The pastel colored walls seemed mocking to me, such bright happy colors in such a dark dismal place. I was led past a couple putrid paisley colored rooms and dropped off in a light yellow one with daisies all over the walls. The chairs were bright green and plastic, like those in a kindergarten classroom. I sat down and stared at the floor because the fluorescent lights were burning my eyeballs. I tried to remember why I was here, why I came. But I couldn't remember anything, all I knew was I was waiting for something. Something big. It all made me want to puke. I suddenly regretted my big breakfast this morning as the nerves fluttered through me. Wave after wave of pure panic crashed into me and I had to remind myself to breath. In and out, in and out. There was a clock directly in front of me in the waiting room. It ticked down the seconds unnecessarily loud, so along with my shaky breathing there was a TIK TIK TIK pounding in my head. Making the wait even more excruciating. There was a screen in the corner of the room and I craned my head to look at it, using my hand to shield my eyes like a visor from the glaring lights. On the screen was an image of me, when I was a young girl playing tag with my friends. The screen flashed and another image appeared, this time of me as a young teen eating icecream at a mall with my parents. More and more images flashed by faster and faster, moving so fast my brain spun. I got older and older until it suddenly stopped, on a picture of me today. I was walking my dog Chloe and I looked scared. A car was coming at me, fast. I didn't remember this part, I just remembered taking my dog out. My brain had a pounding headache as I tried to recall what happened earlier that day but before I could figure it out a video began to play. There was no sound, but my head provided the sounds for me. I watched in absolute horror as the car made no attempt to stop. I opened my mouth to scream and Chloe took off pulling me down. Right in front of the car. Only then did the driver notice me but it was too late. Too late. I tried to force my eyes away but all I could do was look at my broken body laying on the ground. The video stopped and I tore my eyes away, I was shaking now crying uncontrollably. A man came into the room, wearing a maroon sweater and jeans. He looked nice, he smiled sweetly and came over to hug me. I embraced him as he smoothed out my hair and told me that it was okay.
"What happened?" I gulped out sounding like a fish gasping for air.
The man let go and cocked his head at me. He gestured toward the screen, "Isn't it obvious my dear? You died." He smiled and suddenly it didn't seem so friendly it seemed almost sinister as the walls around him lost their bright color and faded to black. Or maybe that was my vision fading. The last thing I remember was him saying, "Welcome to Purgatory."
I’m not okay
I sit in class gripping the edges of my desk. I’m okay I think, even though my racing heart is telling me otherwise. I try to focus but I can’t stop thinking about her hurt face. I can feel the terrible monster creeping up. Almost like it knows I’m in pain, almost like it enjoys it. She stands across from me tears streaking down her face, I wince as she says “why” a whisper that feels like a slap in my face.
The monster laughs and I can see the darkness it brings clouding my thoughts, “You’re the reason she’s in pain,” it says. My stomach clenches and the guilt rolls over me, slowly at first. I shake my head no but my attention lands once again on her. Someone I love, in pain because of me. I tried to explain it to her but she just kept moving away from me saying she didn’t understand. My head spins as I remember her looking at me, scared.
“But your so happy, how could you be depressed?” She had asked as I stood before her helpless. The monster beside me grows until I can feel it’s cold presence behind me, it feels scary, sad, and comfortable. It would be so easy to fall into its arms, at least then her face would go away.
It speaks right by my ear, “Tell her you’re just being dramatic. That you are fine.” Before I can open my mouth to tell her my friend smiles wanly at me, I remember how her smile didn’t reach her eyes.
“You’ll be fine though, right? Everything will be okay.” My friend disappears and I’m stuck all alone with the darkness.
“Nothing will be okay,” it says. All I can hear is her voice, the tears that fell slowly as she closed the door of her house. Shutting me out. It’s not the same anymore, the way she looks at me. She is worried about me, but she shouldn’t have to be.
“This is all your fault, if you weren’t so broken she would be okay. You hurt her because you’re selfish. Stupid and selfish.” The monster’s voice is louder now, echoing in my head as I clap my hands over my ears.
“no...no...go away...leave me alone.” My voice gets louder and louder until I’m yelling trying to drown out it’s voice. My own voice, because suddenly I can’t tell the difference anymoer all I hear is selfish ringing in my head and the tears streaming down my face as the monster envelopes me in darkness and everything around me disappears as I fall down the pit of black. The pain in my gut is unbearable as it spreads throughout my whole body, it hurts so much as wave after wave of guilt, fear, despair, and regret threatens to tear me apart. I want it to go away. I would do anything if it would just. go. away. The words start up again but it’s me saying them because I’m a monster, I hurt everyone because I’m too weak to handle it, because I’m so so selfish. Now she’s hurting and it’s all my fault. I’m nothing, I’m worthless, a failure, ugly, fat, a mistake, disgusting, no one loves me, no one cares about me. My hands are shaking as my head swims. I feel the pain breaking me apart and hear the monster roar in pleasure, I open my mouth to scream, to yell at everything. But no sound comes out. I want to get up, to run, to hide, but I can’t move. So I stay where I am, sobbing. My thoughts spiraling, trapped and drowning held in a cage of my own thoughts. Then something shakes me back and forth. A voice breaking through the dark pulling me out of my cage.
