, her frown turning upside down. I blushed at her smile once more. Yeah, I’m an idiot in love; but if being in love with her meant being an idiot, then call me the stupidest person in the world, she’s worth it.
“Wanna play some games?” she asked, pointing at some stands, crowds covering what the games were even about.
“Sure,” I replied, feeling a lot better. “Ready to get your ass kicked?”
“As if I would ever lose to you,” she scoffed, crossing her arms with a cocky grin. “If anybody’s getting their ass kicked here, it’s you.”
“Oh, you’re on! Whoever gets ten wins wins?”
She nodded, still smirking as cocky as ever. “Loser buys lunch.”
We ran at full speed to the stands, stopping at a balloon-popping game. Giving the employee 6 bucks for 5 darts each, she went first.
“Don’t mess up! Not only will your money be on the line, your pride will be as well!” I taunted with a cheeky grin.
“Oh, shut up!” she yelled back before throwing her first dart, missing the balloon she was aiming for.
“Yes!” I shouted with triumph after seeing my taunting had worked.
“I still have four more darts, I can still beat you!” She pouted, stomping her foot like a little kid throwing a tantrum.
“Yeah, yeah, put your money where your mouth is.”
Her score was 3 out of 5, earning a small plush bear as a prize.
“Aw, this is so cute!” she gushed, giving it a light squeeze.
“We should probably get a locker for the things we might win,” I suggested, pointing in the direction of where the lockers were.
“Sure, we can get one after this.”
“Alright.” I picked up my darts and began to aim. “My turn now!”
Hitting all the balloons perfectly, I got a perfect score, 5 out of 5!
“Hah, in your face!” I stuck my tongue out immaturely, earning a huff from her and a large stuffed bunny as a prize.
“Whatever,” she grumbled. “Come on, let’s get a locker.”
“Alright.” I chuckled at how she changed the topic almost instantly to avoid embarrassment. It was kind of cute...Oh, who am I kidding, everything she does is cute.
Once we got our locker set up, we went back to our little competition.
“Ok, what’s next?” I asked, scanning the area for the next game.
“How about that one?” She proposed, pointing at one of those water gun games where you aim the little target to get your duck or boat or whatever to the top. I wonder what those are actually called…
“Sure.” I shrugged, not really caring what we were going to play next. I was gonna enjoy it anyway, especially since I’m with her.
We made our way to the stand and stood by for a couple minutes, patiently waiting for our turn. When it was finally our turn, we paid the amount needed and immediately got down to business.
“You’re going down this time,” she declared, determination coursing through her veins.
“Yeah, sure I will.” I snickered, waiting for the ‘GO’ signal.
The light flashed green, and the game was on. Shooting directly at the target, I switched between looking at my duck and the center, making sure that I was in the lead. But before I knew it, I heard a ding-ding-ding sound, insinuating that there was a winner; and that winner wasn’t me.
“I told you I was gonna win this time!” She stuck her tongue out at me this time, pulling her eyelid down for more of a teasing effect. If I wasn’t so hopelessly in love with her, I might’ve actually gotten upset.
Continuing our little game, we went from stand to stand to stand until one of us reigned victorious. We were at the last game, tied, neck to neck. Whoever won this one would be declared the victor, the winner, the person who doesn’t have to buy lunch. And seeing as my paycheck wasn’t coming anytime soon, I really didn’t want to pay.
The last game was basketball, and truth be told, I’m a little nervous. She’s a basketball prodigy, so she had a very high chance of winning. And seeing as she wasn’t even the slightest bit worried, it seemed like she knew that too.
As soon as we were given the ‘GO’ signal, we began shooting basketballs; or at least she was, I was just chucking them up in hopes that at least a few of them would make it in. After a minute had passed, I compared my score to hers, and holy shit, I was losing miserably. There was only 30 seconds left on the clock, I’m never gonna be able to catch up to her!
The timer went off, and just like I had predicted, she won, and I had lost.
“Woohoo!” she cheered, jumping up in the air. “I won! In your face!”
I sighed. “Congrats, I guess…” My wallet is gonna fucking kill me.
“How’s it feel to be a loser?” she taunted and teased from all angles. “Guess I was right, your ass is the only one being kicked today! And who was it kicked by?”
With both hands on her hip, she gave me a cocky stare, expecting me to answer her question that had only one obvious answer.
“You…” I grumbled, crossing my arms with a frown.
