We are all affected by death. I have lost friends, people I cared for, and my brother–a loss that we both felt deeply. I lost you too, Mom, multiple times. Some mistakes were mine; others, yours. For a while now, I have been terrified that our estrangement was a mistake. That when you died, it would break me.

These things are meant for the living, not the dead, and I suspect that most people will think I am a monster for speaking out here… but I am part of the living.

I won’t go into detail about what she did and didn’t do for us as a parent. I won’t pretend that I am not angry, either. Relationships are complex, and difficult. I want to explain how this estrangement came about.

We rarely spoke unless she needed something, but that wasn’t enough of a reason. I had honestly forgiven her for our childhood. As adults, we all did what we could to care for her, and when she lost her son, I know that it broke her. We all pitched in to care for her. She didn’t reciprocate. It was all one way. It always was.

Still, this didn’t stop us; we kept trying. I have never been good at caring for myself but having a kid has fixed something inside me. When I thought that she didn’t care about my daughter, I left. In some ways, I think I was wrong. In her own way, she cared about her, but I couldn’t risk my child being hurt by her, so I kept my distance.

I realise that what I am doing may be selfish. But I also want people to know that I don’t hate my mother. I want nobody here to assume that just because we didn’t speak, she was a bad person. I do not think she was.

She kept her kids fed and clothed. She gave me her sense of humour, her eclectic taste in music and culture. She thought that everyone should be treated equally, even if she struggled, like we all do, not to put some ahead of others. I forgave my mom for any wrong she ever did me and my siblings, and I understand that her past also made her unable to be the person she might have wanted to be. Even as I kept my distance, I didn’t hate her. Fear gripped me for my daughter’s sake, and my own. In many ways, we both failed each other.

Despite the distance I kept, I bear her no ill will. More than that, I love her. I hope that she is at peace now, and I am glad for anyone who was able to be her friend, past or present. To anyone who loved her and needs support, I offer the support I couldn't give her in life. With the resources available, she did the best she could - that's all anyone can ask.

Your son.