“Hey! Are you okay?” My teacher stands wide-eyed. A worried expression on his face. I look around, my mind still spinning. No one is in the classroom anymore and I can hear noise out in the hallway. Shaking my head as my feelings settle into the normal emptiness I’m used to I stand up. Brushing past my teacher with my stuff I head to the door.
Looking back I say, “I’m fine.” A smile plastered on my splotchy tear stained face. I wanted to yell, to scream, to say “I’m not okay please help me. I don’t know what’s happening!” Inside I am crying, broken, hurting so much that I’m slowly falling apart. But I just say “I’m fine.”
And everyone believes me.
I think I'm bisexual. I've always been able to imagine myself dating a girl, but I've never had a crush on a girl. It's always been boys, which is why I was doubtful about my sexuality. I'm also decently young and don't have much dating experience so I didn't want to make any rash decisions. But a couple months ago I had a crush on one of my friends. She is straight and now I don't have those feelings anymore but it was enough to convince myself that I was indeed bi. Now I plan on telling my parents, they are super supportive so I'm not that worried. I just hope that I'll be accepted for who I am.
My secret is that I struggle with self deprecation. I tend to convince myself that I deserve all the bad crud in my life and more. It's the reason I'm still with a friend who doesn't care about me, and the reason I started skipping meals, the reason I didn't say anything about my depression for the longest time. I'm working on it though, I've been to therapy and I'm eating normally again. All thanks to my best friend who I only just got close to this last year, she's probably saved my life. I'm still working on becoming a better person but I know that as long as I am aware of my flaws I can keep improving my strengths.
I tend to draw inspiration from challenges in my life or things I have seen. This tends to make my posts either sad or bittersweet. One of my most recent posts fell into the bittersweet category. It was a poem that reflected the internal struggle I went through when I was suffering badly from depression. I wrote about one side thinking the worst of everything, believing that their life is worthless. The other is desperately trying to think of anything to say to convince them that they have a lot to live for. It reminds me of the many nights I spent crying alone, trying to stay positive while I was falling apart. Finally the first side says that they should rest and be freed, talking about disappearing from the world forever because it would be easier. While the other side says, we already are freed. Saying that disappearing isn't the way because we already have everything we could ever need. The good side finally wins, just like the good in me convinced me to talk about what was going on and seek help. I'm proud of the poem and the challenges it represents.
Aura is a projection of ones soul, a bright outline around a person. It was said that Aura could tell what a person's personality was just by the color. Red for outgoing, outspoken people and blue for strong leaders. For a while it was just a myth, until people began to see it. Certain people could not only see the Aura of others but could also manipulate it. Use it to control other's emotions and thoughts, creating a new race of humans. A very dangerous one. Shunned from humanity they were kicked out but now they want revenge.
Survivor: a person who survives, especially a person remaining alive after an event in which others have died.
There are many types of survivors, each extremely strong and incredible in their own ways. There are those who have survived wars, holocaust survivors, veterans, brave people who risked their lives for ours. There are those who have survived sicknesses, cancer, diseases, illnesses that weren't strong enough to overtake these inspiring people. There are so many more examples that I could name but the word survivor means something else to me. I fit in a different category of survivor; I survived depression. I'm a survivor who turned my whole life around when everything else in the world was telling me to just give up. So many other people have done the same. And that to me, is the most beautiful thing in the world. So many stories, so many lives, so much hope, fits into this one single word. I'm so proud that I'm a survivor and whatever you may be facing, I know you can survive it too.
I wish someone could tell me to let go. Sit me down and say, "It is not your job to put every persons burden on your shoulders. Relax, enjoy being a kid. Stop trying to make everyone happy, because you are forgetting about your own happiness. It's okay to focus on yourself, that doesn't make you self-centered. Most importantly, stop forgiving people who don't deserve it. You are too trusting and you let so many people who have hurt you back into your life, and then you act hurt all over again when they betray you. Not every person deserves a second chance, and that's okay." I think that would make a world of difference in my life. But I can't rely on someone else to tell me that, I have to change these things on my own. And that's exactly what I'm trying to do.