“That’s right! I won, and you lost!” she gloated with a fist pump and toothy grin.
Despite losing, I didn’t feel upset, not in the slightest. In fact, I felt like I was the one who won. Seeing her so happy brought a slight tingle to my chest as well as a cotton-candy-pink hue to my cheeks. Looking away from her little celebration, I covered the red of my cheeks with my hand, my heart racing and cheeks warming. I glanced back at her, her smile rivaling the sun and laugh sounding like music to my ears- call me cliche, but it was the truth. I want nothing more in life than to be able to hold her in my arms and call her mine. The idea of waking up next to her each and every morning and watching the slight rise and fall of her chest brings a smile to my face, and I pray every night that it comes true. Running my hands through that silky, smooth bronze hair of hers, feeling her lips slot into mine perfectly like a missing piece of a puzzle and having every corner of my house littered with the scent of her replays in my mind every night before I go to bed, hoping that when I wake up, it becomes my reality.
“Hello? You there?” Snapping back into reality, I found her standing right in front of me, waving her hand in my face.
“O-oh, sorry,” I apologized, taken aback by how close she was.
“It’s fine, you were kinda just spacing out with a lovesick look.”
“O-oh, really?” I’m not actually that obvious, right?
“Whoever you’re thinking about must be pretty darn amazing for you to not hear me shouting your name multiple times.” For a split second, I could’ve sworn I saw her lips curl into a slight frown…
“Yeah...they are.” I smiled softly to myself as an image of her popped up in my mind.
“They must be a real lucky guy to have someone like you falling head over heels in love with him,” she joked with a cheeky grin. I can’t place my finger on it, but something about her smile seemed...sad.
“Uh, it’s not a guy,” I corrected, rubbing the back of my neck. “It’s...actually a girl.”
“O-oh, is that so?”
“Yeah…” Maybe I’m just imagining it, but she seemed happy when she heard me say that it wasn’t a boy…
“Anyway, let’s go get lunch!”
“Alright. Any specific kind of food you want?” I asked, holding my wallet up. “It’s my treat after all.”
She giggled at the little reminder, then hummed, followed by a shrug. “Not really, I’m kinda just in the mood for any food. Besides, it’s amusement park food, I doubt there’s going to be anything besides hot dogs and hamburgers.”
“Eh, true. Then let’s get going,” I said, heading towards where the food stands were bunched together with her trailing behind me.
“So…” She looked at me with a pleading glint in her eyes.
I arched my brow. “So?”
“Who’s the lucky gal?” she asked, anticipation lacing her words. “Do I know them? Does she know me?”
“Not saying,” I mumbled, my cheeks turning scarlet. There’s no fucking way I’m telling her. Sorry, but if she ever found out I had a crush on her...God, I’d fucking die.
“Can you at least tell me what she’s like?” she pleaded with adorable puppy-dog eyes and a pout. “Pwease?”
As much as I hate that baby-like voice, she looked too cute for me to say no.
“Fine,” I sighed out, rolling my eyes. “She’s...she’s really pretty, smart too. She’s got these beautiful ocean-blue eyes that I could just drown in. Her laugh is pretty amazing too. She’s got this adorable snort that I could honestly could listen to all day long.” I paused, wondering what else I could say. “I love everything about her. I love how she can’t seem to spell ‘restaurant’ for the life of her and only eats the cream in Oreos, I love the way she dances and sings poorly to her favorite songs and always writes the letter ‘i’ with a smiley face for a dot, I love when she involuntarily scrunches her nose when she sees a spider and sends me random texts with pictures of how she’s feeling and what she’s doing at the time...just, everything.”
She probably knew I was talking about her, but I didn’t really care that much. I don’t want to hide these feelings forever, and I was gonna tell her eventually anyway.
“Well,” she began, rubbing the side of her arm, “she sounds amazing.”
“She is.” How did she not realize that it’s her?
“I hope you two end up together!” she rooted, wishing the best of luck to me.
“Yeah, me too…” There it was again, that feeling that her words and smile weren’t what she was actually thinking. Maybe it’s not all in my head…?
“Anyway, uh, since we’re here, why don’t we look around and see what we should get?” she proposed with a feeble smile.
“Uh, yeah, sure,” I answered. Is she alright? I can’t help but feel like there’s something off with her…
“Oh my god, look at those bears!” She pointed, twinkling at the large stuffed bears. Maybe I’m just overthinking it…
Once lunch was over, we went on with our day, playing more games and going on some rides- I didn’t puke this time, thank fucking god -and before we knew it, the day was over. It was around 6 pm, and nightfall was coming.
