used to dream about waking up my sleeping heart

it woke up with a roar

it rained and poured for a year that turned and twisted

lives packed into one

and with a slow aching dramatic spiral

it went into its cave

now i stand at the gate

waiting for it to move

to make a sound, to look towards the light

i reach towards it and it cocoons further

so i sit at the gate

and wait

I didn’t know how to get to the other side

Now I don’t know where to go from here

Undeserving of an ordinary life

Roads going into the wood leading nowhere

Is there an escape from this?

Or am I doomed to forever wander these roads

Of memories

Of the could haves and should haves

The path paved with stones of melancholy

How do I escape from this?

Running hard with the invisible hands pulling me back

Into the grey clouds

Of loneliness, regret and nightmares

Close my eyes tightly

Only to wake up to the echoes

Of my own head

it used to scare me

getting older

i felt i was running behind catching up

surely i should have done more by now

seen more by now

felt more by now

but

to be still running

to be still hoping and dreaming

is a privilege

i can play the catch up game all life

we all are

just keep me running

just keep mine running

I like the moments just before you fall

When you’re at the precipice of something

When it’s too soon for you to be thinking of the future, the why’s and the how’s

When uncertainties don’t matter

All that matters is the anticipation

Promising a warm future

When your lungs feel full of breath

When you allow yourself to imagine what it could be like and soak in the possibilities

Without the shackles of life

Allow yourself to be caught up in the presence of them

Allow yourself to be reckless with your heart

Playing the strings to release some of that breath in your lungs

And fall asleep with a smile on your face

No expectations

But just a promise that you can feel in your being

That you’ll be okay

If you’re still capable of feeling this way

Then maybe you’re not broken after all

You’ll be okay.

And all feels well.

Jealousy has wrapped me in it's tempting arms.

Everywhere I look around, each scroll on the screen of my phone

takes me to a place in my head where everyone is better than me

It's like I'm in a room full of people,

impossibly alone

Standing still,

lost in the fuzz of people moving briskly ahead in their brilliant directions

I wish...

I wish.

All my thoughts puckering into existence

make a beseeching appeal to the universe to make it all better

I look for the yellow road with my name on it only finding a thousand paths

swirling into one another

until I can't make one out from the other.

'Me. me! Pick me!'

'.. but what about me?'

The yearning to be someone turns

into a haunting realisation of mediocrity

The weight of being no-one in the midst

of the glory of others pulling me down

further and further

Until I cocoon into myself

crippled with fear,

dark clouds hovering over my head

Afraid of finding out what the future holds

Still

in the chaos of the universe.

Today, I typed my name on a blank screen hoping to find myself.

Instead, I found two wavy red lines appear below the words. And that seemed to be the perfect metaphor. 

Something erroneous, something wrong.

Add to dictionary or auto-correct

Or 

delete it all?

Sometimes I have ugly days. Not my face. Me. My thoughts. My heart.

I have days when cracking even a single smile seems like too much effort. When the world seems too bleak, people too selfish and the blue of the sky only appears to be a

never-ending grey. Days when i can't get myself to care. When no candle, no fire, not even the vastness of the sun seems enough to illuminate the darkness that settles inside of me. When i just lie, floating away with the waves, ready for the big wave to come and take me away, if it must.

When every word that I have to force out of my mouth seems to drain me off all the energy, how am I ever going to be able to muster up the words to explain to you why my eyes look void of light, my steps limp, and my love invisible.

Please give me a day.

Tomorrow i'll be back to the chirping and the jumping, but today,

I need the silence

Today, I must rest. 

I know you from your words

Not your hands

Recognize you and the matters of your heart

From the punctuation marks 

And not the cadence in your voice 

So when my mind decides 

To conjure up a memory of you

It's your name that I see flash 

In the window of my mind

And not your face

"this conversation is encrypted on both ends"

It's wrapped in a special place in my heart

Cushioned by hopes and dreams and

Almost(s) that threaten to prick it sometimes

A beginning and an end entwined together

Intangible, for no one else to see

Fragile in its nature 

That could never survive outside

Of the refuge of my mind.  

Sometimes I just feel like telling him,

'I like you.'

Because there's a shy, small part of me that believes that that could be a beginning to something wonderful.

But a bigger, louder part of me recognises it for the tremendous mistake that it would be.

So I press backspace. 

And      

   do 

      nothing.