Did I want or was I afraid?

The past 30 years of my life I have been chasing the next best thing. The next goal, and on and on and on. Nothing I ever reached was enough. For myself, and maybe also for my parents. I was afraid I'd run out of time for all the things I want to try, know, learn, feel. But recently I stopped. It actually took a while; let's say the breaking distance felt 10km long. But now I am still. I notice, that I haven't been able to feel much of what I lived through, because I did it so fast. And always with the thought in my mind that I am not fast enough yet. I am missing out on my future, I am missing out on my presence, I want to live free right now and for 10 years to come - I want to have children of my own, preferably yesterday. I took FOMO and brought it to the next level. And even right now I think: "That is an achievement as well!". But, just like many on my Instagram feed, I don't want to achieve anymore. I want to enjoy. And apparently, those two are mutially exclusive, as long as my addiction stands. So, achievement detox it is.

And do you know what I noticed? It doesn't look like sunset just yet. I am standing in the yellow and orange of my dawn, cold and warm at the same time. I am not chasing the light, it's coming toward me, on its own. And it's silent. and it's glorious. all I need to do is stand there.