“That was fun!” she exclaimed with delight, a yawn following her words.
“Yeah, it was,” I agreed, yawning after her. “We’re still leaving behind those prizes we won though, right?”
“Yeah, we are,” she confirmed as she tucked a stray hair behind her ear. “Since neither of us drove here, it’d be kinda awkward to have to carry them.”
“That’s true. It was fun getting all those prizes though.”
“Yeah, it was. We should do it again sometime!” she propounded, already pumped for the next time we’d go out even though I hadn’t agreed to it yet; well, lucky for her, I was already going to.
“Sure,” I said with a giggle, the corners of my lips forming a small smile.
“Oh, there’s this ice cream place nearby, you wanna get some?” she asked, cocking her head to the direction of the ice cream parlor.
I really don’t understand how she still has this much energy left. But even though I was completely fucking drained, I nodded, not wanting to end this little ‘date’. Heh, I wish it were one.
“Yay!” She beamed with her hands in the air. “Ah, we can go right after I go to the bathroom, alright?”
I nodded, and we walked back in. The line to the bathroom seemed pretty long, so it seems like I’ll be waiting here for a while…Hm?
On my right was another game stand, but it wasn’t the game that caught my eye, it was one of the prizes. One of them was a little light-pink bunny with red eyes and wings, a magenta nose in the shape of a circle, fangs, and a black bow tied around its neck. A vampire-bunny...wow, that’s...kind of a weird stuffed animal to have as a prize...She might like it though...
“Sorry for the wait!” she apologized as she ran towards me. “The line was really long, like really– huh?”
Something distracted her from finishing her sentence, and I’m guessing that ‘something’ is this hideous doll in my arms.
“What...is that?” she asked while pointing at this monstrosity.
I took a deep breath. I can do this. I handed the vampire-bunny to her, rubbing my nape as my cheeks turned warm with a crimson hue.
“It’s...it’s for you,” I mumbled, glancing at her for only a second before looking away, my face turning three shades redder.
“F-for me?” she echoed with disbelief, a finger pointing at herself to make sure she heard me right.
“Y-yeah,” I confirmed, sneaking another peek. “I thought you might like it since you really like collecting weird and ugly things that most people wouldn’t like. Like those sunglasses you got a few weeks ago, they looked awful, and that was the reason you got them. So I thought that you might like this because of that…”
She didn’t reply. I finally mustered up the courage to look at her, only to find her too stunned to speak. Fuck, does she not like it?
“It’s fine if you don’t like it, I can just give it back or something,” I rambled, probably sounding like a complete idiot. “I can probably just give it away or something, it’s totally fine–”
“I love it!” She was bubbling joy as she gave the vampire-bunny a tight squeeze, holding it close to her chest. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”
My heart began to race once more, and I couldn’t help but feel all giddy inside. I made her this happy, I was the one who got her to smile so widely, it was me. “I’m glad you like it.”
“I love it so, so, so much!” She gave it another squeeze and lifted it up in the air like a dad with his kid, admiring the stuffed bunny.
I softly giggled at how much she resembled a little kid on Christmas Day getting exactly what they wished for from Santa. She’s happy, and it’s because of me.
“I’m glad you love it,” I corrected myself from before with a chuckle.
“I do, I love it a lot, especially since you were the one who gave me it!”
Huh? She...she likes– no, loves it that much because I was the one who gave it to her? I watched as she realized what she had just said, heat rising to her cheeks, a deep red painting her face.
“U-uh, that’s, that’s not what I meant– I mean, it is, but, uh..” She was a fumbling mess, and just like everything she does, I found it adorable.
“Oh, uh, why don’t we go and get some ice cream now?” She added an awkward chuckle and grabbed my hand, dragging me to where the ice cream parlor was. I giggled at how flustered she was but decided to leave it at that. I watched as she clutched onto the vampire-bunny tightly to her chest. Was she only doing that because she loved it that much or because I was the one who gave it to her? Maybe it’s both; she loves it that much because I gave it to her.
After a short walk, we arrived at the ice cream shop, a few people in line. While we stood in line, we checked out the menu.
“I think I’m just gonna get a chocolate,” I decided. “What about you?”
“I’m gonna get the cotton-candy, it looks really good.”
