PostsChallengesPortalsAuthorsBooks
Sign Up
Log In
Posts
Challenges
Portals
Authors
Books
beta
Sign Up
Search
xisle in Stream of Consciousness

Blame

I want to blame my job. I want to blame her, this place, all of it. But I won’t. I know it’s inaccurate, I know it’s not true. I’m just looking to place blame, to not take accountability, to find something that I can pinpoint and say “This is what pushed me over the edge. This is the reason.” Rather than blame myself.

I know it’s me.

I know I’m the problem.

I know that no one can fix be but myself, and that it’s no one’s fault but my own that I’m like this and still fucking struggling.

I should have asked for help a very long time ago.

Or I should have just finished the job right the first time.

Maybe it will get better.

Maybe it won’t.

Maybe -

Maybemaybemaybemaybe

I don’t want those that are blameless to feel guilty. Like they missed something. Like it’s their fault. I never asked for help. I hid it so well. What are you supposed to do if I never told you something was wrong, if I never asked you for help?

Is this a suicide note? Is it a vent? I don’t know right now. Could be either, I guess.

Don’t want her to fucking find me and blaming herself, nope that’d be my fault. For not... not asking for help well enough? I guess? How do I write out the sigh that just left my mouth? SIGH. sigh. Small.

I just want out.

I feel so. so. so.

Isolated? Alone? Lonely? Tired? Exhausted. Done. Scared. Terrified? Hopeless?

Why can’t I be the desperately and unconditionally loved hero of the story, who struggles and hides and fights, but is found anyway, is offered that support, is - is CODDLED?

I saw a TikTok yesterday. The person said “If the multiverse theory is real, then there’s a universe out there where I have reached my dream, am happy, still have them by my side. That comforts me.”

And that got me thinking, so here’s mine: If the multiverse theory is real, then there’s a universe out there - where I am loved dearly. Where I found my person, and they adore me, just as much as I adore them. That’s sort of comforting. I think. But also…

Why couldn’t that be this universe? Why couldn’t I have the universe where I found them? Where it all worked out? It’s. It’s not fair. I want that. Is that selfish? Am I not grateful enough? Do I have to be grateful at all? Is it self to desire a love I’ve never felt, only read about and longed for?

What a piece of shit I must be.

Welcome
Welcome to Prose.! Publish your work, follow writers, and engage in community challenges.
By entering Prose., you acknowledge that you are 21 years of age or older, and you agree to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy.
If you used Twitter or Facebook to get into your account and now can't get in, please contact us at support@theprose.com