at the base, or the heart.
So many times i could look up at the sky
And ask why.
Why why why.
This is one of those times i look down and cry.
Nothing is fair, nothing is how it seems
I’m crying for myself, having to witness your pain
Is that as vain as it sounds? Or am i just mean?
The selfish bitch in me knows you can do better.
I’m here and I’m your helper.
Your servant. Let me show you how to love-
No not in the bedroom, though that needs cleaning up.
Love yourself first by putting yourself in the environment you deserve.
You got this girl.
did ya think i’d forget?
they think I’m as selfish as it gets
and i haven’t done anything for myself yet.
i'm not afraid of you, i'm terrified.
just. keep yourself occupied.
ill hide - count to thirty-five.
I’m getting started cutting ties with the
things that were keeping me down.
It’s a surprise
all the lies and snakes I’ve found.
I've grown wise.
I’m sorry if it hurts you but that’s
not my interest.
I just don’t know how much longer
we all can do this.
playing pretend is exhausting for me.
dust is seeping from the sides of the rug.
running away is exhausting for you.
your body has had enough.
deep dark despair
A golden gown flowing from a throne
Lay lifeless in the lair.
Something deep down inside
Pushing up, out of my skin
A whale trying to breach.
No puncture made, no pain received.
Just the knowledge that it’s trapped.
(Am i the leak?)
No ones ever come back,
So they tell me.
And i wonder why, what’s so great on the other side?
That’s kept them away so long.
Here’s a letter to you, my friend.
You’ve been gone for a while.
(And now I’ll be cheesy, and talk about how the morning sun reminds me of your smile)
I never did you justice. Your lips were so so soft, and electric, it was scary.
I was just trying to celebrate New Year’s Eve.
And you left to get back to chemo,
Not with a kiss on the cheek,
You were always so bold, where i was meek.
We were so young then.
It’s the first day of my life, i thought,
As i unpacked bags for my first week of college.
Not a minute later, your death was brought to my knowledge.
“He died today, I’m so sorry” she said.
The first day of my life, and now you are dead.
You were so young then.
I never gave you a chance and slept on you, away from the pain of what i knew would come.
Your body tiny. Bones. Smile growing smaller, but never less bold.
I know. I know. I’m wallowing over something i never got to hold.
I’ll love you forever.
ya gotta believe me, i wish you were there...
On a dock at sunset,
wondering how it’s so consistent.
If i was like that
would my name still fit?
In the water at midnight.
Darkness, darkness; im alright.
Feeling fine alone,
still bright out when the light is gone.
Phear of the dark,
raptured by a shadow
fear of myself
becoming someone i know-
I was fine before you met me
Now I’m forever changed.
It’d be swell for you to forget me
I know you’ll never change
I know you’ll never change.
no wonder the lullabies prepare us to crash down
Imagination helps struggling through this hell
If you could be anyone else
I’d appreciate that.
Why would you stick around for this?
I can’t tell you how you make me feel
Brushing off my opinions
they’re not real they’re not real...
I love to sit out in the storm
Watch the lightning burn
And the thunder roar
I love to feel the rain on my face
I can’t tell you how you make me feel
But if you’d listen I’d say
You make me feel like i could be afraid of storms.
I’m so violently alone.
I have no one who understands or makes me feel whole.
What do i have that can even help me out?
I want to die, i think. I don’t want to have existed at all.
I want my memory to be something other than what it will be.
And what is the process of changing it? (Men in Black lasers (tm) would help.)
Everyone should forget about me. I wish.
Everyone will forget about me.
... I fear it.
Every cell feels the empty
ness of passing time.
Each second reverberates like a train.
We smile on the gravel on the side of the tracks.
I’m so violently alone. I’m not sure where to go.
I’m not even sure if i can say these things or
if my true self is so suppressed she’s limited to only typing. Typing to some distant stranger who will glance over my words out of respect for the lost soul that wrote
them. But still won’t understand. Yet will feel my same pain. I’m so violently alone.
It’s human nature. We all play this game, just given different tools and fields and rules.
But the game doesn’t change.
I’m done playing games. I’m so violently alone. I just wish you’d understand.
in the background, a banjo ~~
When the sun goes down on my side of town
I’ll be ready for you
They only see what you want them to see
Do you believe it too?
Does your shadow ruin the illusion?
Such a fun place to hide
Did you think you’d get off easy?
They’ve been watching you the whole time
Every thing you’ve ever
Every little lie
Even the time you
contradicted yourself about
thought you were completely alone -
A cold wind blows
i think i know who it’s blowin to
I might really do it this time.
Why should i see another sun?
what is wrong with me that no one wants to be around me?
why am i even here.
and even when people like me
i spend too much time trying to figure out why.
i Just hate how slowly the moments drip by.
like molasses in Alaska.
even if the plan is “dystopian nightmare”
or “utopian daydream”
I’m losing the sense that any of it is worthwhile.
the socks are stuffed.
I’ve had enough.
just like that time we road tripped
and the dogs slept so peacefully in the backseat
you were so tired yet you got us home safely;
time to lay down to sleep in the passenger side once more.
Take me home.