Once we ordered and paid, we decided to head to a nearby park to enjoy our delicious delights. We talked and we laughed, our laughs filling the empty park air.
“That’s what I’m saying!” She broke out in a fit of laughter before taking a lick of her pink and blue ice cream. “I mean, how stupid do you– oh, you’ve got some ice cream on your face.”
I wiped the left side of my mouth, assuming that was where it was. “Did I get it?”
“Uh, well, some of it.”
I wiped the other side of my mouth. “How about now?”
“No, there’s still some left,” she replied, shaking her head and grabbing a napkin. “Here, let me do it.”
She leaned in close to me, our faces inches apart as she wiped away the ice cream on my face. I watched as she inched closer to me, ridding my face of the sticky, sweet dessert. God, she’s...really close...Lips slightly parted, her oh-so-kissable lips were tinted light red and smelled like strawberries. I wonder if they taste like them too…
“There, done!” she declared, throwing the napkin away at the trash can beside her. “I don’t know how you managed to eat so messily– Mmp!”
I placed my lips onto hers, my ice cream forgotten after finding myself a new, sweet treat to indulge myself in. A thin layer of cotton-candy with a hint of strawberry coated her lips, but that wasn’t what made her so delicious-tasting. I liked it because it was her, I liked it...because I love her.
I broke away from the kiss, panting heavily with lust-laced eyes and slight swollen lips. She was just the same, out of breath and staring up at me with a lustful look, almost begging me for more– Ah. I just realized...I kissed her.
“I’m sorry!” I blurted out, backing away immediately. “I didn’t mean to– I mean, I did, sort of, but I didn’t ask you for permission, which was wrong of me, I’m sorry, I’m really, really sorry– Mmp!”
Feeling her lips on mine once more, her tongue gently nudged my lips, and I knew what she was asking for, so I complied. God, it was even better than the last kiss.
Tongues tangoing and hands wandering, my hands snaked around her waist as I hoisted her up onto my lap while her arms wrapped around my neck without the kiss being interrupted. Eager and enthusiastic, her hands ran through my hair as her tongue explored my mouth, sending a jolt of pleasure down my spine.
Out of breath once more, the kiss ended, my forehead pressed against hers as I gazed into her hungry eyes, desire glazed over her eyes.
“I like you,” I breathed out, still staring into her eyes. “Actually, scratch that, I love you.”
She chuckled softly and pressed a quick peck on my forehead. “I love you too.”
Moving my head away, I couldn’t believe that she felt the same. “Wait, really?”
“Yes?” she answered, confused by my reaction. “I just made out with you, what makes you think I don’t?”
“I don’t know, why didn’t you realize I was talking about you when you asked me to describe my crush?”
“Because I didn’t think that someone like you could ever like someone like me!” she explained, still situated on my lap.
“Exactly– Wait, what?” I was confused again. “What do you mean ‘someone like you’?”
“Well, I don’t know, you’re just really cute and amazing, and I didn’t think that someone as perfect as you could fall for someone like me!”
“But you’re the really cute and amazing and perfect one, not me!”
“Are you kidding me, you’re literally a fucking angel!” she rebutted, crossing her arms.
“Says you, have you seen yourself?! Not only do you have the looks of a fucking goddess, you’re the most incredible person I’ve ever met!” I crossed my arms as well, offended that she could ever think that she was anything less than perfect.
“Wait, really?” Instead of sending another rebuttal my way, she was taken aback, her cheeks outlined red. “Do you really mean all that?”
“Yeah…” I blushed along with her, embarrassed by my sudden confession. “I meant every word I said.”
“O-oh…” Cheeks turning even redder than before, her eyes averted my gaze, gnawing at her lower lip. “I’m glad...”
I giggled softly at how flustered she was. Tucking her hair behind her ear, I pressed a chaste kiss on her cheek.
“I love you,” I repeated, planting another quick kiss on her lips.
“I love you too,” she whispered, still a bit flustered from before.
“Um, will you,” I began, rubbing my nape, “will you be my girlfriend?”
With a warm smile, her lips found their place on mine once more. “I’d love to.”
“Good,” I said with a chuckle.
A blanket of silence covered us, but neither of us minded. It was comfortable. It was kind of like we were silently telling each other how much we loved each other. Maybe I’m reading into it too much and she might actually just don’t know what to say, but one thing I’m sure of is that when I go to bed tonight, I no longer have to wish for those scenes that replay in my mind to become my reality; it’ll already be my reality.