once upon a tear,
another Tear fell, and another.
and another.
and… another.
and another.
the Brain then asks, ‘how much longer?’
and the Heart replies, ‘you have the answer.’
we run along down the path of life Ruminating over whichever is in control of us, as a people and as one, asking ourselves, is it the Heart or is it the Brain?
during which we cry, laugh, fall, rise, live, and die. we Ruminate, over and over again. and in that lost battle, we neglect the crying, the laughing, the falling, the rising, the living, and the dying.
do we ever ask ourselves about those fleeting Moments? not with the why, rather with the when again? and if so, who would we be then? who are we now?
so what exactly is it that is blocking us from reaching a more fulfilling End?
is it the Heart or the Brain?
perhaps either and both, and perhaps either and both are our one and true Liberators.
so my friend, what controls you?
My Two Unknowns
for a time too long now;
i have awaited death,
like leaves on a tree
awaiting their fall
to the ground
i would shut my eyes
in the night
anticipating it,
taunting it,
fearing it,
regretting ever awaiting it,
knowing the so little
that i have given
for a time too long now;
i have abhorred my mind
like a virus abhorring
the very thing
keeping it alive
while also killing it
battles between us
stretch like rubber
snapping back to hurt,
kill,
and liven
i would shut my eyes
in the night
anticipating it,
taunting it,
fearing it,
regretting ever abhorring it
knowing the so much
that it has given
for a time too long now;
i have struggled with my two unknowns
relentless,
awaiting,
forgiving,
yet so, so very
maddening
my undertaking at this thing they call life
• • •
all these years, the reason why I wrote was so that other people would see what I wrote. so that people would see me and maybe slowly learn to understand me.
all these years, I have been lying to myself. multiple of times on multiple occasions. I have been miserable. do you know what the problem was though?
throughout the times when I had been listening insistently to that ugly noise coming right from inside of me, I had lost my light. I had lost parts of me that I had held up so high. I had stopped being myself.
or maybe I had changed. perhaps the me that I am now is not supposed to be the me that I used to be.
it just doesn't feel good.
for some odd reason, I no longer wrote the way I used to. nothing inspired me anymore. and I know I shouldn't put it in on life as an excuse for that ridiculous change. I did this to myself. yes. I did this.
doubt had risen to the surface one day and stayed stuck there as if it was being glued on over and over again.
I don't know what to do anymore.
for the longest time now, I have wanted to reach out and spill it all out onto that icy floor I have been so terrified to step on. not going to say I didn't try. because I did.
it just wasn't enough. not for someone like me.
but this time around, I. Have. Had. Enough.
I want to try again.
For myself this time.
Yeah, and perhaps that's a big fat lie that I am telling myself. however, not for long, because I am going to try and try again, always.
yes.
Conversation No. 2
On another Earth
"You know what people—sorry, I meant researchers—are saying nowadays?"
What?
That voice again. It has been ringing in my ear non-stop. I am about to lose my mind.
"Anyway, what I was saying was: you know how there's, like, seven skies and seven wonders of the world and all that stuff?"
He's not gonna answer. You aren't even making eye contact, for God's sake. Hahaha.
"So, apparently, theoretically, there are seven Earths, too! And guess what, of each creature walking all of these Earths there may be six other clones. Exact name, face, beliefs, etc. First time—"
You are boooooring. Of course he's gonna leave. What were you even thinking about telling him about that stuff?
"Hey, where are you going?!"
And he is gone. Just talk to me. I am far more interesting.
In a soft whisper, I speak to the distance.
"Who are you?!!"
You know, that little theory you were so excited about has been hypothesized eons ago.
"What? How? It just aired a couple of days ago. Where? When?—"
Well, why of course, on the first Earth that I come from. The other you. The OG, baby.
“B-But—I don’t believe you! I can’t even see you, for God’s sake. For all I know you’re some voice I have fabricated in this stupid head of mine. So...just go away.”
A boisterous laugh echoes around the circumference of my head and I swear I could have gone unconscious for a second.
It sounds just like mine. My laugh.
“Darling, darling. You believe me. Yeah, you do, judging by the look on your face, I am 100% sure.”
The shock on my face must’ve been stuck there ever since that voice declared that she is me. Which is absolutely ridiculous. That can’t be—
“Anyway, beautiful. Without beating ’round the bush, lemme just spit straight out.”
For some reason, I remain silent.
Actually, the reason may be that everyone around has been staring at me like I’ve grown another head.
I may have. Seeing that other voice is just like mine and—
The sound of fingers snapping breaks the trance of my thoughts, successfully bringing me back to reality.
“Hey! Hey! Hey! You with me? You ready for what I’m ’bout to say?”
I don’t even talk like that. Yet for the sake of getting rid of that voice, I opt for humming under my breath.
“Do. Not. Do. It.”
“What? Don’t do what?”
“Those thoughts that are swirling ’round in that pretty head of yours. You know it very well. Just don’t do it.”
And it was the gone. The voice was gone.
That Damned Flame
• • •
A long, long time ago, there used to be this girl.
Frail. Chipped. Melancholic.
She was a lot of the negative things in this world. Everywhere she went, her eyes would locate the evil surrounding her and her hands would reach out, grab that evil, and tightly glue her to it.
Years went by. And she remained unchanged.
She was like a moth to a flame. Deeply enchanted by what burned her. Some sort of an unfathomable spell was cast on her.
For the longest time, that girl watched herself from the inside. She was trapped. Then slowly, deep within that hollow prison, the oxygen no longer resided in her lungs, pulling her away from whatever kept her alive.
That’s when she realized: She needed to wake up.
She did.
But... it was too late, for the wounds her clumsy hands tried to hide had already turned into gory, ugly scars.
And as more and more years went by, as she grew up, those scars hung onto her, unwavering, taunting, and merciless.
If she had only reached out. To something other than that damned flame.
• • •
Who am I to Me?
sometimes
i feel so malleable
that the sliver of a touch
twirls me into a boneless ball
sometimes
i feel so transparent
that the shortest glimpse
makes me crumble
like an autumn leaf
crunching under the bulky
shoes on huge feet
sometimes
i feel breathless, soulless
as if i am no longer
me
and yet,
a smile lingers on my lips
like an unwelcome guest
with the mere want to please
Are You Living or Are You Existing?
A great someone once said,
"No one else is dealing with your demons,"
But for way too long I've lived in my head
And now I'm drained and weakened
When my surroundings crowded
I wanted to be alone
And when my pained eyes clouded
I prayed to be thrown
Away with the frosty air
They said, "forget," in a smug tone
Tell me: How? And why do you care?
A great someone once said,
"No one else is dealing with your demons,"
Thus, I'll be running away, no regrets
No existing, no forgetting, and no emotions
WAIWIA?
i think i am too much
too much for me
too much for everyone
too much for no one
right at that vacant corner
of my dark, soulless room
i lay, head up
at a sky
filled with millions
of promises
my eyes welled up
fear swallowing them
whole
terrified of what passed
and of what is to come
clueless, too
for the longest time,
i longed for being held
but now even
the frailest of arms
will break me
a million reasons why
i am too much