My hands are shaking, my face is turning bright red

My body temperature feels as if it rose by 5 degrees

I’m talking fast but I’m struggling to form my thoughts into coherent sentences

There’s a lump in my throat and I’m struggling to keep my eyes from filling with tears

My heart is beating faster and faster

Time is slowing down

My stomach is in knots

I’m biting the inside of my cheek

I need to get out

I need to escape

I want to feel independent

I want to stop relying on you

But the only way I can do that is to be without you

I can’t determine which would be worse

Letting you go,

Or forever depending on you?

I depend on you when I feel anxious

I rely on you when I feel stressed

And if it weren’t you, I’d rely on a bottle of vodka

I’m dependent, always dependent on something or someone

I’m so dependent on you that I don’t crave the taste of alcohol on my lips anymore

I can’t tell which would be better,

Always having you by my side,

Or being able to depend on the one person I’ve never been able to depend on?

Myself.

I'm a walking form of anxiety

Walking with fear in my eyes

And uncertainty in my face

Hyperventilating

I can't be here, I can't be here

I need to get out

Fear in my heart

Fear seeping into my lungs

I can't breathe

Fear controlling my brain

Anxiety consuming my entire being

Fear tying knots in my stomach

Anxiety forever holding me back

I’m not good for you

I’ll forever disappoint you

The secrets keep piling up

And what’s stopping them from coming out?

I can’t bare to see the disappointment on your face

I can’t bare to see the pain in your eyes

I can’t bare to see your eyes look into mine

No longer with the light and love they usually do

But with disgust

With disappointment

I’ve already lost faith in myself

I can’t bare the thought of you losing faith in me too

I’ll forever love you

But I’ll never be what you deserve

And what you deserve

Is much more than me

Much more than a reminder of your alcoholic mother

A reminder of the nights when you became the parent

You deserve more

And I can’t stand the idea of you realizing that

Because I can’t stand the idea of losing you

I can’t stand the idea of disappointing the one person

Who I said I’d never disappoint

I'll always get lost in your brown eyes

in your charming smile

in your gaze

But I'm as blue as my eyes

And my smile only reaches my eyes when I'm in your presence

you deserve better

and I've come to realize I'll always want you more than you'll ever want me

I want to see your smile as the sun comes up

I want to kiss your lips as the sun goes down

I want to hold your hand through the storm

the storm raging on, I want to envelop my arms around you

you want me at 2am when the world is sleeping

you want to kiss my lips as you put your hand up my shirt

once the storm hits, you'll want me no longer

and I'll hold out my hand to where yours once was until the storm has passed

you'll want me again at 2am

and I'll always come running

because I'll always want you more

I no longer feel so sad 

I no longer feel as if I'm drowning in self loathe 

I miss the sadness

I have moments of happiness and I feel on top of the world 

But of course they're always short-lived 

Most of the time I'm just numb

I miss the comfort of feeling sad 

I'd much rather feel sad than feel nothing at all. 

One day I'll look you in the eyes

and tell you to get out of my life

One day I'll tell you

how much it hurts that you abandoned us

One day I'll tell you

how much rage it filled me with

But for now I'll have uncomfortable occasional dinners with you

You're already on your third drink when we arrive

When you order another, of course I'm not surprised

One day I'll tell you

I don't want to meet you anymore

I'll tell you that you set up a path of disaster

You never knew how to be a father, you still don't

But for now I'll give you empty smiles and thank you as you use your money to attempt to gain my affection

I'll stand there as my stomach turns while you put your lips on my cheek

One day I'll tell you

I never wanted the money

I only wanted my dad

I wanted him to learn how to be my dad

But for now I'll sit back as you ask about my life

Asking things a dad should know

You just hand me more money as if that will rid you of your guilt

How could you be the first person to hurt your little girl?

That shouldn't have been you.

green leaves on that old oak tree

green eyes staring into my soul 

clear dew drops forming on the greenest of grass 

clear tears forming in the greenest of eyes 

brown leaves crumpling under muddy shoes 

brown hair blowing ever so slightly in the wind 

red roses wilting as the air starts to freeze 

red cheeks emphasized by the chill of winter 

blue skies as the new day begins 

blue skin as your life ends 

green eyes opening for the first time as life begins again