Abandoned

I have a fear of abandonment

I know that I wouldn’t be able to handle it if

Someone left me; I can’t be left alone

So I hold on tightly to the friends I have and make new ones sparingly

I thought the feelings would fade, but now that I’m older the weight on my shoulders seems to have grown

I fight to have courage, but I’m a coward and not what I dare to be

No matter how many times you say you’ll be there for me

I’ll still fear that one day something I say will play a role in us parting ways, so desperately

I cling to you to you in hopes that you’ll stay

My fear has no weight, but I stay up late and lay

In bed, thoughts racing through my head, pondering my mistakes and if you’ll be there when I’m lying in a casket

I’m clingy, I’ll never leave your side, though I try to mask it

My thoughts are toxic, they tear me to pieces

They beat me down and keep me fearing your leaving is nearing; it never ceases

I don’t know why I keep sipping this poison they offer

They have me convinced that they are the author of my future

But the Hell they show me is not what I desire

Fear grips me by the throat like thorns to a flower

I feel like I have no power

I feel like everyone I love is waiting to leave me

My wicked, twisted thoughts continue to deceive me

Abandoned and left for granted, I don’t think I can take the pain

I’m delirious for fearing this, so I call on God’s name

Living, loving, losing, there is no choosing life’s next twist

Hiding and confiding in isolation, I can’t find peace of mind

Living, loving, losing, I’ll keep choosing to hide

If I love you, I have something to say to you

But I just can’t bring myself to

A confession of addiction, an affliction that’s been with me for too many years

A talk of salvation, a conversation among the chiefest of my fears

Unexplainable feelings of love and a hope that they’re supported by our God above

An explanation for my hiding and how I just need your love and a hug

A talk of my heart and if it will ever start to heal from the loss of my beloved pet

The inevitable confession to the love of my life I haven’t yet met

A letter of regret about how I wasn’t entirely truthful about being better

But this fear of abandonment stops me from doing this, thinking that you’ll leave me and be bitter

I’m still heart broken and unprepared for loss, so I haven’t dared to come clean and talk

This lack of trust in my friends and family is holding me back in my life’s walk

Abandoned and left for granted, I don’t think I can take the pain

I’m delirious for fearing this, so I call on God’s name

Living, loving, losing, there is no choosing life’s next twist

Hiding and confiding in isolation, I can’t find peace of mind

Living, loving, losing, I’ll keep choosing to hide

I’ve been hiding for too long

Lost in gloom, yet again I’m confiding in a song

I best express my thoughts late at night in rhyme

I confide in these lines but they only help for a brief period of time

I have come to find that the solace they provide is empty and temporary

But the only other option is opening up, and I find it scary

So I’m wary to proceed, but it’s obviously the deed God wants from me

To be freed from this fear I have so needlessly

So when I’m abandoned, which I still can’t bear to let happen, I guess you weren’t a friend in the first place

But I love you; and your friendship cannot be replaced