Sunshoals

I think I should finally stop

Stop expecting myself to be normal

After everything that's happened,

Some days I wake up drowning

Shipwrecked since birth, I can't walk on land and am terrified of boats.

Constant overwhelm, no helm, just a busted mast. I made my clothes from the sails years ago.

I can't go back to Port.

It's all too broken

It's all so loud

The waves are too much for one person

To keep fighting

My good days are a place far out to sea

Only surfacing when the tides are right

Brief flashes of shoal and sun

Getting there takes time and effort and the right boat

On those bright days it's easy to see for miles

I'm rooted ankle deep in the warm sand

Flying a kite

Fulfilled by the sun

Not reflecting

When the ocean comes back, she always does,

Chilly salty darkness seeping

Through the cracks in my face

Then the deluge

No sails to manage

No boat to board

Just me, fighting my mind over this ravaged piece of wood, buried in sand

Changed from my respite to a

Dangerous edge in moments

Storms are quick,

Even when I can see them coming

There's never enough shelter

Eventually, I have to swim again.

There is no treading water in life.

We are drowning until we're not.

We kick, we fight, maybe

we get a little above the water, just enough to take a breath.

No more ships are coming. No lifeboats, no rescue stories.

I don't expect these things. They're not for me.

We are drowning until we're not.

Until our toes hit the warm sand.

And we drag ourselves out

Back into the sun.