I’m Sorry

Dear Karen,

It's been more than ten years since you left. There are days when, unexpectedly, I am reminded of your smile and the friend you were to me.

I'm sorry.

I know I told you this - and many other things - as I stood at your grave, but I feel the need to echo the words and sentiment again. I'm sorry. As strange as it may be, I feel what you may not have understood while on this earth now makes perfect sense beyond the veil of death.

Our friendship became too much in ways I didn't understand at the time. What I didn't know then, I think I do now. The needs you exhibited were so vast they eventually overpowered my world, much like a flood, and I felt like I was drowning. Those feelings weighed me down each time we interacted until I began to dread our encounters. It's even stranger because now I understand we were both empaths and our natures had a direct bearing on our relationship, causing a collision of sorts like cars on a dark highway. While you were open, gregarious, and an extrovert, I was inclined to the opposite: closed, shy, and an introvert. You enjoyed going and doing and seeing, and I enjoyed staying home more often than not, enjoying the comfort of solitude.

It seems strange things evolved in such a way to divide our friendship. I know, however, we drifted apart because of the way these things affected me and my lack of ability to understand or handle the onslaught of emotions. The truth is your heart was never in the wrong place for it always encompassed the best of intentions. I know you never intended to make me feel burdened by anything, especially by you, but I did. I understand things more clearly now but my enlightenment has come too late. I wish I had the chance to do it all again, because with hindsight, I'd handle it all differently. I am sorry though because now it's beyond help....too late. I'll never be able to see and hug you again or even send this letter to you.

So, instead I'll remember the warmth of your contagious laughter, the good times we shared, and the generous nature of your enormous heart while asking once again for forgiveness of my ignorance, lack of emotional aptitude, and understanding. I know you deserved a better friend, and I am sorry. I fell far short of the mark.

I know it would please you to know you are remembered. Dare I hope you hear my plea for forgiveness for it is with regret I now realize too well my failure and lack of understanding while you were here. Even still, the fondness of your memory lingers in my heart, and I am reminded yet again, your beautiful soul was taken from this earth far too soon.

I am sorry.

Cynthia Calder, 01.17.25