*Warning: more cursing than usual

Every damned minute

I'm worried

Worried that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing

I'm not writing that fucking stupid 'if you don't know yourself, you're not worthy' essay I need to write

And it's bad

yeah, that's right, bad

('cause who the hell knows 'themself' anyway)

'cause my life depends on that shit

I should be making that hypocritical presentation

The one that wants me to creatively design

How I changed the world in a future

That obviously hasn't fucking happened

Make it funny, make it beautiful, make me worth it

Yet this same thing,

the reason I have to make this stupid PowerPoint because I'm oh so fucking stable and have my whole life planned out

The same thing is supposed to lead me to find my passion

How the hell does that work uhn?

If I knew exactly how that future is going to work,

Exactly what passion I "explored" to change this fucked up world

why the hell do I need you then?

You just want me to dream uhn?

Well, I'm done dreaming!

This is my life, the real deal

Not a damn pilot episode of a fairytale!

Whatever wants to happen, needs to happen now

Not in the future

& definitely not just in that bright happy place

that's my imagination.

BUT

My future depends on that shit

And even worse

My hope of ever getting away from my so called 'family'

depends on that

So I have to do it

But now

Just right now

I don't want to have to think about that

Can I just not have to worry about that?

Can I just cry for something else

feel terrible for some other reason

something that matters

something that decides whether I live or die

Some reason that's not about changing the world

holding it together

But about keeping me from falling apart

??

Your time is running out

Like hell I don't know that

And like hell I don't want to just run out of time already

The time of all times

The real time that can actually fucking run out.