THE MEANING OF TORMENT (Isaac)
And before you could even speak, your conveyal was blue. From the shade of your unsullied skin to your first watery emission, you construed pure BLUE. Cobalt and cold as winter's dead, you matched, initially, the metallic surface upon which you were hastily lain; removed from your OWN birth, inanimate. How violently were you torn from me that even the complete necessity, the URGENCY, of disconnecting your system from mine canNOT compensate for the torment that followed. That FOLLOWS… Because to this day, your femoral artery is occupied not only by hot, red life, but by a 20 gauge IV. The laparoscopic incision still assaults the space just above your navel and, although it heals you, it serves as a permanent recall to the time you endured true TORMENT. YOU- my dearest and only son -brought with you wonderings I was not even aware I would ever conceive: How could this be allowed to occur? Why? Why our baby? Why would these atrocities ever be ALLOWED to happen to ANY baby? Why on His green, green earth would HE do this to my baby…? Just TELL me: What did I do exactly to make my son deserve THIS…? Because NO ONE deserves this. "For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children…" (Deuteronomy 5:9-10) Naturally, murderously angry, hurt, and searching for someone- ANYONE -to blame, I honed in on that particular part of that particular scripture. Where I succeeded is in the fact that I ran to Him, He who is the only One who can do ANYthing in this situation. But where I failed, where I crashed and BURNED, lies in the action of taking His word out of context and distrusting it. My son is not sick as a consequence of mine. My involvement in, cause of, and control over his health and survival are categorically NON-EXISTENT. I DID NOT CAUSE THIS AND I HAVE ZERO DIRECT BEARING. That being said, I must clarify: GOD DID NOT LET ME GIVE BIRTH TO A CRITICALLY SICK BABY TO PUNISH HIM OR MYSELF. His Word promises that the iniquity of the father who hates God falls upon the subsequent generations. I love Jesus Christ with ALL that I am in Him. No one DID this to our son. Though it feels like one, strikingly, THIS IS NOT A PUNISHMENT. No… This is a chance. This is a chance to witness God at work, in all His Glory. I see God shine through each and every time our son smiles up at us. I feel His peace each and every time we hold our son and his pain fades. And I feel God's healing touch flow through my son's tiny hand each and every time he wraps his little fingers around mine, squeezing.. reassuring. I pray to and glorify Jesus Christ unceasingly because as I never even asked for it… Proof of God's absolute existence, pure goodness, and FORGIVENESS is in every unencumbered breath our son draws, in every warm touch He imparts.