Fake

Be real. How many times have I been fake?

I'm always fake, I tell everyone, does that somehow make me less fake?

I say one story to one person and a different thing to another. And then I go back to the person I spoke about and say it's not true.

I'm a mess. And I want a clean start. But now he's gone, and I know I messed up. It was my idea, for him to be gone.

I told my friends he pressured me when if I didn't say anything, was that really pressure? I could've stopped it. But I believed the lies I conceived.

I told one person I did truly love him, and my closest friends I didn't. Am I just scared of their judgment?

How many times has he told me not to care what other people think?

At times, I know he was good for me.

But in my head, I'm a mess, knowing and believing that he is bad.

He waved at me. Yesterday, when I fully thought he was done with me, after all, it was me that blocked him and didn't respond. I turned around. And looking at the other people in the room Why do you always care what other people think?

I turn back, and see his playful shock what? not gonna wave back?

I smile and wave back.

Today, I didn't see him. I tell my friends, yesterday was traumatizing. But was it?

Truth be told, I was ashamed of being with him. I do care what other people think. But while at the same time, I do truly know that he wasn't all that good, neither am I.

But have my deceits made me believe I'm not in love with him anymore?

Because now I look at him and don't feel a thing.

I'm fake.