Blame

I want to blame my job. I want to blame her, this place, all of it. But I won’t. I know it’s inaccurate, I know it’s not true. I’m just looking to place blame, to not take accountability, to find something that I can pinpoint and say “This is what pushed me over the edge. This is the reason.” Rather than blame myself.

I know it’s me.

I know I’m the problem.

I know that no one can fix be but myself, and that it’s no one’s fault but my own that I’m like this and still fucking struggling.

I should have asked for help a very long time ago.

Or I should have just finished the job right the first time.

Maybe it will get better.

Maybe it won’t.

Maybe -

Maybemaybemaybemaybe

I don’t want those that are blameless to feel guilty. Like they missed something. Like it’s their fault. I never asked for help. I hid it so well. What are you supposed to do if I never told you something was wrong, if I never asked you for help?

Is this a suicide note? Is it a vent? I don’t know right now. Could be either, I guess.

Don’t want her to fucking find me and blaming herself, nope that’d be my fault. For not... not asking for help well enough? I guess? How do I write out the sigh that just left my mouth? SIGH. sigh. Small.

I just want out.

I feel so. so. so.

Isolated? Alone? Lonely? Tired? Exhausted. Done. Scared. Terrified? Hopeless?

Why can’t I be the desperately and unconditionally loved hero of the story, who struggles and hides and fights, but is found anyway, is offered that support, is - is CODDLED?

I saw a TikTok yesterday. The person said “If the multiverse theory is real, then there’s a universe out there where I have reached my dream, am happy, still have them by my side. That comforts me.”

And that got me thinking, so here’s mine: If the multiverse theory is real, then there’s a universe out there - where I am loved dearly. Where I found my person, and they adore me, just as much as I adore them. That’s sort of comforting. I think. But also…

Why couldn’t that be this universe? Why couldn’t I have the universe where I found them? Where it all worked out? It’s. It’s not fair. I want that. Is that selfish? Am I not grateful enough? Do I have to be grateful at all? Is it self to desire a love I’ve never felt, only read about and longed for?

What a piece of shit I must be.