Twenty to no life

Twenty years. I was real for all of them. Yeah we had our fights, but we were kids, we worked through it. So why then was this different? I can tell you why. You left fear enter your mind, a voice told you I was going to get angry. And you know what, I would have, because you pointed out something I was doing wrong. But we are human. Everyone gets angry, but we talk through it like friends.

You said I was never there for you. NEVER THERE FOR YOU! I was there when your dog died. I was there when you were in plays in high school. When your appendix was inflamed. When you went to college, I visited you at college! I helped when you had your first anxiety attack. I was there when, your now boyfriend, was looking at tinder in front of you! You were crushed, I was there!

I went away, learned some stuff. Got all high and mighty thinking I was top. Sorry. But how was I supposed to know you were angry when you never said anything! You blamed me for four years of anger and anxiety. And when we talked, I apologized for that. But seriously, I was the cause of that for all those four years? BULL! You wanted to find a way, an outlet for everything and you picked me.

You choose fear over a friend. I needed a friend overseas and every time I reached out, you found another excuse. I had flaws and if you told me, I would have tried to fix it. I felt fear over there, but I didn't blame anyone for why I felt that way regardless I was alone for most weeks.

So I asked, "do you still want to be best friends?"

Your response, "I never labeled my friends, I see them all the same...."

SO I am on the same level as your boyfriend? What!

Then said, "I will text you when I'm ready to hang out again." Then you complained to your mom about how I stopped texting. I WAS GIVING YOU SPACE LIKE YOU ASKED!

You just found another reason. Twenty years meant something to me, clearly sixteen only meant something to you. You did a better job of acting those last four years, fooled me.

Something you never knew and won't know. Remember, this isn't your fault. We create our own emotions, but I also didn't have a friend to talk to. I don't hang out with people after work or on the weekends, all my friend left or fell into the shadows. A week after we talked, I held a gun to my head. It wasn't loaded because I didn't know the ammo it took. Why did I do it? Because between the broken arm, the deployment, readjusting back to society, and losing my best friend, I thought "WHY THE HELL SHOULD I BE ALIVE?!"

I miss you ever day, I miss playing video games with you. Throwing a football, watching movies or playing with my dog. I miss texting you, but I'd rather have a friend who calls me once a year then lies to my face for four. I hope you have a good life. I'm sorry you won't be a part of mine.