discrepancy

gender and sex

are different

and learning that

should have been

relieving.

now i had the words

to distinguish

myself.

but it was no relief.

embracing my gender

is something i can do,

but embracing my sex

is not.

and i know i'll have to live

with the discrepancy between my legs

but that shouldn't mean

i have to live with it in my head.

surely

there is something i can do.

something to ascend beyond sex

and into that mythical gender

that i've heard so much about.

but gender isn't something people worship.

they place their faith in sex instead,

and maybe they're right.

gender can't deepen my voice

or broaden my shoulders.

gender can't change my name.

those are things i had to do

myself,

learning to puff my chest

at the world

instead of tucking it between

my arms

in shame.

gender isn't

the cure all i wanted it to be.

gender is desperation

and agony,

depression

and anxiety.

gender is a war

against the world you grew up in

and there will never be peace

because the world is ruled

by X and Y,

1 and 0,

and i am

the third variable

that they didn't account for

and can't figure out

how to calculate.

sex is a prison

and gender is the key

but deciding to unlock the door

is another matter

entirely.

and some days

i wish

i had never touched the key

and stayed in my prison

until it killed me.

because that's what gender is.

it's freedom,

but it comes with

a price.