The Only Time I Cried
Seems forever ago.
Being a boy at ten,
never knowing what death was,
I found out inside a church on a Sunday.
Grandfather lay in quiet repose,
dressed special, like I never saw him before.
Thinking him asleep,
I grabbed his hand saying, “Wake up grandpa.”
He wouldn’t stir.
I thought he was angry with me.
Running from the church,
tears like a thunderous rain poured from me.
He was my favorite friend, bestest buddy;
he told me jokes, made me laugh.
Grandfather was special.
Grandfather was gone.
I found out he wasn’t angry.
I found out he went to heaven.
I smiled a little.
But that also made me cry even more.
No man ever has affected me so.
Sept. 1, 1890 - June 22, 1957
A Man of Many Seasons
(He was in my life for ten of them.)
People Don’t Change
I thought I would know by now that no matter how many chances you give someone, they won’t change. I thought I would have learned by now that it doesn’t matter what they say. They can pretend that they are different, but it will never last. People are who they are. No amount of time or forgiveness will change that. They will always go back to their old ways. The first time could be an accident, but if they hurt you twice, it’s who they are and always will be no matter how badly you want to believe otherwise.
I dip my finger in it and wipe it on my girlfriend’s freckled nose.
“Aah! What is this!?”
She wipes it off with her sleeve like a cat grooming himself.
When she sees it on her arm her eyes bulge.
“No.” She says.
“Yes.” I confirm.
Now her blooming face shares my ecstasy.
“I did it, Babe! It’s the first entirely new color ever invented!”
“BABE!” She wails, jumping on me like a baby monkey on its mamma. “YOU’RE GOING TO BE FAMOUS!”
“You know what I named it? I named it Bertha.”
She looks at me the happiest I’ve ever seen her in the 14 years we’ve been together.
It’s likely I’m going to be famous as the first scientist to ever create a completely new color. It’s likely I’ll be in history books. But I understand more than ever before that it won’t matter when I have this silly lady along for the whole ride.
“You named it after me?”
the note (part 1)
I lean down and pick up the crumpled note.I look around if somebody might have just dropped it but there is no one here. I throw a quick glance again, filling a bit guilty and
I unfold the little piece of paper.
I promise I will come back
for you Mark
I freeze for a moment, a bit dazed. I look around again as If there were hidden cameras somewhere and this was some kind of a joke. I look at the note, shaking my head and taking a deep breath. This was my name...and the love of my life...Samantha...I close my eyes and try to calm myself. Just a coincidence, nothing more. I lift my hand and without thinking I put it to my nose, inhaling deeply... daisies and roses.She smelled like that.Exactly like that.I open my eyes again. This couldn't be true.I look at the gentle handwriting and the small letters.Not possible.
I haven't seen her for years...because she disappeared, just like that.Without any warning, no signs. She was gone.All of her family, friends and the police looking and searching for her, for months.Without any result. It's been 5 years and no one has seen or heard anything about her. Her loved ones still believing that she would come back.There was no body...so there was no death.That's how they saw it. That's what I hoped for but pretended that I didn't. It was easier. Denial was easier.It made the breathing thing more bearable. It made it possible to survive without her in my world.
I stand there in the middle of the sidewalk,not moving, or blinking. Standing there like a statue. Lifeless...and then my hand loosens up, my fingers losing tension.
The little note falling to the ground. I stare at it without thinking, the wind gently moving it and lifting it in the air. The note making little circles, as if it was dancing, toying with me. Mocking...and disappearing behind the corner of the building.
A shiver runs down my spine and I shake out of my dead state.I start to walk, catching speed with every second, breaking into a run. My legs caring me faster than ever before. I almost lose my breath running, but I don't care. I have to catch it.Now.I reach the side of the building and notice the little piece of paper, swirling on the sidewalk, like it was already tired and needed to take a rest. I run to it in just a couple of swift strides and quickly pick it up before it can fall into the drain.I grab it and unfold it.
"...I will come back for you..."
