Door to door
For more and more New Mexicans, the purpose of a home seems to be to keep certain people out. Mi casa es su casa or Bienvenidos signs on peoples' doors are being replaced with Protected by the 2nd amendment or If you can read this, you are in range.
We have security cameras and alarm systems installed and we can check our front door surveillance from our cell phones. Anyone still making a living as a door-to-door solicitor has to be the bravest person alive.
The next time someone comes to your door, consider how brave that person must be. Also, consider the fact that anyone actually ringing your doorbell is obviously not trying to break into your house. So be respectful and polite and if it is a Girl Scout, buy some cookies. It is absolutely un-American to not buy Girl Scout cookies. Then lie on the couch and eat half a box of thin mints. Once you break open the plastic, they go stale really fast so don't take any chances. Eat them all, feeling safe and secure in a home that is protected by a fool proof security system.
Then sit and stare at the ceiling for a while and consider the plight of the Jehovah's Witness.
They always come in pairs and dressed professionally, like lawyers. All things considered, though, who would you rather have come to your door, two Jehovah's Witnesses, or two lawyers? Like lawyers, they usually lead off with a question, like "Will there ever be peace in the world?
One has to admit. They ask good questions. And they are brave. I agree with almost nothing they say, but we can at least agree on the weather and how we need rain and Selena's best song was "Dreaming of You."
And once there was one named Candy, who had the most beautiful brown eyes. She smiled seductively (I think) and asked:
Can anyone really know who wrote the Bible? My answer: no
Why does God allow the strong to oppress the weak? My answer: good question
What is the name of the scarlet colored beast of Revelation?" My answer: Gossamer?
Then Candy smiled again and read some Bible verses off of an iPad. She informed me that the correct answers were yes, original sin and the United Nations. I said I totally agreed and would she like to go out for dinner some time so we could talk more in depth about the scarlet colored beast but her partner, a tall grey haired man, said they had to be going now, grabbed Candy's arm and guided her down the sidewalk.
A classic scene of 1960's Americana is a Kirby Vacuum salesman, wearing a suit and tie and pushing one of those monstrous machines while a housewife dressed in high heels, a dress and an apron sits on the edge of the couch watching with interest. Among 1960's status symbols, owning a Kirby Vacuum ranked up there with a color TV, a station wagon and the thing I wanted more than anything, all 26 volumes of Encyclopedia Britannica.
As a child, I remember being totally captivated by the encyclopedia salesman who piled 26 volumes containing all the knowledge of the world on our living room floor. And all it would cost to have all the world's knowledge would be just the change Dad brought home in his pockets every day. I couldn't believe my mother sent them away. Never mind the fact that we lived directly across the street from the public library.
Today we literally do have all the knowledge of the world at our fingertips. So, just to prove how valuable the World Wide Web is, I decided to document everything I learned on the internet in an eight hour period. Here it is:
I scored 100% on the Nearly Impossible Knowledge Test, which means my IQ is around 160. But I still paid $20 in shipping and handling to get a "free gift" fitness watch. And I can't even figure out how to turn on.
My male celebrity soulmate is Jeremy Irons and my female soulmate is Alicia Silverstone.
If I were an Inside Out character, I would be Sadness.
If you dream about being afraid of heights, it could be because you are afraid of heights.
You can use Coca Cola to clean the toilet.
No other adult males have any friends either.
The pyramids were not actually built by aliens (darn it).
In 14 hours and 50 minutes, you can go from Virgin in Utah to Hooker in Oklahoma and visit Love's Travel Stop.
The worst excuse ever given for being late for work (until now, that is) was "I got stuck in the blood pressure machine at the grocery store and couldn't get out."
Until 1997, New Mexico was the only state to have a state cookie. That was the year Massachusetts selected the chocolate chip cookie.
Shortbread, biscotti and macaroon are all acceptable words on Scrabble but biscocho (or bizcocho) is not. Another slap in the face to New Mexico.
There are at least 14 kinds of tacos:
1. al pastor
11. frijoles/ vegetable
12. carne adovada
14. Taco Bell.
Actually, Taco Bell doesn't really sell tacos. Whatever it is that they sell, though, if you like, eat it. I am not going to judge.
I'm late for work, but oh well, if I get fired there's this job I found on the internet where I can work from home explaining the benefits of products to customers. No sales required!