The Downside of Dogs
I know exactly what you mean when you say you don’t like dogs. My dog General Sherman doesn’t like dogs either. He especially doesn’t like all the butt sniffing, although he will get carried away on occasion, particularly with that cute little doodle dog down the road, but he’s always ashamed of himself after, you know, when he drops down to the olfactory level. But then we all have moments we are not proud of, don’t we?
But then, The General is not your typical dog. In fact, he is a-typical in that he not only considers himself above other dogs, but above humans as well. No small part of his uppitiness stems from his law degree, which he shamelessly acquired just to prove a point to me, and he managed to gain admittance without even bothering to learn to read. You see, he convinced the registrar at Tulane that she was being discriminatory by not letting him in. To prove it, he asked her to look up the percentage of enrollee’s identifying as trans-canine (he is snipped, you understand), and the bleeding heart blue hair not only admitted him after finding that the actual number was zero, but she offered him a belly rub as well! (He is his father’s dog.)
But he had to finish his studies online, as I would not let him take the truck down. That and he suffers anxiety when separated from Pooky-Bear. The online courses proved easy enough for him, as he is a very smart dog. Most of the exams were multiple choice, and General Sherman quickly picked up that the longest answer on multiple choice questions is always the right one. It’s college y’all, not rocket science. Everything else he needed to know about the Bar he learned by watching Orson Welles in the 1959 classic, “Compulsion,” (which is also where The General gained his penchants for mustaches, cigars and smoking jackets).
But anyways, like most graduates today The General now owns his doctorate, the prerequisite $600k in debt that comes with it, and his unemployment benefits, which should take care of his loans by the time he is 70 (in people years. For those slower at math, that is 490-ish in dog years), so of course Sherman is praying for a Sleepy Joe second term college debt bailout, which places him on the wrong side of my conservative political leanings, but those damned colleges are indoctrinating them all these days.
Sheesh, if it wasn’t for all of that stupid college debt he figures he could have had his own bass boat by now… and a Target swimsuit for his Olympic qualifier! (If you missed that post, General Sherman has decided to swim as a female, as it not only improves his chances of a gold medal, but the women’s suits fit his tail better.)
But anyways, I digress. The fact of the matter is, since transitioning the General no longer has much use for other dogs, and would just as soon they stayed the hell out of his yard and off of his television, as every time they appear it drives him up the freakin’ wall.
And truthfully, it does me too. Stupid dogs.