i’m tired of being left behind (i think i want to leave you behind instead this time) (i love you) (i wish i didn’t)
i texted you last night.
the friends i asked about it
said i shouldn’t.
i told them i wouldn’t, and then
i tried to sleep, but i couldn’t stop
thinking about how close we were.
i couldn’t stop thinking about
the things we shared and the
things we said and the things we did
and then i got all nostalgic, and nostalgia,
that horrid beast, it clouded my hurt and pain.
it colored you pink, and white, and blue (the color of my love for you).
and then i opened my phone and
opened our conversation and i looked, one last
time, at how long it had been
since you last responded
to one of my texts (over a month).
i typed out a text and pressed send anyways.
i felt the regret swell deep within me
the second time i checked
to see if you had said anything back (you hadn’t). (you still)
(haven’t) (i doubt you)
i’m tired of being left behind i’m
tired of being left behind i’m tired
of being left behind i wish i wasn’t
left behind every time.
i love you (i wonder if you love me back still)
i wish i didn’t (i wonder if you don’t love me anymore)
i wish i could stop (i wonder if you ever did, and when).
i doubt that you’ll text me back
but i can’t help but wonder
what it would be like if we
started over, if you texted me back more often.
i can’t help but think of
the things i would
change about myself, the things
i would say, and then, well—you
might be angry at that, actually, i think.
you were never fond of the way i
destroyed or hid the parts of myself that
other people didn’t like
or that might have been offensive.
and once upon a time, you did
love me. and you loved the girl i was,
and not the
girl who destroyed herself to
please others. and you may not
love me anymore, but you loved me
then. (this makes me want)
(to text you back)
(even more than before)
i can’t help but
love you, it seems, even as
you don’t text me back
and leave me hanging for days, weeks at a time.
one of my friends said that
it was impossible for you
to be busy for almost two years—
so busy, in fact, that you couldn’t
respond to a simple “how are you?” for
several days. she also said this about all
of the other relationships i’ve
had that have ‘ended’ (stopped)
(stagnated) like this. she says that
i have to raise my standards.
but man if i didn’t, if
love you still.
how do i ever
get over that? how do i
ever stop? will i ever
stop? can i ever
stop? is there an end
in sight? is there an end
(it almost makes me sick)
(that i want to text you, to ask you)
i had a dream this morning,
where someone loved me so
much. they loved me in a way that
made me ache, they loved me in a way that
brought me to tears when i woke.
i know it’s
i wanted that from
i’d probably just be happy if
you talked to me more
does it mean anything that
all these other relationships that have
(stagnated) like this haven’t
left me feeling so lost and wanting for
it all back with that person
like this one is?
i think my
brain is just grasping for straws, now.
but it makes me want to text you a little
more than before. does this make me
someone who enjoys inflicting
pain and sorrow on themselves?
does this craving for the chance to talk to you
make me a masochist? why won’t
this feeling go away? i want it to go away i
want it to go away
i wish you hadn’t left me behind i wish i
had some control in this i wish that maybe i
had been the one to leave you behind i wish
i wish i wish i didn’t love you so much i wish
i didn’t want to text you back all the time i wish
i didn’t feel sick to my stomach at the thought that
maybe it’s just because my birthday’s near and it always
made me feel so sad each time you forgot the date i wish
i didn’t feel this way about you i wish
i could let this go i wish
i could let you go i wish
i didn’t love you anymore i wish
i knew if you still loved me i wish
i didn’t care i wish
it didn’t hurt so badly to say that i don’t want to love you anymore i wish
that i had left you behind, so maybe this could be a little
easier to bear (than wondering what i did)
(than wondering what i said)
(than wondering if it was really you and)