Silent Sometimes

There are some days

Loud days

Bright days

Picky days

Breathe-through-your-mouth days

Overbearing, unbearable

Just hide away days;

And some other days

Not-enough days

Need-more-weight days

Falling-away days

Do-I-still-exist? days

Unfeeling, Unbearable

Don't-leave-me-to-float days;

Like jumper cables to the brain

A low, constant pulse

Fizzing away at my processors

Short-circuiting my functions

Those days -

They throw me off;

They are my quiet days.

During can't communicate days

I'll smile and glance

Busy myself at work

As if there is no time

As though I'd not speak if I could;

Go home, feed yourself, try to eat.

Try not to fall asleep

Before your chores are done

Try not to rock

Try not to sob

Try to breathe reasonably;

Focus. Don't get upset,

Not yet.

Be normal for your flatmate.

Smile. Nod.

Pray to God.

You'll make it to sunset.

You will,

You have to.

Does everybody try this hard?

My flatmate seems fine

She says I look fine

They say I'm doing fine

I guess my acting's fine;

Then it happens

A quiet day

Where I have to speak

Where the aircon squeaks

And it's been so long

Since I've had any sleep

A coworker realized

I saw it in his eyes

Something's not right,

She's not herself;

Or I show happiness

And they stare

Because happy is not

A whole-body thing

It's in the voice

And the smile

But I forgot

For just a while

And I hear them say

That's not normal

As if they can tell

How do they tell?

I hear them,

Not in public,

Stop that!

Why can't you just

Learn how to act?

And I remember

"What a freak!

Don't touch me!

I don't want to catch your crazy!

You're too much for me."

"You need to try harder.

Study harder.

Make some friends.

You're making us look bad

Alone like that.

Lower your standards, hon."

To disrespectful?

To backstabbers?

Well then,

So Be It.

It's one bad day

Every now and then.

It's a sometimes

She gets this way,

Sometimes

She's just tired,

Sometimes

She slips up,

Sometimes

She forgets,

It's a

Some days -

Sometimes -

It's a sometimes

Kind of thing.

Most days,

Most of the time,

Mostly,

You'll miss the lovely

You won't see the beautiful

You'll walk past the witty

You won't experience the exciting

You'll forego the thoughtful

You won't see the kindness

You'll have lost the empathy,

Just because

sometimes I'm also...

Seemed

Not worth

The trouble

Of me.