Ever so Slightly
My wrists gushed with red and the window was painted gray as it entered the night. In college, I discovered a new color. A color that changes every so slightly within me as I change. A doctor in a white coat approached me, to layout my devastating future ahead of me. My days seemed dark for a long time. Nothing specific, but definitely unwelcomed colors that never seemed to shed any light on paths I spent months looking for. Time seemed to drag on and the only comfort I find is in the colors of love. Reds and pinks seem to distract me like the fuzzy feelings of Valentine's day in elementary school when the love of your life gives you one extra piece of candy. These reds and pinks lasted like a shitty coating of deck paint that never lasted even one winter.
Clean air felt bleak, with no scent to hold my capture. The sun felt venomous, too much brightness, showing feelings I'm envious towards. I felt no comfort in the outdoors although I hear that's the best for you. My curtains stay drawn, two-layered for ultimate sun-soaking.
My bed is warm. A new quilt covers me, hand-stitched by a woman in New England, in my mom's attempt to make me feel just a little bit better. I reflect back on college, past relationships, and old friends. Happiness that seemed so far from my light, undernourished, anxious grasp. Unworthy and exhausting, the color of dread. Unhappy and time-consuming, the color of tragedy. A walking statistic forgetting the world of color that used to surround me.
Tough love advances me above unimaginable heights. "There's only so much I
can do. You need to start putting in an effort." Harsh to many, I can imagine. But that's how I was brought up. A new series arises before me of effort and fail trial and error, and insatiable hunger for growth and success.
The roads have cleared no paths and the exhausting haul up the same mountain remains tedious. But my strengths glisten throughout blue lakes, and time seems more manageable hidden in a coat of green forests and golden sunlight. Healing is a color of unimaginable concoctions, none at which the mind can comprehend. The color of healing, like a pheromone, is seemingly different from every story. A color that starts faint and grows brighter and more intriguing as time moves on. A color that creates a perception of the possibility of power and strength.