"hey," I hear the voice whisper,

one time I laid down

as the static in my brain grew louder

and louder

and instead of fighting the nausea

instead of fighting my brain

to pop the pills keeping me alive, or

take the chemicals into my veins

instead of measuring the dosages

and mixing liquid hydrogen bonds

flavored with grief

of a life that keeps on *changing*,

"want to be a child? never.

grow up to escape? not realistic.

athlete, soldier? stolen dream.

teacher, writer? next to scene -

scientist, researcher, even?

don't think you can pretend you didn't hope for happiness. but darling, let's be real -

dreams like these weren't made for you."

and so when the whispers stopped I realized I was crying

and yet I hadn't moved

just me, still, plugged into the earth

remove my tired veins.

please. please. I beg you. please, just let me be.

my throat and voice are raw

from choking down my screams

and i'd like to say i want to fight

it might have been true once

but i no longer have it in me

to lie

so please

let me die.

because i don't want to

fall through the cracks

of this system

the same one that put me

to live with my abuser

so that i cannot even rest

in peace

at night

all I know is fear,

and you can tell me

that I sleep

but the things that I see

at night say otherwise

and this vessel isn't one I want any more,

see I prayed my whole life to know why I was born into the place

that I was

my existence a punishment

and me and God

have beef, cause

i'm pretty sure he made

certain to create me

only as a means

of torture, because

how else could I have come out of my childhood alive

except for as I am?

broken in mind

incapable of trusting

with a body shutting down

betraying me since 14

i cannot do three more decades of this hell

(and I'm certain that it is.)

let me wake up, or sleep

I don't care which

I cant breathe

I cant breathe

let me be

I just want peace

I just want to be at peace

and I think I've earned that much

i'm ready. please, let me leave.