bff

i feel like i could watch us back like a tape

uncertainty turned to friendship to an unbreakable bond back to strangers

and this time of year i begin to miss you again

there are so many this is adressed to

so many this applies to

one after another

each a former holder of the title

my favorite person

i begin unsure

a stranger

friend of a friend

a little wary

but we become friends

one became like my sister

her house became a second home

i could tell her anything

i would kill for her

she had her flaws

but i could look around them

it ended in a big betrayal

disgust

a few years of learning to live without each other

learning to find others to lean on

someone who wouldn't embarrass me to make herself look better

someone who wasn't so desperate to get away

someone who could look me in the eye when she called me her best friend

she said i was her favorite person first

but even though i never said it

im the only one who actually meant it

and she left my life

i wave when i see her

we went for boba once

but we'll never be what we were

and it still hurts years later

one allowed me to become his confidant, his advisor

we laughed a lot

i would help him with his crazy schemes for popularity

i never realized that it meant casting me aside

i don't think he ever achieved it though

he kept wanting to date different girls

use them

it weirded me out

but i knew they would never like him

so i never said anything

usually im the talker

and whoever else would be my advisor

tell me i was being stupid

but he was the loud one of the two of us

we got asked if we were dating a lot

but i never saw him romantically

just as a soul

someone i loved being around

we would call every night

until it was my turn to ask him for advice

he interrupted

i lied

begged others to cover for me

and we were never the same

i texted a couple times

but never the same

i hope he's doing well

his birthday just passed

one became someone to lean on

he was the one i wanted to run to

one to tell every detail about myself

but he would never remember any of it

he never cared about me as much as i did him

i was the talker

he was boring

obnoxious

lame

insecure and arrogant

immature

but i liked talking to him

and he would listen

and we were more than friends

but less than anything more

to be honest i thought he was attractive at first

that weird painful stage

when you can't stop talking to someone

and then they're gone

when they say absolutely disgusting things

you can live through it

he made me feel small and stupid

i can't live with that

when they slowly disappear from your life

it hurts so much more

i had a special ringtone for just him

it has since been retired

hes just a guy who knows so much more about me than he should

i hope he finds growth

i hope he learns and betters himself

i remember each and every one of you

every moment

remembering that you were my favorite person

the reason i got out of bed in the morning

i hope i was yours

i wish you all well

its not like we grew apart

it always ends in explosion

anger

betrayal

stangers

you left barbs in my heart and soul

my ability to let people in

my trust

my belief in humanity

and theres a hole shaped like each of you in my head

and no matter how much i try to fill it

it wont go away

i learned from each of you

from the first:

how to talk

how letting go was okay

how to be loyal

how to have fun

from the second:

how to live

how to tolerate

how to move on

how to be brave

from the third:

how to have will

how to know when to stop

how to not morph into something i despise

i appreciate you all

i would be lying if i said i hate you

i guess we just aren't the same people as when i knew you

now you are all just someone i used to know

someone who i let in once

someone who lost the keys

i genuinely loved you once

but now you are

the same as a stranger

but yet so much more