I Need a Minute
I wake up behind my eyes, first. The coffee doesn’t stir them open this morning. Vivid dreams flash back against my lids, it is so loud in here. The weight of another day yanks shut my lashes while I cross the threshold into the world.
I grab my phone to shock the system and habitually open Instagram to find mindless shorts that kickstart the engine or a migraine. Today’s top post is from my friend, Lanie. My acquaintance? A girl I used to work with, who tried quite hard to be my friend. I’m just about 30 and she’s just begun her 20’s. Sweet girl, too smart and very vulnerable. Reminds me of myself. You can’t be friends with your younger self.
Her post is for New Year's, ‘A Year of Friendship’. How beautiful, how jealous, how FOMO. My rational adult mind has come to terms with the fact that after two years of attending her band's shows, open mics, birthday parties, and movie nights – I’m always left feeling the same. I start the night deciding to just be me. I feel pretty, I tell myself I’m funny and I go. I usually have a good time, just on the other side of having real fun. I wake up anxious, and tired and no more connected to her than the last time we met. She’s a great girl, with so much love to give. Too much ‘love’ to give.
Do you see how that sounds like I’m breaking up with her? I feel like she knows everyone without knowing anyone and I can’t keep up with that and that should be okay. That is okay. But you don’t get to just break up with friends like you do when you’re dating. I’m starting to wake up now and I’m reminding myself how raw my emotions are first thing. That’s why I’m writing this now. I remind myself that I’m not a bad person. It’s okay that I haven’t found my community yet, I shouldn’t feel obligated to be a part of hers just because I’m invited.
Just before Christmas, she invited me to her fanciest get-together yet. A quiet night at a lounge downtown to celebrate her birthday. I baked a cookie that looked like her, and more with her band name on them to present to the group. They were all eaten, that’s a side note but important to me. She squealed with excitement when I showed up, that should make me feel great… but it felt ingenuine. All of it felt for show. She does the same dance for every new face, the same questions without really wanting the answer. I melded into the crowd and found a few familiar faces to make small talk with. Biding my time until a new face distracts the crowd and I can make my way home. And I do, but not before noticing an all too familiar glaze over everyone’s eyes. Do we all feel this way?
She reached out a few days later to let me know I left my cookie tray and to tell me she’d never met someone like me before. That last statement sticks out to me. Completely unprompted. I see that we’re now having a conversation under this one. I’ve also not met a soul like hers, but I adore her intent. I decided to be completely honest, I’m not in a place to be her friend right now. I appreciate her and wish her the best in life but I don’t have it in me to come up with excuses and she deserves better. I need a minute.
I shake my head, mute her posts... Don’t fall off course now. Wake up. Remember my commitment to myself. She didn’t respond after the last message and I take that as a good thing. Maybe she understands. I promised myself I’d write 500-word stream-of-consciousness posts every morning, so I opened my writing apps instead. Four notifications! Comments from others who relate to this displacement I’m experiencing as I learn to heal. Hope that I may find a genuine place of comfort and art. Where I can use my trauma, and endless thoughts to create and filter. Less judgment, more humility. I need a minute. I’m so happy to be here.