DŌPA-Mean-Machine®

Tired of the same ol' addictions? Heroin, cocaine, gambling, religion, Taylor Swift?

Now new technology now allows you to skip the middleman, and I'm not just talking about your supplier — I'm talking about the stuff itself. Why waste your time with the peaks and valleys of supply and demand. Narcotic half-lives? Or the vicissitudes of your dealer's pricing?

Go natural! Go organic!

Our new dopamine pump, the DŌPA-Mean-Machine®, inserts deeply under your fingernail and feeds your neuroreceptors a continuous stream of 4-(2-aminoethyl) pyrocatechol hydrochloride (C8H11NO2 • HCl).

You can control how much you get by our app on your smartphone. Lost your lover? Turn it up. Got a raise, still, turn it up, right?

Go to your happy place, all the time, continuously, catatonically. Get the thrills of heroin, sex, entertaiment, power, and rapture all at once.

(Convenient subungual applicator sold separately, bamboo included!)

(Coming soon, Ketamine-Machine. And the surprise-me!-pump — the new, improved, Unforseen-Machine, for those who want to be adventurous.)

Want a twist? Add the new hydrogen-a-rator, to add or replace a hydrogen group sidechain. Make your own and feel like no one's EVER felt before.

[NOT FOR PRE-SCHOOL TEENAGERS or LIBRAs]