Letter To A Monster
The day has finally arrived, the one I’ve been waiting to happen for so long. You finally made your way to Hell and I know the Devil himself was at the door to greet you. I thought I would be happy and my heart would be full of joy but in reality what I felt was nothing like that. When it finally hit me that you were gone from this world happiness was not the emotion but rather relief. I spent years allowing the things you did to me to ruin my life. Even after you left you were still here sitting in the back of my mind and whispering in my ear that I was nothing.
Even though the incidents took place when I was a child the memories were ever so present throughout my life. A certain smell in the air or a song suddenly coming on the radio would bring those horrible memories back. It affected me more then I ever realized because I developed memory problems. Those basic things that I had a hard time remembering. Small things that now I know would cause a remembrance to a horrible moment in time and my brain would shield it from me for protection. I once allowed you to control my thoughts and that developed into a physical issue that was much worse then the memories themselves. But once that phone call came, the way I looked at life suddenly changed.
I was always afraid to put myself out there. To live my life in the way that would make me happy. I went along to get along out of fear of repercussions that I made up in my own mind. Irrational fears that haunted me throughout my adult life. I only now realized that I had done this to myself, after you were gone. The fear you coming back caused me to never live my life. But once you were gone I had to learn that you weren’t the one controlling me but an irrational echo of a moment from my past. The day you died was the day I began to live and I hope you are looking up from your place in Hell to see how happy I am. How when I decided to go out and live a life I deserve I no longer was your victim.