passive

these new meds

make me feel worse.

i don't want to get up

or move and

i feel so numb and

dulled and even

visiting with friends and

talking with family and

playing games and

doing things i'd normally

find fun, i'd normally see as

reprieve from the

numbing ache of

depression--all of it

is clouded and dulled and

subdued and it's no longer

reprieve. it's the sluggish forward

stroke of an arm through water

in an indifferent but desperate attempt

not to drown.

to not get

pulled beneath the

waves while struggling to

even move my lungs to breathe

and struggling to do even

the small things keeping me

alive--it's hard. i have to keep

moving, but it's so hard

to gather up the

push. these meds don't help,

i don't think. but neither does the pain,

which only

increases with the more

i do. but i can't stop moving

lest i

drown.

i can't stop moving or

i'll drown. i have

to keep moving

or i'll

drown.

(i gotta keep going, you hear?)