The Fall

I think I know when things are falling apart.

When the grounds falls under me and I fall.

Fall like the way that the black is coming,

but I don't know where the ground is underneath it.

I know there's going to be pain when I break my fall on it,

but I only wish I knew when time was going to stop feeling like it's crashing around me.

She's there. Somewhere above me.

I let go of her hand,

to spite her and in spite of myself.

My stupid, angry, idiotic self.

And I can see the pain and fear in her eyes.

She's screaming at me,

and it's like her voice is in my ears.

Shaking my head as if telling me to wake. The. Fuck. Up!

Rattling it until everything else around me is drowned out.

She hates me.

I don't think anything else in life has ever made my blood run cold,

but those words right there were the crushing moment when I collided with my 'ground.'

When I bottomed out before the heartache blossomed up out me,

and I think I might have screamed at myself somewhere in between to stop.

"Stop!"

"STOP!"

"STOP!"

But I fucking didn't. Why couldn't I fucking stop?

Why couldn't I shove my goddamn foot in my mouth before she ran out the door, and I suddenly started to wonder if she was coming back.

My kid asked me if she was going away for good.

"Not this time" is what I wanted to tell them. To tell myself, but inside, I was shaking. Terrified that she might not.

Holy- fuck. WHAT have I done?

My foot taps against the floor.

My head starts to split with an ache that I can't drown out anymore.

My eyes start to water until they itch and ache, and I'm sure they're pink but not from some fucking whiff of a special something that I used to take.

Ah shit. I've fucked up.

Oh god, I've really really fucked up.

---

I called her name.

No answer.

I put the kid to bed, and I walked around the house quietly.

Stupidly, I know. I know she left, but I'm still looking for her.

God, what have I done?

"I deserve this."

At least, that's what I keep telling myself as I push my palms into my eyes, trying to blot out the headache.

"I deserve this."

"I deserve this."

"I deser-"

"Please don't leave me." And my voice chokes out a sob into the space beyond me, where my words can't leave my aching head.

I love her. I love her so much, and I tore her heart apart with my hands and watched myself do it.

What kind of monster am I to chase my own love from my arms? From our house?

I'm a monster. An awful, terrible monster. And I can't forgive myself. I don't know if she'll forgive me, but in me aches the need to be. I'll beg for her to forgive me. I want to everything to bring her back, but she needs space.

Oh, what have I done to myself? To her?

I only wish it hadn't been sixteen years ago.

I never saw her come back.

At least, not to the same person. Not to the person who chased her out.

I hugged her close to me after she walked in the door.

When she let me.

I hugged her the very next night, so tight, I could have sobbed my eyes out for days.

I scared the shit out of myself, and maybe that's what I needed.

Maybe that's where I needed to land. On the fucking ground,

out of my stupid little 'head' nest of sovereignty.

Because what stupid idiot leads a country alone?

A dick-tator that's who.

And he is not who I am right now.

And so I hug her tighter.

Because she lets me.

I kiss her lighter,

because she's tender and weak.

I made her that way.

I can give her the power back I stripped away.

And for sixteen years on after that.

I give it back.

I give her back her strength.

I remind her how much she's done.

How she's so strong.

And I'll never take that away again.

I fear that if I ever were that monster again,

I might kick my ass, because no man alive will ever break her heart again.

Not me. Not any asshole. No stranger. Not even her father should he ever say anything against her.

I love her. Love her tenderly.

If I didn't love her, I'd be the death of me.

Of everything we are together, and everything I ever could be.

Because she'd have me fall.

Fall so far that I could realize what it felt like to hit the Earth.

To know the ground beneath me isn't going to break beneath me.

It'll catch me, in it's cold, hard, unloving embrace.

And I'll break apart on it, without being able to see her face.