maya’s gone off to wisconsin
i ask maya if she has to leave and she says that i should know by now: no matter where she goes she’ll be gone
and the whole thing flings me like a car careening off the key bridge.
today i miss her different than when she’s gone-home in ohio, i miss her more because of all the extra hours.
i calculated from my house to wisconsin and it’s a whole new distance than before.
i ask maya what does it feel like to miss me and she says that missing isn’t a feeling she can explain. i ask maya if maybe it just feels like lost but i don’t think she gets what i’m trying to say.
maya’s much smarter than i am though so i guess i should trust her, plus
i think i’m becoming a burden so if nothing i’m shushed now,
and i’m scared that my best friend’s sitting in wisconsin but i’m home thinking there might be something wrong in me
but i’ll never admit that because it might make her feel like leaving. i think more than anything
i want maya to see the world.
if it makes any difference, rather, i think i am getting sadder because i haven’t really left bed since that virgin margarita
and on the car ride home i told blake that was the first time i’d eaten all day and i asked if she’d sing at my burial.
she said if the need’s there she’ll try and show but singing at a birthday seems far more preferable.
blake has a beautiful singing voice, i think i’d love to hear it.
i’m holding out for that.
i ask maya when she’s getting back to ohio not that it matters but i happen to know that
her blue room makes me feel good because it’s lighter than mine and
i remember when i met her i googled everything about her because she was my first friend i’d ever made
from a different state and something about that made me feel scared that there is this great beyond,
that everything’s so so much bigger than my one tiny county. to ohio i look like a drop of water in the ocean off the key bridge.
to her family i am just one of her camp friends.
to her classmates back home, i do not exist. sometimes i wish i did, but right now it’s comforting to know that no matter what happens
there’s a group in ohio who simply won’t see everything i get wrong.
i ask maya when’s she’s getting back. i want to come see her. i want to take an amtrak and go far away from my home.
she sends me pictures of wisconsin so i think it might be a long time from now.
i ask maya what it feels like to be invisible and she says i’d probably know better than she would but
if she ever finds out she’ll be sure to clue me in.
i think that maya is not the type of girl to be invisible like i am.
and you can’t tell me i’m not because the car horns don’t count and the beach men don’t count
when they yell about my body and even that is an intense thing about me,
how my shape is, it rolls up and down like a seawave in a sandstorm,
like i’m enveloping a car that careened off the key bridge. (there’s someone screaming inside it if you care to hear them)
i am so loud that it makes it hard to look at but maya is the type of girl that is nice and calm and easy to notice.
maya is going to change the world and i can’t wait to see it.
my best friend is going to do so much and that is something i’m holding out to see, if only to prove for a moment i knew her.
i ask maya if she’s still awake in wisconsin and don’t get anything back.
now comes the quiet.
when your best friend goes to bed it feels like the world’s stopped just for you.
maya is the type of girl who goes to bed real early and then she wakes up real early
so she can wake up her friends who are sad.
maya sets alarms and i think about that a lot, how she’s got enough motivation for both of us.
i think about what her alarms might sound like, if they’re nice ones or if they’re that awful blaring iphone default.
i am trying to go to bed, i am trying, but i feel so bad that i might just wait until morning. in this moment
i can’t think of any one person who would be proud of that.
maya’s gone off to wisconsin and suddenly i feel a little like i’m trying to stay afloat after dropping from the key bridge.
but if i hold out till morning maybe i’ll get to see the sun before anyone in ohio or wisconsin,
maybe if i hold out i’ll hear the bells on the key bridge miles and miles from here.
maybe if i hold out just a little longer i can be the one to wake up maya. i wonder if that’d make her smile.
i wonder if she wouldn’t be worried because i’m so good at hiding.
i wonder if it’d help her see that the world is so big but there’s always me and ohio.
and when maya gets back i think i’ll try and drive out to see her,
i think it’s time i see the world too.
i think i’ll go through the night and make it by the time she’d wake me.
in ages when she gets back (cause maya’s gone to wisconsin),
that’s what i’m holding out for.
i’m holding out for that.