I swallow hard and my eyes start to sting. My heartbeat starting to rise. This couldn't be true. She was gone. This note could have been for anyone...and it could be from some named Simone, Sara or something ridiculous and cute like Sally.I smell it again and there it was. Her smell.That could only belong to her. No one else.
I guess you found my note?
My whole body stiffens when hearing that voice.The voice that I thought I would never hear again. I close my eyes, considering insanity and other unwanted possibilities. Confused at what really going on around here. If it was a dream, or was it a nightmare that was about to crash me?
That's not... - I start uncertain and here a long sigh filled with pain.
I know, baby...but it is.Even in this crazy world that we live in, miracles still happen.
I don't say anything, let alone manage to think straight.I was going mad and need help from a professional and quick...and then I hear her voice again, like soft velvet against my ears.Gentle and apologetic.
I'm sorry that the note got so late to you. I wrote it years ago...But something failed and they couldn't send it then.It took so long before it broke through the wall...
I finally look up at the source of the sound, too tired to fight with the basic instincts that told me I needed to see her...even if she was just an illusion, a figment of my imagination.Even if everything was happening only in my head and I was going to wake up in some kind of asylum tomorrow.I had to see her, just once...The images of her blurred by the years gone and the passage of time...my heart starts to pound faster as I look at her beautiful face. My eyes grow wider with every second trying to take in the bigger picture. her long brown curls cascading down her beck,resting on her slender shoulders...she looks thinner then I remember, her face more tired, dark circles under her eyes. And yet she never looked more breathtaking.
How is this even...? - I start to ask, once again lost for words.
It's complicated Mark, I wouldn't know where to start...At times I don't even believe it myself.
You can't be real...you're gone...the police...
I know, but I'm here now...and you have no idea what it took me to get back to you.
Where were you all this time? - I ask, for the first time toying with the idea that this could be true and yet not let myself truly believe it.
You probably have someone else in your life now... - her voice cracks at the last word and yet she still manages to smile at me - but I just wanted to say that I'm back...
I stare at her,disbelieve that this was the thing that she was worried about,I move swiftly to her without even thinking and wrap my arms around her tiny body and inhale deeply, deciding I will never let go of her again. She leans in and starts to sob.
I can tell that she has been through a lot. I lean down and kiss her lips. Feeling the happiness sipping through my body and for the first time in five years, I feel like I can breathe again.
Things That Just Don’t Have a Home
Just the Eternity of a Moment
a Moment In Time
a Moment That Has Made you Blind
That Life Is One Big Lie
A Long Good Bye
to Every Thing you Once Held Dear
That Made you Smile
Made you Tear
a Faded Snap Shot In a Tattered Book
Over & Over you Look
In her favor, I let the walls burn down. I knew her own concern better than I knew my own freedom. The part of her that stung to touch. The part of her that never stopped smiling. The part of her that kept me coming back. That kept me calling out her name. No matter how deep, or dark the water got. Because I could see it every time I glanced in her direction. She was sad, and at times she was scared. But never once did I see her shake. Never once did she shudder, or try to cover her eyes. No. Instead, her eyes burned brighter with every tear, and every turn.
Society wants you to be someone you are not. Society wants you to look perfect and never let a hair fall out of place. Society wants you to never make a single mistake because that would show that you are human too. Society twists and turns little things into big things as they tell a tale of lies. Society doesn't want the real you, they want the you that they can control. Soceity simply wants yet another puppet for them to play with.
The things that are truly good and pure in this world, society shuns. Because those things are the opposition to them. And if you follow your heart and what it right then you will be shunned too. Society leads people to believe that they are the good and the true good is actually bad. And so far it is working. Soceity has turned people against each other. Because if they are fighting each other then they won't fight society.
I am tired of the labels that society puts on us. We are NOT losers, geeks, nerds, emos, loners, etc. You are you and who cares if that doesn't fit with how society wants you to be. And the only way that any change will ever happen is if we stand against the societal norms and be true to ourselves. That is how we will be able to defeat society. By being ourselves.